papergirl48's blog

It's easier face-to-face,
but if you don't have the guts for it,
I guess that's okay too.

Now you've passed the hard part on to me.

If you listen, but don't hear;
I won't mind.

I will still speak.

Milton is not behind the couch, there is only a lot of dust.
I would not have imagined it any other way.
And I never will.
(Or maybe I just don't want to.)

Ever notice how obscure I talk around you?
It's because you would understand.
And if you didn't, you would try.

I send a paper airplane, and hope it doesn't get caught in the branches.
I am his, you are his, we are his, and we are all together...
More like I was never anybody's. You were always hers.
And I never noticed.

Ever notice how you could always wheedle something out of me?
It's because I really wanted you to know.
I sought comfort, and you would provide.
And I, being dull as I am, believed comfort equaled something more.

My paper airplane
is dirty,
creased and smudged
from flying so
long. Almost
illegible,
but still
there.

Look up and see it.

Look up, and read what I implied
years, months, days ago

I just wanted to know

did you lie to me,
or did you make an exception
for her?

Either way,
it still
hurts.

I miss the Siamese Twins.

Black planet pencil
(with no eraser)
Flowers for my deathbed
(but not for hers)
3rd grade songs and poems
(written, but never told)
My imaginary friend,
(the one that could do anything)
and yours, John
(seat backs)
Just a pair of psychics
(in the form of a pentagon)
Bus?
(and then you forgot it changed.
Did you ever notice I wasn't there?)
BJS
and MEG
(do you remember?)
Sugaring
(one path)
Sitting tree
(zzup)
and Miss Congeniality.
(april 2nd)
Dances
(and none)
Notes
(coded)
Faces
(made)
Opportunities
(wasted)
Bus
(why then, not now?)
Project X
(amazing, of course, but you never saw why)
Pirates of Penzance
(not talking to you was more difficult than you can imagine.)
Friends
(for a while)
SBT
(sigh)
Core
(my computer, constantly debated)
May
(growing)
June
(strengthening)
June
(crying)
June
(loving)
June
(learning)
June
(healing)
August
(repeating)
Couch
(not for me.)
Thoughts
(not for me.)
September
(realizing)
October
(accepting)
October
(understanding)
October
(remembering.)

This is a bit of a rant.
Okay, more than a bit of a rant. A big rant.
(And just for those who might want to complain that this isn't expressing 'artistic feeling' or something, no offense, but it can be taken as a lesson in free speech. And the struggles of being forced to write in a way that makes me feel like I am tearing up my paper with Native American arrowheads.)

So. In science we're writing lab reports about these tests we took at this river. I was really excited for mine; for the first draft I had 3.5 pages, and I very carefully made sure I had all the elements of the rubric, but also making sure that I wasn't directly saying 'my hypothesis is', but implying it and saying it multiple times in different ways to get the point across.

We got our first drafts back today with comments.

I'm planning on podcastifying one of my blog entries tomorrow....any suggestions for which one? I would put it up, of course.

I think I'm leaning towards "Prosetry"... but any other ideas?

This is about the time
where you show up on the white stallion
and try to help me over this
this
this, take 2.

[Don't worry,
it's fine,
we'll be
okay and I
love you.]

But funny
it's quiet, except for the radio, playing my dad's old music.
It's lonely, despite the fact that my house is full
and I'm scared.
How serious is 'very serious'?
Sometimes fright has human form, did you know that?

[Don't be scared, it's okay, I'm here,
it's not life threatening, and everything
will be
fine and I
love you.]

Last night, I was totally numb.
Why not go crazy,
I can't feel it anyway

why the hell not?
What if...oh god, no.

[Shhh, it's okay
I'm here, you'll be fine,
we're all scared and I
love you.]

Please! Where are you?
Not twice in less than two months...
this is too much, help me
we're all freaking out
and I don't know what to do

[Hush, sweetie, I know
I know
I know.
Just shh, shh
shh
I'm here and I
love you.]

[I just wish
you
knew.]

They watched the fire burn, laughing.

When someone changes that much, they have no right to turn on the person who's been with them the whole time.
That would be me.

