horsegrl291's blog

Now
Now is the time
You have to do it now
You know you do
You got to
Now
This is the only chance
The only chance you have
Time is being chewed up
As you just sit there
Wondering what people think of you
Instead of what you could do
The clock is ticking
You’re leaving it there
Like an unfinished test
Oh great
For now what you need to do
Is for all to see
You’re scared
You’re unprepared
You’re on the spot
So pressured
Oh, how you wish it was over
But you can dream about that later
All you do is close your eyes
And just do it
You soar through skies of possibilities
Your feelings go off like fireworks
When you open your eyes
You realized
Just how much potential you have
When you let go of all
All your inhibitions
All your thoughts
All your peers
All your broken self esteem
You
And your peers
Are astonished
You are proud
You are thankful for doing it
If you didn’t
You wouldn’t have ever
Experienced diving into

there's just this one thing
that's always on my mind.
it won't go away,
it's just there
like an unwanted person, or thing
bothering you all the time
it won't leave you alone,
yet to everyone else,
is totally silent.
it's like an unanswered question
baduring you all the time.
you wonder why it's there,
seeing as, you don't know the answer.
you try to listen,
but then all of a sudden,
it goes silent.

Four-wheelers, dirt bikes, dirt jumps, rocky road, long trails; this is life I wish I could go back to right now. Jordan, Minnesota is where I long to be, the place where you can always smell hot dogs or hamburgers being grilled, spaghetti or macaroni and cheese being cooked. It’s the place where the dirt is always flying, as well as the people; the place where friends and family are jumping on the leave covered trampoline or swimming in a dirty pool. The atmosphere that surrounds is almost uplifting. You can talk to people, and they love your presence, no one fights anymore, even if you are in the same family. Everyone always has a smile on their face as if to say “hi, welcome to my home.” It’s my utopia, my place of Zen and peace. My cousins live in this wonderful place, it’s their home, and always will be.
Every time my family visits, I finally feel accepted, because people like me for who I am, not what I look like, or how I act. When we arrive, the guys, and sometimes the girls, have mud all over them. This would be because they have been either four-wheeling, or dirt biking. G-Dogg is their team name, they named themselves that after their father, Glen K*****, who died a while ago from Dermatitis, which turned into P.C.P. pneumonia. Without him, many of the team members would not have been born. The rest who were not direct family, were taken in by Glen and treated just like his own kids, brothers, or sisters. Glen put so much passion into racing, that he structured his life around it, and lived for it. He is missed by all, and his legacy lives on in their team spirit.

So much sadness
and anger
is balled up in my throat
too hard for me to swallow
too hard for me to let go

"why did this happen?"
I ask myself.
"how on earth, did this become such an issue for me?"
hmn...
"Is this all really my fault?"
The quesitons roll around in my thick skull
Forcing the ball to become sufficatingly big.

with each question,
came another tear, followed by one more
With the questions left unanswered,
I remained in silence
as the ball in my throat
grew larger
than what I had planned

"is there a reason why, I let this go on ignored?"
the pain comes as I try to swallow the ball,
and tears are rushing
down my smooth, soaked, cheeks
"it's all my fault...isn't it...?.."

Can't see,
through my flooded eyes
too much is happening
too many thoughts
too many questions without answers
too much time left in my life to get answers

my lungs are burning up,
like a forest fire
I can't breathe
I can't concentrate
I can't think
I can't do anything,
right now

darkness seems to eat me up
as the ball grows larger,
in my throat
the light in the room I'm in slowly seems
to be dropping down to almost a black
which only makes me cry harder,
making the tears come faster,
the ball in my throat doesn't release itself
there is no way for me to get rid of it

there is still,
way too much going on
I seem to be floating in the blackness
of pain,
agony,
sadness,
anger,
it tries to comfort me somehow
but all I do is try to ignore it
get rid of it
but ending up
hurting me worse than the ball in my throat
it sits there as if I swallowed a piece of iron,
metal, or steal,
but otherwise something that would still hurt
and not care to be causing pain

as the darkness seems to get darker, blacker
I close my eyes,
pushing out all of the tears of my eyes,
pouring them down my red cheeks
and in my attempt to shove away all of the blackness,
I end up blacking out, myself,
and going into a
deep,

Writer's block
doesn't help
when you want to say something
but don't know how to say it
it's like the words
are on the tip of your tongue
almost afraid
to shine,
let loose,
and break through that hard set of teeth
But I guess that's just a metephore
to how I am
wanting to say or do something,
but afraid to shine,
let loose,
and break through that hard outer edge
of fright
Writer's Block
is nothing more
than words being afraid
to shine,
let loose,
and break through that hard set of teeth
all they need, is time
time to figure out
when the right time is,
to talk

How could something
That seems so...amazing
Turn into such a nightmare
the next time you blink?

