Sweet Dreamer?'s blog

The leaves fall fast to the earth; they crunch under my converse. The air is crisp and the breeze is ruffling my dress. I see him, he seems so far away. The music plays gentle and sweet, like a mothers kiss to her fragile child. I hear the whispers of my family, my friends. I feel the warmth of my fathers body, standing so close to mine. See him; his eyes wide with fear and excitement. Everyone is staring at me. We walk. My dress shuffles, white silk gliding against the ground. We get to the end of our journey. My dad squeezes my hand, I turn to stare at him. A tear glides down his cheek: I reach up and brush it away. The piano man is playing our song. Butterfly Kisses, floats through the trees and over the lake. He kisses my forehead and backs away. I look around at all the faces I know and love. I force my quivering legs to walk forward. There he is, already crying. My sweet husband. I smile and look at my sisters, they smile back. Meg reaches up and takes my bouquet.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean it. I thought it was gone for good! I’m confused. I need you. You can’t just die. No I wont let you. Please. I can’t do this all on my own. If you go, I will pull the trigger. If you leave, I will jump off the stool. If you die, my blood will paint the bathroom floor. I don’t want you to leave me. What will I have left? Your memories? Pictures? It isn’t the same! I need to smell the perfume I bought you for Christmas on living skin. Not a pale white coffin victim. I need to see your face, hold your hand, here your laugh. I need the fights we have each morning. I need to wipe my tears on your warm shoulder, need to feel your hands putting a blanket on me late at night as I dream. I need you to stay. I need you. I need you. The cancer can wait to have you, but I can’t. I need you.

I've been up since 11 o'clock YESTERDAY morning. High school starts tomorrow....yikes. Can't remember where my classes are...double yikes. My outfit is hangin' on the back of my computer chair, which means I've been pushed to the floor. I'm on my laptop too so it is extra un-comfortable here on the hard carpet of my tiny bedroom. I also figured out, while trying unsuccesfully to get some sleep, that I have grown too big to fit on my bed. My feet dangle off the end. Not fun because all the blood went in them and put them to sleep. I'm trying to kill time. I have to wait for 5 o'clock to come around so I can take a shower. I have to dry my hair, thats gunna be an adventure all its own. The last time I tried to dry my hair, it got stuck it the hair drier!!! I started to freak out and I yanked out the plug from the wall. My mothers hair drier smells like burnt hair when you use it now. Oops! =] It's only 4:38. Not cool in my book.

Sitting, waiting. I was bouncing up and down. Out of control. I see you and at the moment, I don’t care. We ask to sit at our spot. We walk. I bounce, you watch. Lights out the night starts. Five dollars paid a heart in return blue ink bleeding into my skin. I turn and bounce as I wait for my girls to pay. Their hands get marked and I’m out of sight, already asking for my first can. They follow, as do you. At the moment all I can see is a small can with my escape sloshing around inside. I open and I chug. My veins react to this old friend. Poison drips in and the night truly begins.

I never looked back. Even though I knew it was all my fault. I could hear the screams of my old friends. The frantic shout of parents looking for their wailing childs hands. There was nothing else I could do, even though I knew I would want to stop the flames as soon as they hit the wall.

I wish that I was all alone so then I could see my shadow. My shadows a very shy little person. I don’t know why she is so shy she chooses to be I suppose. But when I’m alone she comes to play and figure out the mystery. When mom comes home or someone comes back, she almost always fades. But when it is you, coming to me, my shadow begins to giggle.

If you died in a car wreckage, I don’t think I would be sad. Well maybe for like two seconds and then I’d be like, yes!!

If you could live once more, and know what the future held in its grasp threatening to let go like clouds threatening to soak you with a million drops of rain, would you live it out like you knew nothing of the occurance?

If I once knew you and now you are gone, who do i now know? I know the halls we once walked along. I know the paved road to your house wether it is paved with flowers, sun, rain, leaves or memories. But it doesn't matter anymore, for you have been taken away from me by a bullet that escaped its chamber. By only one motion it made you nothing more then a victim.

one quick glance. one little wave. one more moment. three words later. four hours together. two nights later. one cellular vibration. three nervous hours. thousand words said. long distance call. phone dies quick. call him back. cell service sucks. lost my reception. call him back. say sorry service. phone charges slow. cell dies fast. ill call you tommorow. same time good?

two in the morning. the doorbell rings. should i answer? or should i lay in the dark?

I'm losing control. I can't do anything right. I'm fighting to stay above water. But, I'm slowly drowning in my kiddie pool life. No one will save me. No one knows, that all I need is some love and faith. I'll just keep drowning in the flash backs of my life. The scariest ones are like re-living. I see myself bleeding and crying.

When this is over you'll be gone. The police station will be too. Only the smell of pine and hemlock will be left of you. When this is over I will walk to your house, my eyes looking through a window of tears. Remembering your face, your smile, your touch. When this is over I'll knock on your door and break the window of tears, like a rock breaking the placid bay surface.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean it. I thought it was gone for good! I’m confused. I need you. You can’t just die. No I wont let you. Please. I can’t do this all on my own. If you go, I will pull the trigger. If you leave, I will jump off the stool. If you die, my blood will paint the bathroom floor. I don’t want you to leave me. What will I have left? Your memories?

as i walk down the aisle, i wonder what he will look like. the coffin is glossy red oak with green velvet lining. i peer in and there he lies, calm as a newly fallen snowflake in hot coco. he is pale and his hair is combed. i reach in and stroke the dark brown strands, my hand shakes like thunder. i mess up his hair and draw back my hand. his suit is crisp, clean. not one drop of blood.

Waiting for the snow to stop falling. I bite my nails to the bleeding point. Waiting for the phone to ring. Pacing 1, 2, 3 turn 1, 2, 3. Waiting for mom to come home. Swearing at silence. Waiting for someone to save me. Crying into my pillow. Waiting for someone to care. Blood stains the wrist like paint on a wall. Waiting for someone to find me. Staying still on cold bathroom tile.