We're walking down the path. Not next to each other, of course, God forbid. Anything to keep from being seen 'with' me.
So I get to stare at the back of your calves the whole time.
(Not that I mind.)
(It's just that now that you lost all that weight, the muscles that I always knew were there are now actually visible.)
(See, I wasn't making it up.)

You're kicking a rock, big soccer champ that you are.
Dribbling it back and forth and showing off. Just in case anyone's watching your leg muscles rippling.
(Apart from me.)

Because obviously I'm not the only one to notice.
Generally, when you lose 20+ pounds over the summer, at exercise camp, you do attract some attention the next semester.
I should have realized that. I kick myself and pretend no one saw me almost trip.

TALK TO ME, LOSER.
(No offense.)

Silence. I apologized, didn't I?

J’entends que ‘Man on Wire’ est fantastique.
Hmmmm.
HMMMMMMMMM.

Est-ce que tu comprends ?
J’ai réuni un garçon hier qui a fait.

Quand tu parles à moi, elles disent Ahhhhh, Regardes, il t’aime !

euh, non. Tu es mon ami. Oui.

Mais….je suis heureuse, et j’espère que tu es heureux aussi.
Si, j’ai fait les sacrifices. Je vais être son amie.

Tiens, je pense que tu sois….

Tu a me posé qu’est-ce que je fais ce week-end.

Bon ben, pas beaucoup….je vais à une fête, et je fais les devoirs.

J’ai toussé. Ahm.

Peut-être en hiver. Ou au printemps.

Mais je ne sais pas !
Est-ce que tu….

Tu ne dis jamais…mais

J’ai vu, et je sais
tu n’aime pas

Je pense que tu n’as pas compris que j’ai t’aimé ce soir.
Ou je n’ai pas compris. C’est possible.

J’ai baillé et j’ai eu mal aux jambes,
mais je ne veux pas reposer parce que….
je ne veux pas être évidente, bien sur !

Once upon a time there was an English assignment.

Two PERFECT poems.

Follow this rubric
or you fail.

Structured
and
chopped
up
and
analyzed
until

allthecreativityranofftheedgesanddrippedoffthewall,
leaving
nothing
but

blaehhhhhhhhhhhh.

A+.

I SHALL ADD PURPLE TO THESE MOUNTAINS,
THERE IS A RED BARN RIGHT HERE.

So fail me.
I don't care.

I just wanted to know
if you were there that night
and if you looked
for me.

Cruel cycle.

I was mad, and felt alone.
You talked to her, not me.
I was sad, but you didn't see;
you looked at her, not me.
Cruel cycle.

If it's just us
then you're my best friend.
And I love you for that.
I love you for that.
I love you.

We talk, and we believe we are lost
Dumb map.

60 miles left. Ride,
and talk to me.
My friend,
for now.

Part 3:

I'm taller, but who cares

in my mind, for now, we are equals.

Our elbows touch.
On purpose.
You think I don't notice

but I watch you move closer.
And in that moment,

I was 12 again.
Cruel cycle.

Smile, talk, laugh.
Will the boat
to slow down.

My arm smells good

You pat my back

and my expectations come flooding back.

Your hand rests on my shoulder for the briefest moment
then you move away.

And I pretend not to care.

But like a magnet, I want to follow.
and maybe you feel it too

because you step back up next to me
and our elbows brush again.

I loved/love/will love

and I want you to know that

before...

no

no

nononononononononononononononono

you can't!

I won't let you

please. please. please.

No one knows why
No one knows how

and I know least of all.

Please forgive me
for not believing you,

I wish you were here
instead of there.

Here.

This time
last year.
Please, please

please.

help, someone

anyone

who can

because I am powerless.

Selfishly,
I'll be lonely
at NE's, AG's, whatever you called it.

Selfishly,
I'll be mad
you didn't agree with my ideas,
my policies,
my beliefs.

Selfishly,
I'm mad that
it was never me.

Worse,
I'm mad that I never felt up with them/you
on faith. love. family. values.
and I feel like
I shouldn't be intruding.

Please, please

I'm mad at myself, too,
I need you to know that

because still in my inbox
is the reply to that email

where I insulted you.