Why could smoething so precious
be brought into the world
only to be given a short period of time
to live inside the womb
not to even be born,
but with just ten weeks inside the womb
not even being able to hear or see yet
your life was taken

I wish you could have stayed longer, little friend
so I could teach you as my fourth sibling
the ways of living
the rights and wrongs of living
the fun times and even those of torture
that come out of life
and then,
when you think all is lost
another little one,
comes to try to make things better.
but this time,
I'm real scared
not only for you, little child,
but for my family.
for me
for my mom
for my dad
for my two sisters
and my two-year-old little brother.
somethings just aren't meant to be endured more than once
but all I can do is pray and make sure that this child makes it safely
and that this one, is Ok.

but as the darkness washes over me
and I am surrounded by a sea of pain
I am numbed by the presence of my family
unaware of my surroundings
only sure of the reason why I cannot see
because my eyes are flooding
But I come to a point
the ten week mark, again,
to where I cannot cry any longer.

I'm still scared
for my mom is expecting another, little one
I pray to the Lord.
no matter how much doubt fills me,
no matter how much this will make me suffer
I want this one to live.

It is now past the ten week mark
And the baby
Is
Still
Living
but I still pray, that this one
Will not die,
but live

This baby, will be God's Olive branch
for the flood is over
and we should not be scared
we should come out of the ark.
where we grieve ,
and wait for the pain to stop.
the fight is over
The dove has come
with the branch
to assure us
that we will no longer be
At loss.
But with everything to gain
With God on our side.

"Oh say, can you see
by the dawn's earl..."
(oh, my gosh! the mic isn't working!)
"Oh say, can you see
by..."
(It shut off again!)
"Oh say, can you see
By the..."
(they're gonna make me sing in front
of the whole
Baseball team now!)
-
Shakily walking out
Scared to death of screwing up
I stop and look
Everyone is standing there on the foul lines
looking at ME!
-
(loudly)
-
"Oh say, can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed
at the twilight's last gleaming
Whose broad stripes and bright stars
thru the parilous fight
O'er the ramparts we watched"
-
(I think someone is laughing...)
-
"were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare,
the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there."
-
(darn I hope my voice doesn't start cracking)
-
"Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free
and the home of the brave?"
-
(Hey! They're claping! They heard me! Yeay!)
-
--walking off the feild--
-
(hope the mic works next time)

