unmistakingly_alive12's blog

I want it to feel right
he's the right one
but somehow it feels wrong
and that it's too soon

i know my heart
has had time to heal
glue the broken pieces
and move on

but it still doesn't feel right
why can't i be happy
that he loves me and that
i love him?

but then i feel like
my heart belongs to someone
else and that i'm rushing into
things too quick
and not leaving my options open

i know how torn he would be
if i broke our bond
he's loved me for so long
and waited for me to fall back
into his arms stretched wide

i'm confused at this feeling
in the pit of my stomach
nervousness that maybe he's the one
or that i shouldn't have gotten
myself into this relationship
it too hard with school and friends
that maybe i'm overwhelmed

i can't stand feeling like this
when will it become clear
what i want
what i feel
how to love
who to love
where life is going to take me

he doesn't like my hair
and i know it's minor
but it's a part of me

.I haven't seen him in a long time.
..and he'll be here at noon..
...I wonder what he'll say about my new hair...
....I hope he'll like it....
.....I hope he'll still like me after being parted.....
......for much too long......
.......he knows that I love him, I know he does even more.......
........my thumbs twiddle, I wait in silence, he'll be here at noon........

Christmas is tomorrow
and i know i'm supposed
to feel happy
but instead i feel like
i don't belong
that i can never belong
to a family as awesome
as the one i have
they care, they love me
and i never am grateful
for what i have
why can't i just snap
out of this
'all about me' phase
and get over myself?

It's fricken christmas time
time to be happy
share time and gifts
with friends and family
who love you so much
That's it,
i've made my decision
i'm going to make the best
of it
whether it feels right or not
it's fricken Christmas
time to celebrate the JOY
end of an old year
bring on the new
i'm sick of feeling like this
i need to feel alive
and so
i will
new years resolution?
no, but something i need to
live by
for the rest of my LIFE!

I was so excited, couldn't hold in my joy, he was here; too bad he was the only one; LIFE REALLY SUCKS!

Roller coaster emotions
as your hands slips out of mine
a tear rolls down my saddened face
forever gone is time
time for more memories
time for more dreams
time for the realization
that things aren't as they seem
Fariytales are fairytales
and shooting stars, unlucky
beaneath a field of wild flowers
a place, wet and mucky
living in a world
torn apart by means of war and peace
where infectious disease and natural disasters
make the happy times cease
no magical land beyond this one
over a rainbow stretched wide
for the tears in my eyes keep falling
and you're no longer by my side
Tell yourself to stay strong
push the hurt past
keep moving forward
make the memories last
but i wasn't ready for that morning
when i had to let you fly
a lump in my throat and crushed heart
as i said my final goodbye

the snow keeps falling in
in the shivvery winter air
sticking to the frozen earth

the wind whips against the
window, but my hands tingle
with warmth from the hearth

crackling snaps as embers
float to the chimney above
orange against a burnt brown

cheery spirit, decorated
christmas trees porches and
light up the town

reds and greens
sliver and gold
snuggle with a blanket
while stories are told

of christmases passed
surrounded by friends
smiles on every face
a hand extends

to those who don't have
much on christmas this year
struggling to keep them selves warm
done with holiday cheer

give some money
or a coat
or even a warm meal
to those who have
too much on their plate
that they deal

and let christmas pass
the snow fall on the frozen earth
no fire to light up their lives
no warm and cozy hearth

tu mano en mina
para siempre

es la sola cordura
tengo vida

la sola cordura
tengo cualquier cosa
por vivir

la sola cosa
que restos

cada dia
he querido te decir
toda me asusta
toda me hace triste
como me ayudas
pero
es mas tarde
y estoy ido
de tu
de mi familia
de todas las problemas
que me circundan
que cada dia
me circundan

eras la sola persona
que he amado
y la sola persona que amara
por todo de
mi vida
adios

mis orejas desean
a escuchar tu voz

mis ojos desean
a ver tu sonrisa

mis manos desean
a tocar tu cara

mi alma desea
a saber que
estas aqui
siempre
para siempre

mis orejas
mis ojos
mis manos
mi alma
toda de mi
necesitan
a saber
estas mina

why don't you stay
by the side of my bed
in your hand my face
in your lap, my head

