9courtney3's blog

I used to believe in you.

I followed your every move. When you were angry, I was angry. If you laughed, I laughed along with you. I mirrored your motions, a copycat, if you will. Whatever you did, I had to do. Whatever you thought, I would agree.

I used to believe in you.

You were a hero; an idealized piece of humanity, and in my mind, you could do no wrong. If you didn’t go, I didn’t feel like going either. The moment of your arrival was the moment when the party began.

I used to believe in you.

Maybe it’s unfair, that for all of these years, the person who I’ve been has been entirely dependent on who you were, whether you realized it or not. Maybe I shouldn’t have allowed myself to become so attached, even when you were growing away, apart.

Still, I used to believe in you.

Beneath your skin
Inside your head
Replacing the words
With nonsense instead
Invading your thoughts
A penetrating hum
Of things to do
Places to run
Dates and times
It hardly seems
You can keep up
Ripping at the seams

Don't you dare break
Don't slip at all
Don't trip don't fail
Don't you dare fall

We're watching you
Bloodthirsty hordes
Waiting waiting
For one wrong word

One wrong action
One mistake
Don't you dare fall
Don't you dare break

You look so controlled
Just like always
Strolling down the street
Talking in the hallway
Acting like its just
How it used to be
Everything in place
Aligned so perfectly

But still in your head
You know its wrong
This pressure's been building
All along

And now its appears
Breaking point is near

Tell me

How long 'til that smile
Is washed away by tears?
Not long, you say
We'll see, won't we, dear?

Some "friendly" advice
From a person who "cares"
And who "knows what its like"

Dazed and dreaming
Float away
Watch the world
With an empty face
They call you beautiful
They call you smart
They say "your future's bright"
And that you have a big heart

So why does it feel
Like you're on your own
Even when you laugh
It's like you're all alone
They laugh along with you
They talk and they share
But still sometimes
It's like they aren't really there

Not on the same page
Not even the same book
They've got the right one
And you don't know where to look
Because everything you say
Just comes out wrong
And now you're wondering how long
You can play along

Before they can see through you
To call your bluffs
Before they realize what's happened
And say that they've had enough
How long will it take
til they figure it out?
How long will you last
Once they've figured you out?

Not long, probably...
You that's its true
And when all's said and done
They can laugh at you
On your own
Because
You already know
How to survive alone

The tinny sound of someone laughing
Drifts lazily across the room to my ears
And the barely perceptible whispered snatches
Of snide comments are all that it seems I can hear
A flip of bleached hair and the flash of a mirror
Invade my peripheral vision and blur
Just because you have finished before the bell
Doesn't mean that the rest of us don't have work

There's a girl far away
Who has no money to pay
For the things she needs every day
But that doesn't matter
Beacause it will never happen to me

There's a tiny child crying
And though his family is trying
They've got no food for him to eat to stop him from dying
But that doesn't matter
Because it will never happen to me

A woman is standing in the village square

Hair dyed the perfect shade
Streaked with virtual sun
Eyes lined flawlessly
Down the court she runs
A squirt of sticky spray
Keeps everything in place
And her waterproof mascara
Never runs down her pale, smiling face
Her uniform's ironed flat and clean
Her sneakers squeak, neatly tied
The ball floats between her hand and the floor
Her opponents gasp as she runs by

Tiny blonde ringlets
Fall into her face
Tiny distractions
Her attention strays
The rest of the world,
and what the teacher is saying
Fade out of her thoughts
Out the window, she's gazing

He smiles at the lady
Behind the office desk
Wishing it wasn't so bright
Wishing he stood out less
He knows that what he's doing
Is completely out of line
But that doesn't mean

A deep sea of sapphire
Rimmed by slate,
Looking into your eyes
I can tell it’s too late
We did not make it
We were just too slow
You’ve been waiting for hours
And you’ve waited alone

It was foolish to say
That we’d make it so fast
But we got caught up in time
And now she’s slipped past

There will be no goodbyes
At least not for her to hear
I can see from your eyes

The last thing I can remember
Is the sound of your crying
And the way it was cut off
When she slammed the door shut
And drove away

The last thing I said to you
My final "I love you"
Cut off because it was too quiet
And you were already being
Driven away

The song our mother sang to you
Playing over again in my head
Still sounds the same way that it did

You're upset again
And the whole world must know
You can't handle the "stress"
You just want to let it go
All of it

But you do it every day
And it's getting old
Always the same problems
No emotional control
Hysterical

More tears and shouting
Accusations are flying
Insults are flung
And you aren't even trying
To calm down

Haven't you ever thought
That we're sick of this game

Amazing
Beautiful
Curious
Dependable
Energetic
Flamboyant
Generous
Honest
Intelligent
Jubilant
Kind
Loving
Masterful
Noticeable
Outrageous
Patient
Quirky
Respectful
Secure
Talented
Under control
Vibrant
Witty
Xanadu
Zealous (but only sometimes)

…Y is for You…

Argumentative
Bookish
Confused
Demanding
Expendable
Flawed
Gutless
Humiliating
Imitative

tiny drops
spring
from nowhere
burning my eyes
two twin rivers,
the smallest
in the world,
dripping down,
'til they reach
the floor
ignoring
the hand
that swipes them
away
all those words:
"don't cry"
"It's going to be fine"
Forgotten

I don't want to look away
Turn around
Hide my face
But that is the only way
I can cope
In this place

You all look so normal
Like you belong,
Like you know how to respond
I just feel awkward
Alone, out of place
So lifeless dull, just in your way

Sometimes you look up
And wonder why
That strange girl is standing there
"What's wrong? Is she shy?"
I glare back at you
And you turn away
Normalcy reigns once more
And you hurry away

....meh....I don't like this poem but I'm going to post it anyways...

She sits in the corner
Near the end of the day
Her classmates are laughing
No one's looking her way

Head bent over a book
Face hidden by her hair
She almost never looks up
And she never seems to care

They say she is ugly
After school when they talk
Though she hears them ridicule her
Right by them she walks

I would be her friend
At least that's what I say

Never to be spoken aloud,
Now that you’re so far away,
All these things I’m thinking,
That I never got a chance to say,

There’s nothing I can do,
But sit here, hearing all these words,
Knowing what I want them to mean,
And knowing that they’ll never be heard,

Sometimes I have to wonder,
What would have happened, had we won,
How much better would it be,

All alone
On your own
No one else is coming home
By yourself
There's not anyone else
Who will be here anytime soon
You are alone

Trapped out here
With your fears
No one to see your silent tears
No one's there
Pretending to care
As night comes ever nearer
It's so clear

All hope gone
Not moving on
Forgetting that you were not wrong
Trying to ignore
That self you abhor