loverofbeauty's blog

Part 2:

I never really appreciate the fact that we live by the ocean. Two miles, one red light and two quarters for the meter, and the whole ocean is yours. I started coming out here at sunset, ever since I first got my license. It’s like being in the inside of the essence of peace. The waves blustering with white caps and foam crashing redundantly on rocky shores and curling up the sandy beach. I’d sit in the sand, dig my toes in the pools of mushiness and forget that anything was less beautiful than the burning sun slipping behind the horizon.

You always leave in the middle of the conversation
make her say things just to impress you
that don't
keep confusing her beyond bewilderment
and talk crazy sometimes
You're always laughing
turning her into someone she's not
and scaring her that this might be real
you lie everyday
and abuse every secret she's told you

But you keep her inches from thinking
she could be as lucky as those other girls
and maybe she hates every inch of the situation
but she only smiles like this when your talking to her
and she can't seem to feel about anyone else how she's felt about you

she knows the feeling
sinking into shivers
her finger tips trembling
letting the sad song repeat
over and over
until she's crying
over him

She knows the feeling
slipping into the shadows of her mind
scattering memories
to think any of it matters
pulling down her hair
and brushing over makeup
for him

she knows the feelings
the darkness crushing her
into this one ball of pain
singing her soul to the hurting
as he starts tumbling farther away
into hopeless wasteland where she's dying
over anyone

It doesn’t matter where I’m going, and I don’t remember where I’ve been. I pull of the highway ramp, speeding, my head pounding at my hands for letting them lead me into the trap. The old dirt roads are familiar and have been trodden many times by my feet and my bicycle wheels, but I try not to remember. I pull off the road in the usual spot, turn off the engine and forge my way into a sea of memories.

She wants to be strong
no labels, no judgements
She doesn't want him telling her what to do

She wants to be beautiful
light and elegant
and cloud floating aimlessly
through this sea of life

She wants to be right
so she'll never have to feel so weak
or degraded, hated
like she has been before

She wants to be wanted
maybe her dreams ar crazy
full of cornfields and castles
but you are all she really wants

She wants to be young
forever
so she can finish figuring all this out
before its too late

She wants to be strong
so she doesn't have to want anything
just to live in this incredibel world

So
what happens when the stories over?
when the final curtian falls
the last page of the book is turned?

What happens when the song ends?
everyone goes home
your dreams fail you?

What happens when we've outrun every ocean?
and givin up on every boy
used up all the time we used to have?

What happens when its just reality?
and you can't sugarcoat it any farther
can't trick yourself to belive something else is waiting?

What happens when the sun sets?
the lights fade
he never calls?

What happens when i can't convince myself anymore
that this hope will bring me through
that someday things will be better

what happens when i find the truth?
and i'm dissapointed
What happens then?

I know its superficial,
and way too cliched,
the whole pining for someone
longer than is healthy.
I'd like to think i'm strong,
or strong enough,
but sometimes i'll stare deep into your eyes
and think i'm not over you.
It had been one of those days,
where the lines of friendship
and where i used to think we should be,
blurred in my head more than once.
One of those days
that would take me a few minutes
of happiness
before halting down to reality.

You pushed your head into the doorframe,
as we waited by the doorway
for the final bell to ring,
the one thing holding us from freedom.
I tried not to look,
i really did.
I tried not to look
or think about it,
as she passed by.
" Hey," She smiled,
all for you.

I knew the part she'd played in your life,
and the unsure part she still did,
i guess what came next should've been expected.

That look.

the one i 've felt so many times.
when they leave your presence,

I'm hurt
and tearing
because

It's gone
everything i used to think was too good
our unbelievably perfect friendship
that the world was jealous of
I can't feel it
that mask that made you unbeatable
that made me long for time in your company

Who is this boy?
standing by my side
playing with my hair
this boy i used to love
who turned me into who i am
He's gone
replaced with the reality
of what we are

I'm not feeling weak though
just mad
how could i let myself loose it?