Stupid, buttface, butt-faced, hypocritical jerk.

I think I made a mistake.
I know I made a mistake.

I just want things back
to how they were.

The worst of it is that school is over now,
and I may not see you
until September.
I can't judge your emotions, your reactions,
if you act differently around me now.

I didn't do anything wrong! I did everything wrong.

I thought I understood, I thought you did too,
and if you ask anyone (anyone!) else

it was obvious.

Obvious
even for me
at the end.

I was excited. I was confident. I was positive that that night, everything would work out.
For once.

Please! Rewind! She never said that.
I told her to say that. I take it back. Do I?

Excited, sad, mad, nervous, happy, sad, mad, disappointed.
In the space of an hour and a half.

Why can't you play
one more song?

It was 10 seconds
10 seconds

when I was expecting
more.

Because apparently I read you wrong, I saw what wasn't there, and you didn't get it.
Or maybe you did.

You told me not to freak.
I kept my word.
I didn't.

Maybe I should have.
Why?
What is troubling you both so much, that it goes this far?
Believe me, it's definitely not showing
on the surface.
That's why I'm scared.
Because if there's nothing to do, I can't help.

Why?
Answer me.
Explain.

I blame you.
And I blame her, the other you,
because if she hadn't
you never would have dreamed.

Why?
Why would you?
How could you?

I thought we were friends
I thought we were alike

but I'd never do that.

I bet you said that once.

Why?
You were there, when she got involved.
You were scared for her too.
We were scared together.

Now it feels like...
like it's the two of you,
together,
matched,
because you've both.......

Why?
What can possibly be so f@#ked up in your life,
with two weeks left of school,
no more work,
that can make you
that miserable?

Or are you not miserable at all?
Are you just....curious?

I get mad when he plays tennis with someone else.

Oh, cruel world,
why is there no specific direction
to run around the track?

When I'm lonely,
I turn on the speech option on the computer
and talk to it.

It tells jokes.

Maybe she's right.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe they're
right.
But maybe I'm right too,
and I'm just missing the signs.
Because every time
he comes over,
sits by me,
talks to me,
I'm...happy?
Happy that...he's here?
He's choosing to be here?

This is not how I want it to sound.
This is not how I want it to look.
Maybe we're just friends, maybe we're not.
But I swear to god, I don't want it like it was before...
with the notes
and the promises
and the no's...
and the dreaming up opportunities
that really don't exist.

Maybe I'm being dumb, not understanding;
maybe I was dumb before.
Maybe I should be happy with what I have.
But then,
every so often,
I think
"I really
want

you."
And I don't know if it's ever more than friends.

So I look over, and maybe you're looking back.
Maybe you're not.
But I look,
and I can't tell
what's different.
I just know that
I'm happy when you're there
and I don't want it to change.
So if it does happen,

I am being taught French.
You know, all the n’est-ce pas and the ce sonts, thrown together with a motley collection of infinitives and adjectives, so I have a basic understanding of what I am saying and reading; while to the native tongue it would be a jumble of trying-too-hards. Why do we learn language? I think innumerable times, while struggling my way through textbooks and novelettes about teenagers with vocabularies of only 20 or so words. Why do we learn language?
Why do we have language?
Why don’t we go back to writing everything down, carrying a slate and a piece of chalk to tell people what you want? But no, of course, that would require having one universal “language” that we are writing.
So why have different languages? Why not just one?
Well then, which one? Which do we take, and spread, so the whole Earth is fluent? Mandarin? English? The clicking speech of the African Bushmen?
Or, why not resort to picture? A tree is a tree is a tree, is it not? (n’est-ce pas?) A cat is a cat. A house is a house is a house. We take our slates, and we draw that house. And everyone understands.
But houses—do we draw the familiar American apartment, or one of the Mongol tents? A teepee? A pagoda?
Or a tree—palm? Evergreen? Beech? A tree is a tree is a tree…but all trees are not created equal.
Maybe—presumably—that is how the world used to run, with their versions of slates and chalk, and their versions of drawings. We agreed, we spread the word, that the best way to communicate is through pictures. We drew trees to symbolize trees, a house to symbolize a home.