lips touch
soft and smooth
whispers of sweet nothings
that calm and sooth

look into those blue eyes
and what do i see
a person who's soul's
a complete mystery

wish i could get inside
your head for just one day
know how you think, know what you love
just see things your way

and take time to check
the stripes on your heart
by the one you had loved
that tore you apart

a puzzle, hard to solve
mismatching colors
and then your gone, dreaming
no i'm for sure you were here
in your hand my face
in your lap my head
stay with me forever
by the side of my bed
te amo

look in the mirror
and cringe at the
sight

how could that be me
mishapen and flawed
gah

but of course
with the dark brown
eyes

the hair that's never
one color, in effort to be
pretty

pretty?
me?
it's like an oxymoron
the two couldn't possibly
go together
...ever

the love handles sticking
out
a protruding stomach
arms that match the size
of some girl's calves

how i wish
i could be like them
beautiful without the effort
to do your hair
and apply make-up

to hide the brokenness
that consumes me...
hide the scars by those
who've left me in pieces
hide the truth that i'll
never have a life beyond
this one or that i won't
ever be who i want
what i want in life
turned away for fear of
turning to stone

but one forbidden kiss
can melt these marble lips
on touch on the cheek can
heal a wounded heart
three whispered words
can repair these stubborn ears

one person to love
and be loved by
can make the difference

the lights
the sound
the wonder
of christmas

a beautiful
performance
with smiling
faces and joyous
voices singing
as one

to tell the tale
of Jesus' birth
shepards gather
round to worship
Him son of God

the lights
the sound
the wonder
of christmas

estoy confundido cuando
los suenos mezcla con
la realidad y yo
no se
que hacer con mi mismo

y la gente alredador de
mi tratan hablar a mi
pero no les escucha
porque no quiero
escuchar la verdad

si yo pudiera vivir
nuevamente mi vida
amaria mas mi familia
mis muchos amigos y
sobre todo mi padre

pasaria mas tiempo
con todo que me ama
sentiria con la persona
que no tiene amigos en
su almuerzo en la escuela
o
esucharia a la persona que
necesita una alguna persona
hablar consigo y tratria les
ayudar

la vida es muy dificil vivir en
y trataba cada dia estar
una persona que es muy feliz
y que ayuda la gente alredador
de mi
y en que algun dia mis amigas
y la gente que yo conoci sabria
mi si una persona muy buena

es mi passion
¿cual es tu passion?

So many things
i wish i could
say to make you
stay, listen
but you turn the
other cheek
and my heart breaks
into a million pieces

So many things
i wish i could do
to show you how
much you are loved
by those around you
but you shut us out
shut out the world
and we fail to retrieve
you from the land
of the dead

So many things
i wish i could hear
your thoughts
your dreams
your wishes
and somehow make them
come true, make you
change your mind to
let me back in
and to never stop
searching

but i know i can't
reach you
my fingers can't grasp
the depth of your soul
nor the deep blue of
your eyes
and so stuck
and alone i'll be
still wishing i could've
said
done
heard
something
something to give you life
and keep you alive

.Trusted, that's what you were.
..i can't go on living a lie..
...why keep doing it, when it only brings more pain...
....i guess that i'll just keep falling into the darkness....
.....will i ever get out.....
......ever see the light or your face again......
.......be free from the hold on my soul.......
........it's a beautiful day, let's go outside and play........

they said snow
and again i'm disappointed
that the people who do the
weather can't make up their minds

my head is spinning with
thoughts from today
my hand taps a pencil against the
desk as i look back and rewind

breathe in breathe out
i watch my chest rise
up and down
how cool it is

that my body knows when
to give me air, give me
life and chooses when it'll
stop or crap out

like an old engine
rusted with time
we're all like that
with our own scars to reveal
our own stories to tell

our own keys to secrets
we've kept hidden from
everyone except that one person
you can trust more than the rest

and so secrets shared beneath
a blanket with a flashlight
at midnight and you're both
to wired to even think about sleep

oh the times of childhood
if only i could remember the
earlier years of bedtime stories
a pacifier in my mouth to stop
the screeching of my once untired
toddler body

I wish i could remember every

que es la vida
como podemos vivir
en un mundo que no cambia
con la gente que no pueden amar