Your upset again
she's pushing you over the ledge
keeps ignoring you
and flirting to every edge
Your replaying your conversations with her
analyzing what you didn't do wrong

I smile along
act all sympathetic at your story
you keep going
tell me how much you want this to work
dig into your heart for deeper places
so she'll accept you again

Then here i am
sitting across the table
holding inside everything
watching you smile
draw on my hand
wondering where we'd be
if she wasn't in the picture

You give me our look
as you pass me in the hall
i don't get it
how she can't appreciate you one bit
You're laughing and singing
making fun of how stupid this is

Then here i am
12pm and we're texting
holding inside everything
you keep apologizing
this is so easy
I'm wondering where we'd be
if she wasn't in the picture

You came to see me
laughing and happy
I know i'd be telling you how i feel
if she weren't three feet over there

Here am i am

I would let my heartbreak
tumble down darkened lane
but i can't
not when you're making me
so damn happy

grin and laugh
float me home

We fit
i can see it
feel it in your eyes
even if you don't want to
even if you can't know

you're teasing
play me another song

and its like
i only know who i am
when i'm with you
your ease and poise
filling in my holes

smile like that again
keep playing with my hair

Which makes things a little bittersweet
now that you're with her

We're laughing and happy
keep playing with my hair
you've got that look again
like i am so much more
than she walks by
she's got your jersy
i know i shouldn't care

Wont you let me go?
Stop smiling
stop leading me on
stop reminding me of what we never had

I don't know what happened
but things've changed
you've lost my heart
i can't keep lying and pretending
that i'm not confused
she's got your caring and time
i'm just lying here bruised

Wont you let me go?
Stop smiling
stop leading me on
Stop reminding me of what we never had

It's 11:30 we're talking on
i can stop tingling, waiting for your call
YOu're all around me every moment
i'm loving you wishing i didn't
or missing you as i move on
I can't fake myself
i want you to be lying beside me

Won't you let me go?
stop smiling
stop leading me on
stop reminding me of what we never had

I guess we've turned bittersweet
it's too late for anything
too soon to forget

Won't you let me go?

It was cold
standing on the front steps
of nowhere
My layers of silk semi-formal dress
brushing the freezing air
against my legs

All i could think about
was how stupid i was
for forgetting it all
For letting you hurt me again
I wanted to cry
sink into the cement sidewalk
devour myself in sadness

Except
i knew it would all be useless
there was no sympathy left
to comfort me
I'd let my wall down
got my hopes up again
torn apart my soul for no one

I'd let go of my good decisions
six weeks of trying to get over you
It was me all along
who couldn't accept our friendship
over and over again
only because i was too good
at remembering more

It was me who was even too weak
now
to admit it
my heart was broken
and for all the wrong reasons

So i'd sank to the frozen ground
my polish-toenails and fancy dress shoes
digging daggers into everything
I wished i could learn a lesson
from all of this
grow
move on

Home.
is faint guitar chords and singing
from my daddy's open bedroom door
pumpkins and old home videos

Home.
is writing, starring out into snow
warmth inside, typing away my insides
pencil to paper, thought to world

Home.
is his hair and hugs
nohing to do with romance
this friendship long-lasting

Home.
is them and that past
the playground, singing
sailboats and playing

Home.
is the simplest moments
sunshine, happiness, water
the newst beginnings starting with
Home.

All i wanted
was a bit of your confidence
your poise and ease
as you sip into the happiness around you
all i wanted was the same feeling
to be with you
now all those hopes are gone
and so are all my hopes for having that confidence
or poise
i wouldve' changed for you
no i'm not sure who to be
or who to change for

Je peux voir toi
voyas moi voir toi
mais tu ne peux pas
sais mon beacoup confusion
de tout le monde tu es
et tout le monde je sens
tu es tout je ne veux jamais
et tout je ne peux pas reste loins de

Held back
Feelings, tears stuck
Deep in my throat, lost along
Hiding from everything because you’re
Not here

Note: completely unrelated, i thought i could practice for english class

You're home
Away from confusion
of who i used to be
Since you left my heart outside, cold
you're home