Window’s Vista
~~~
The Best Part of a Brand New Computer

Windows Vista, every teenager's prison dream. Always getting to be logged out at only nine pm, never having to worry about the internet criminals of the world, because the leash is set to where I can't even go to Myspace. But who really wants a Myspace when you can have an AIM profile instead. The new age version of computers only wants to be protective though, and make it so that you aren't sitting down all day communicating and socializing with friends. But this program doesn't run itself on random, no, no, no. The things holding me back from going certain places on the internet, and staying up all night on the computer is a little amazing thing you would call parental controls. I mean who doesn't want to be controlled by your mother 24-7? Not me that's for sure. The newer the computer you have, the tighter the parental controls you can have, and that means a whole lot more fun. And I am most definitely not kidding around, if you know what I mean.
Now, there are many features on this program that a computer from maybe last year does not have. If you are one of the people who has an outdated computer, you must get a brand new computer with the new programs and tell your parents to get on with the parental controls. Who wouldn’t want to miss out on so much fun? In order to get parental controls on your computer, you need to have two usernames on the ‘log in’ screen. Your parent’s username is obviously the administrator’s username, meaning the computer’s control freak. If it is your mother who is doing the controlling, then she’ll have to make an account on the computer along with a hidden password that you will never be able to find out because you aren’t even aloud to be in the same room as her when she is typing it in.

He is risen
He died to free us from our sins
On that painful cross
To prove that someone who had done
Nothing wrong
Cared about everyone
And would Give his life
To show that sins can vanish
Because of what Jesus did for us
On this Easter day
We must remember
That He rose on that day
In the cave
The people found
Nothing
Emptyness
He is gone
But, no
He is not gone,
He is risen
You shall see him again
"Do not fret," the disiples of God said
"He is here."
"He is alive."
"He is risen."

Happy Easter

Now, there are many features on this program that a computer from maybe last year does not have. If you are one of the people who has an outdated computer, you must get a brand new computer with the new programs and tell your parents to get on with the parental controls. Who wouldn’t want to miss out on so much fun? In order to get parental controls on your computer, you need to have two usernames on the ‘log in’ screen. Your parent’s username is obviously the administrator’s username, meaning the computer’s control freak. If it is your mother who is doing the controlling, then she’ll have to make an account on the computer along with a hidden password that you will never be able to find out because you aren’t even aloud to be in the same room as her when she is typing it in.

don't forget to read the first part and the ones that follow!

Oh, Lord
Please forgive me of my sins
I didn't mean to hurt them
I scarred and broke their hearts
I wish I could take it all back
I wish I could ignore the fact
That what I did
Will be remembered
Oh, God,
Please help them to forget,
And forgive me
For my wrong-doing
I wish I could accept the fact
That You, Lord,
Do not consult or pasts,
To create our futures
But too much in on my mind right now
All I can do is repent
To sing a song,
Of repentence
Amen

I'm walking down
the hallway
there he is!

What should I do?
What should I say?
Should I do,
anything?
Should I say,
anything?

I don't do a thing
except panic
I dart up the empty stairs,
and rush past the skinny, yellow lockers
hoping he doesn't notice me,
hoping I may still have a chance
to hide somewhere
wishing I wasn't in that place,
at that moment,
wondering why I was

Now I'm safe,
in the library's quarters
as he walks by the window
I feel like a fool
I didn't do anything to acknowledge him
o, well.
guess have to wait
until next time we meet
the bell just rang for class

I sit
and I wait in silence
wondering what exactly
you are doing right now
what you are thinking of
who you're with

I wish I could call you
but alas,
I don't know your number

I would talk to you in the internet
but alas,
you are not signed on

I wish you would reply to the e-mails
I've sent
full of the questions I've asked you
why don't,
you reply?

I miss your face,
at karate
since baseball started

You are kind of like an idol for me at karate
I mean,
you are a black belt,
for crying out loud
who doesn't look up to someone who has
acheived such greatness,
such grace,
such power?

New York Mets,
he says,
is his favorite team
he's got the coolest hats to prove it

I'm still waiting
for you to show up online
so we can talk
or for you to just answer my e-mails
I only talk to you on the internet
because I am too scared to talk to you
face to face
because I'm afraid of acting stupid.
on the internet,
I don't have to worry about you seeing my face
get all red
with embarrassment

so when you get the chance
sign in online,
so we can chat,
I'm still waiting.

Window’s Vista
~~~
The Best Part of a Brand New Computer

Windows Vista, every teenager's prison dream. Always getting to be logged out at only nine pm, never having to worry about the internet criminals of the world, because the leash is set to where I can't even go to Myspace. But who really wants a Myspace when you can have an AIM profile instead. The new age version of computers only wants to be protective though, and make it so that you aren't sitting down all day communicating and socializing with friends. But this program doesn't run itself on random, no, no, no. The things holding me back from going certain places on the internet, and staying up all night on the computer is a little amazing thing you would call parental controls. I mean who doesn't want to be controlled by your mother 24-7? Not me that's for sure. The newer the computer you have, the tighter the parental controls you can have, and that means a whole lot more fun. And I am most definitely not kidding around, if you know what I mean.

keep reading these posts on my satire story!

Some things just can't be said
About the things I've wanted to say to you.
Some things just can't be shown
About the way I feel about you.
Some things just can't be known
About the things I've wanted to do for you.
Some things just can't let go
Of the littles things we have in common
Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep
Wishing I would have
Done something different,
Said something different,
Somethings just want to cry out
"We are perfect for eachother,
Can't you see?"
Why can't I say the things
I've been longing to say to you
Why can't I do the things
I've been longing to do for you
Why can't I show the things
I've been longing to show you
I'm not very fair to myself
I always cut myself short
Guess all I'll have to do
Is wait for you to come around
And to give me a chance