Special's blog

you were never one
for
lowercase letters
or
incorrect punctuation,
were you?

no, i don't think that one is you.

For once,
I am going to let myself
be as clueless as I
really am.

Deal with it.

This is incomplete- i'm thinking of adding another verse- but i don't know what to say or how to say it....

Left without thought
Left without light
Waiting for the dawn to break
Waiting for the night

Daddy’s little girl
Wouldn’t
Wait for her silver lining
Daddy’s little girl
Is ready
To take the world smiling

Taking bigger steps
Leaps that leave you breathing
She’s made up her mind
Now that she is leaving

Leave behind your
Two wheeled bicycle
Tell yourself that
You’ve done well by her

Daddy’s little girl
Wouldn’t
Wait for her silver lining
Daddy’s little girl
Dance barefoot
Forgets her timing

I can't even
begin
to mention how little that
makes sense to me,
how stupid it sounds,

how much i need to hear it
again and
again.

The writer
can't find words to
explain herself.

I can hear them
behind me
"oooh, look at that
Pokemon
card"
they
are
less than three feet away
in the same room,
but they have no clue
what's going on
inside
of
me.

Are you really
going to do this?
are you really
going to let it all
go?
There are so
many ways
you can break
now.
so many ways he can ruin
you
for
good
this
time.

Where you PLANING on saying anything?!

No really, what happened, what happened to this?

487 just became
56
and

All I want to say to you
is everything.

But you always say
nothing.

I want 487 back.

I don't care about
you
and You don't care about
me

So
together we're just
shit.

So why does it
feel so.....
I don't want to say
good
because it doesn't anymore
I just need it.
I'm fucking addicted.

Can you not go one minute
without making
me hate you
and hate myself.

Can I not be about to tell
you
something
reallyreally
important
without you
fucking whatever this is we have- this stupid
stupid
fucking relationship- up?

God, I'm so
blaming you now

I can't take it,
it's your turn.

I hope
I don't seem like
I don't care

Because, don't you see,
I'm just protecting
myself
so that I don't care
too much

and loose it all.

Damn,
I just want something
to break this silence

And God,
I just don't want to be alone
again

But I can't stand the sound
of all these voices
in my head.

Something needs to be released
because
where ever I am
I cannot stay

I'll never stay
too long.

footsteps
more potent than
deep breaths
and little boys
with drying
tears.

~What happens when you break the rules?~

You get broken.

She'll keep telling herself it's a necessary evil
She’ll keep lying to her soul
One more step; one more breath
Sometimes seems like too much
She’s convinced herself she’s too old, for

Little girl’s dreams
And little girl’s dresses
She’s ripped at the seams
And she’s leaving her messes
Behind.

She’ll keep telling herself it’s a necessary evil
As the scars write themselves on her arm
She’s confused, she thinks this love is alright
This love of her blood and her harm
She spends all her time searching her heart for

Little girl’s dreams
And little girl’s dresses
She’s ripped at the seams
And she’s leaving her messes
Behind.

She’ll keep telling her self it’s a necessary evil
She’ll keep lying to her soul
She’s convinced that the world
Has nothing left for her
And she has nothing left for the world, but her

Little girl’s dreams
And little girl’s dresses
She’s ripped at the seams
And she’s leaving her messes

I know how
helpless
i'm making you feel
(i've felt it too)

but i don't really care.

I'd
like
to
think
that
what
you
saw
wasn't
all that I had left.

I filled a whole page
with my writing

and if it weren't for you

would have burned it.

If i looked at you
a different way

would you love me
just a little more?
or
hate me just a little
less?

He's
not
very
smart,
but he's very cute.

~enough?

I lost touch
with what i thought
was reality
and fell into
something
worse.

I know why,
because
watching people fail at life
is actually
pretty funny.

I lingered on the phone
for a few more moments
knowing that
the dial tone
would soon send me
away.

He was beaten
until
he was fexilble enough
to be wound.

(this is a piece inspired by the story of David Pelzer)

Three seconds ago
what i thought
had nothing to do
with what i meant,

and what i meant
was somewhat
different
from what i said,

and now I'm thinking
that was what i meant all along.

Love, for me,
is
violet eyes
and dark,
dark hair.

Loving you was not my intent.

Infact
meeting you wasn't
either.

It's all your fault.

*Damn the fucking rules*

What I want
is real confidence
the kind that comes
with
a commanding air.
I want to be like them.

I can imagine
you'd say,
that I'm extremely confident.
When I grin and jump at
opportunities.
I am random
and
spontaneous
and I can
hold my own with the older kids.
But that isn't real confidence-
that stuff is only
skin deep.
The kind
that comes from shutting yourself
off
telling yourself
lies.

What I want is true confidence-
the confidence that
doesn't leave me so
shaken.

"you lost me after last night"
and
Three days later i still hate myself.

*cheating again*

You said that
suicide wasn't
and option
for you
(something about
pain)

But i'm not
saying anything...

*I'm breaking the rules*