A hug
from you to me
filling me up with this
hopeful, guarded from every worry
friendship

Stopped
the world of turns
the darkness from descending
the nails digging stress into lives
moment

Tragic
is the Holocaust
bleeding broken children
the lost lives of those without
destroyed
Tragic
is not lonliness
or your unheard longings
wishing for bursting past happiness
perfection

Lets pretend we're meant to be together
so we can forget all those we're without
we'll paint our faces with mistakes
and take a midnight stroll to darkness
wade through these waters of anything similar
Lets pretend these late night conversations mean something
we can wind our way through fantasy
and believe in what never was
not remind ourselves of the distant
Let's find more reason than conveniance
pray on a sunken relationship that wont work
we can cry into eachothers shoulders
like our broken hearts made us stronger
Lets pretend we're meant to be together
we can fortify the walls keepng us apart
we'll paint our fces with mistakes
and take a midnight stroll to happiness

Only late nights can sway her
that ever-ago smell sinking into her lonliness
she can push away the last few weeks
and forget who he's become
turn her life back into
an endless pitt of deadend dreams
brin back his plaid shirts
sweet smiles and accidental compliments
bring back hours of fake happiness
sunshine and bus rides to no where
just so she can have two more minutes
with him in the paradise she made for them
just two more minutes
so she knows she's not alone
even though she is
she pushed him so far away
she cant ever bring him back
for good and she knows it

Pain is
as i fall crashing
letting rejection
i'm only dreading
cripple me
the endless pile
of dissapointment
stacked at my doorstep
thats hurting more
than the stinging
aching
screaming
burn marks stretched
across my finger
that pain
i can understand

She stays up until midnight
tugging on her braids
writing away the worries
she's not sure she has
her party shoes
are hidden in her closet
beneath a pile of dreams
she's scared to try on
she'll stay up until 11:11 again
if it means wishing for him
she could lie awake for hours
starring into the darkness
outside her window
and wondering when she'll
dare to feel it
she pounds music through her ears
so she can't hear the silence
or the emptiness
from all these hollow oppurtunities
thats filling up in her lungs
when she's feeling brave
she'll crack open her window screen
and sit there
watching it all pass by
pretend she's going to jump
right into the happiness
thats waiting for her

as your warm words
of caring
break down my walls
melt away
some ice crystals
burried in a sea of sadness
stab into all the tears
i've cried today
i can smile again
nod my head
pretend
you didn't just wake me
from my depressed state
or knock against my bloody door
i'd almost givin up
on loving
and hoping
but you stopped me

I'm reading it over and over again
trying to find some meaning
in this mess of memories

I can remember all the times
i screamed at you
every late night fighting
flip through the pictures in my head
all the happiness you get out of me

I can say that word
friendship
too many times,
complain about you
and all of everything thats happened

bus rides
shared ipod headphones
sunshine
squeezed hands
all the rest we've been through

the real stuff

i could uncover it again
but it wont make any more sense

I know how your hair feels soft through my fingers
and i know all the acusations we've gotten
i can remember Wal-Mart parking lot
and hotel room showers
just like you
but it doesn't change anything

that your everything i ever wished for
everything that ever dissapointed me
best friends
yes, i'm cautious to say it
in case it will scare you away

it doesn't change
that we broke this wall a long time ago

i can blame you

Two Seconds
one instant
three words
and i made my decision

Now i'm crying
and lying
dying every memory
that included you

don't know if i can
keep these promises
while this all feels wrong
but i'm letting go
no fear

You might have smiled
a million times or more
and made me happier
than sunshine

but how can i ignore
hints like that
i wont wait another day
for you to forget who i am

don't know if i can
keep these promises
while this all feels wrong
but i'm letting go
no fear

I screamed at him
told him i was leaving
laughed i was forgetting
all those days with you

even though
i'm bleeding inside
and tearing apart
who i am

I'm going to try to
keep these promises
even while this all feels wrong
but i'm letting go
no fear