Donde un beso es severo
y no podemos tener
muchachos por los amigos
solo novios

el mundo me hace muy
enojado en que no puede
expresar mis emocionados en
palabras

no puede en musica
o en arte
en pintas
o fotografias

no bailo
no canto
no vivo
en este mundo triste
pero morire solo
con nadie amar
nadie vivir conmigo
nadie bailar conmigo
nadie ver

y solo
no puede a ver su cara
o escuchar su corazon
y amar El
soy una fragmena que vida
debajo las manos de este mundo
que no cambiaria para mi

I used to go with
the crowd
blend in and go
unnoticed

but i've taken
an new voice
live my own life
make my own choice

throughout my life
it's always been
walk this way walk that way
you'll never win

and then my eyes
opened to reality
that life and love
have a certain fragility

it can't stand
for much push or poke
when massive hating
started with a joke

about clothing or hair
something that doesn matter
you take the high road, and me the low
you the better i the latter

life's like a box
of chocolates
you'll never know
what you'll get

but i'll always remember
what life through my way
and i'll never ever
forget

this is chapter one to my novel in progress....the chapter is called turbulence an the book is i'm fine...hence the title...he he
hope y'all ENJOY IT!

Turbulence

“Izzy, Isabelle, what’s wrong?” Jeremy asked taking my shoulders in a firm grip.
“I can’t.” My voice came out as a whisper.
“Iz, I love you so much and I want you to be able to trust me with anything, everything.”

Why and how do people decide to make false truths about someone and then proceed to blab it all over the school; while you unknowingly get stares and jabs at your heart and you don't even know what for...what more?!?

confusion is when there's
no one to point you in the
right direction

confusion
you talk to yourself
though it's not you
but the stronger
part of yourself that
you always wish you
could be

confusion
when you don't know who
you are or why your living
the way you are
or what you do
why you do it
why you're even here

confusion
confusion
confusion
it happens
and there really isn't
anything to do
but wait it out
and hope the end result
isn't something scary
or misleading

the result should be
better
than what you started
with

the result should be
easy
no doubt in any part of
your mind

Searching inside yourself
though it's a place not even
you want to go
see things not even you want
to see
remember
live over again

what is the result
that i'll never be happy
with?

so i'm in the library
trying to come up
with something to write as
analysis for this movie
we watched in English class

about freedom we're told
for that's how it goes
in the movie everyone has
gone and they opened the gates
letting out those with disturbed
minds gone astray long ago

and so they go back to their own
ways of living
being barbers
whores
circus masters
and everything in between
and they live like their free
without a care in the world
while just outside the walls
of the city a war, beyond their
belief is happeneing and freigning
to blow up their city

a soldier from the scottish side
sent in to investigate and unhook
the bombs stored somewhere within
those walls ready to blow when the
clock strikes midnight
and why always midnight i ask
whether it be in a pumpkin with a glass
slipper, or even in movies such as shrek
with unwary ogres and donkeys roaming
in a fairytale land

he gets stuck in this nuthouse and

Why does life have to be so amiss?
Why does love have to be so glum?
Why does a sunny day turn to a storm
in my heart
in my eyes
in my soul

why can't i be happy
why do people judge on the outside
probably because the inside is a place
not even i want to go
not even i want to explore
for fear of exposure
fear of not liking what i see

quick to trust leaves me wounded
and searching for healing
for someone to pick up the pieces
of my broken heart and put it back
together

but that doesn't always seem appealing
for fear
they'll take a piece and never give it back
that they'll take me while i'm vulnerable to
fake love
fake trust
fake sympathy
fake care

i don't deserve those things
i don't deserve to be here
what if i disappeared and never came back
what would the world be then?
would anyone even notice i'm gone?
Am I All Alone
it's cold outside
too cold to dance
to feel alive
but i'm not allowed to feel happy
or loved
or secure
in my own body

There are days when I just don't want to do it anymore!