She leans into brick wall. the sharp edges of rust against her skinny back bones not bothering her. She's got hair only described as fire. Curled, straightened and never tamed it hides her delicate skin and experienced ears. Bubble gum is her toy, her entertainment, as who she's waiting for is not coming. She winds it through her teeth, biting on her tongue and popping the ugly pink into her face. If her fingers weren't fast and furious on the wheel of an ipod, and the headphones weren't pumping soul into her so loudly, she might hear the life living around her. The children with lollipops and chatter, laughing by. The elderly couple sitting at a nearby bench and enjoying everything they've already learned of life. She doesn't let it in though, none of the pictures can clean her slate or give her a new beginning. Those dark skinny jeans, and layered shirts, a million bracelets are only her dark shades, keeping any one from seeing into her unhappiness.

I wish
i could describe the last two weeks for you
let you feel this pulse of music
and spin through my timeline of change
I could only hope
for you to feel this happiness
know his words
and wonder at how i fixed myself
euphoria
ephiney
i would use those cliche words
as if my life could be so grand
i'd bring you there
to bright lights and screaming
a million days i'd waited for this hour
seeing her up there
living my dream
i'd only hope these smiles for you
the love of beginnings
and too perfect
my life has finally become
each day lived with fresh
hurtling down this road
just beautiful
with the story i've become
i wish i could describe it to you
scribbled hearts on notebook spirals
converse squeeking on high school hallways
the waiting room
bursting bubbles of freedom
i could only aspire so hugely
that i could show you it all
and paint a picture of this joy

she's hopeless
and getting deeper and
deeper
she knows
What they say
but
She can't
stop thinking
about those gorgeous eyes
nd everytime she touched
him
the smell of enjoyment
So overpowering
she's trying not to write about
it
every night
or flinch when his screenname
drops of her buddy list
She's trying
not to
wish
or everything that wont
happen
or smile when he passes her in the hall
till her daydreams are fast
and furiously intense
winding her through a maze
of happily ever afters
Its just another day
another boy she know she'll
forget
except she keeps remembering
and this " fling" as
Everyone
keeps calling it
has lasted longer than anything
real
she's got memories pilled out her windows
and
A million feelings
she wants to keep
she's trying not to scroll through old text messages

Your my ecsentric lover
i'm closing my eyes
biting down on my lip
and slipping into this lullaby

Your my happiness
as chords slide over my tongue
and drum beats pound my soul
my hearts singing with lyrics

Your my energy
my fingers tapping to sound
my head lulling with words
my toes bouncing to dancing

Your my world
ipod earphones another body part
pushing play one habit
volume knobs for every situation

Your my hope
silence echoing ugly
piano notes and guitar jags perfection
I'm leaning into this melody

Your hidden deap in the brightest
part of my head
where sunshine is shining brilliant

whenever i hear that song
the one that used to make me cry
i can see you
i can see us
whizzing along in the back of the bus
wind tangling hair
and a million hopes circling your words

I'm undecided

Now i can't listen to the song
because it makes me remember those hopes

I curl my toes in my carpet
and i can see everything that has changed

This one summer
that turned my world backwards
and right ways up
i love it all
and i wouldn't change one thing
except to get those hopes back

Your undecided

Bio.
and we're bumping knees
and drawing smileys
on your paper
my heart pounds
as my fingers brush yours
and you smile right into my eyes
but it doesn't pound so hard
it couldn't after
everything it's endured

I can remember seeing you at the beach
i could have drowned in tears
that you didn't talk to me
now i pass you a thousand times in the hallway

The peer's rocky edge descends deep into the water depths of ocean. Salty sea air is thick in everyone's nostrils, as the summer's day turns to twilight. It's just the three of us, flip flops kicked off into the sand. Fingers deep in our own personal sand castles. The rushing waves crashing into our thoughts, is our only sound.
"I think i can see Spain," Jane mumbles in monotone. None of us comment, their isn't even anything clear enough to know if she's being serious enough. the Peace is just too overwhelming to let my gaze wonder for two seconds up the bay to the line of apartment building behind us, and everything we could remember about this summer.
"Do you think we'll ever forget it?" I ask, my tone mimicing Jane's.