He yelled at me
or so it seemed
at first i wasn't sure
if it was all just a dream

but then it pricked
up my neck to my face
the familiar embarrassment
leaves my cheek with a red trace

so i droop my head
and keep my words unheard
for fear of raising my hand
sounding foolish and usurd

i know it wasn't really mean
but my stomach lurched with hurt
i felt the tears but held them back
kept my eyes to my shirt

and class went on
again he was happy and light
as if i were no longer in the room
my presence out of his sight

horray for weird moments
that leave you confused and sad
unsure of why things are the way they are
by life can suck so bad

keep you head up
he's just feeling stressed
then why, may i ask
is this situations messed

up, i'll get over it
time will let me heal
i'll just have to get back up
look him in the face and deal

Crisp Autumn leaves
crunch under my feet
it's another gloomy day

of piercing stares
from unknowing eyes
i'm stuck in the miry clay

my feet won't go
an no one knows
the suffering of my heart

he lay there dead
gone forever
my whole world torn apart

a living nightmare
harsh reality
dreams that are meant for sleeping

it keeps getting harder
to just move on
my pillow soaked with weeping

drip drop like rain
off of a roof
are the many tears for my father

sitting alone
all by myself
wishing i was someone other
someplace else
with HIM!

Class of 2009, 2010
you all have a choice
act up against the bullies
use your own voice

and when someone disagrees
maybe pushes you down
makes you feel stupid
like a silly circus clown

get back up
brush off the dirt
they're only words
no matter how badly they hurt

move on, keep going
push back the tears
keep your chin up
fight away the fears

of vulnerablitiy
the only thing holding you back
taking your mind off what's important
leading you off track

so stand up to that person
that pushes you around
show them your not afraid
you're going to stand your ground

class of 2009, 2010
you all have a choice
act up against the bullies in your school
take action, USE YOUR LOUD VOICE!

step this way
step that way
be this way
be that way

if the early bird catches the worm
what am i to catch...
...a cold?

sometimes the seconds
to minutes
to hours
to days
just fly
how is that
how can we be so caught up
that we forget what day it is
forget what mood we're in
forget who we are?

why is it so important to be perfect?
"well if i can't be perfect, i'll settle with normal."
what is normal
is normal not having the courage
to stop your dad's hand as he goes to slap your mom
is normal not standing up for who you are
what you believe in
in fear that someone will shut you down
or beat you
or make fun
why be normal,
when you can be you
unique and full of life

why do we follow the lies
that this world says we need to
be like
act like
look like
as americans
when you think of america, don't you think FREEDOM?
well why can't we all be free
P.O.W. stuck in cells
tortured
beaten
striving to survive
woman in prisons

there are days
when i don't want to sing
there are days
when i have nothing to bring
there are days
that just pass by
there are days that keep me

wondering

sitting

wishing

waiting

for sunrise
for more time
for a new day
a clean slate

there are days
when i'm swallowed in pain
there are days
i wish i could start over again
there are days
i wish never came
there are days
when i'm the only one to blame
just the same

there are days
when all is light
see the world
in a brand new sight
there are days
when i can finally see
the joy and the hope
that completely surrounds me

there are days
when only love
from my gracious father
looking down from above
and i smile
and i laugh
almost forgetting how
but it feels good
to be me now

THANK YOU LORD

It's the last midnight
and i'm awake
staring at my ceiling
about to break
mistakes

It's the last midnight
and all seems great
until we open our eyes to what lies ahead
we're confronted with our fate
not too late

Why can't my dreams
be for my sleep
and all of the tears
for when i weep
somewhere deep

Why can't the world
cooperate and play fair
parents stop shouting enough to listen
and stay out of each other's hair
and Dare

to be different, take chances
unafraid to take a stand
for tomorrow and today
spread it across the land
in your hands

is the ability to make decisions
know what's wrong from what's right
take in the new perspectives
see your life in new sight
don't fight

feeling like you belong
that someone out there cares
enough to try and put a smile on your face
even when whispers and stares
beware

that people will try to bring you down
to build themselves up
but it won't last; their tower will fall

the wind whips through the window
it's rather cold today
even though the clouds are gone
i know the seasons are changing

Change is good, but it doesn't
mean i like it
with the cold weather moving in
time for sweatshirts and hot chocolate

the leaves will soon change
to vibrant reds and yellows
firey orange and dark purple
fragrance of pine pricks your senses

school starts soon
with homework piled high
but i'm not ready for a new year
i won't welcome it

The summer flew by fast
and already i'm a junior
it's scary, just two more years
of my highschool career

where has the time gone
where will i be in 20 years
what will i make of myself
where will the world be?