Polite Rebel's comments

Good start on this one. I guess by the title that he's going to die and go to hell. I'll buy it, but as a reader my expectations are pretty high, so avoid the cliches at all costs and surprise me! What makes THIS version of hell different? (this is, of course, assuming my prediction is correct...)

The strongest part of this piece is the scene when he gets hit by the car. That's strong because it's the only worthwhile action. The rest is told to me. I'd rather see him interact with people and learn through those interactions all those things you told me.

Remember: show, don't tell.

Try also to make him likeable, if not completely "nice." I'm not sure what he meant when he says "I burn them on everything from their sex life to their children to their weight to whatever else I think of at the time." Especially if he's wearing a Red Sox hat in New York. He's basically asking to be taunted!

Good work though--looking forward to future installments!

Peter

I've never skiied before, not even after living in Maine for three years. Now that you mention it, I can sort of see where you're going with it. Anyway--the way you explained it in your response to my comments is much clearer than in your poem itself. I see what you mean about the Vermont audience, though I wonder if there were Vermonters who were unsure about perspective, even if they knew this was a skiing scene. Everyone's different, though. I tend to want my readers to get at least as much as I want to show them--and then they can, as you said, "enjoy the poem in their own way." Again, great work.

Peter

Simply stated, this poem shows how anger can really mask pain. I like the bitter tone of the last few lines. It's very strong. Since you mentioned "guidance counselor," I'm thinking this relationship exists probably in a high school...so is the person that isn't "paid for that" a teacher? Or is it just a friend? It may not matter or mean this needs a revision, but I was curious.

Good work!

Peter

...William Wordsworth. You and Wordsworth really extend the poetic line to wherever it needs to go. You also do a great job of writing images. Readers love those.

I never quite understood where the speaker was in relation to all the things described, or what those details made the speaker feel. I imagine it was cold, given the words "icebound" and "crystal."

Keep an eye on your spelling. Demensions = dimensions, and some others. Good work otherwise.

Peter

Nicely done here. I think your strongest stanza is the third one. It sounds conversational and the rhymes seem to come naturally--no easy task! I also think the poem has a nice focus. We never forget we're reading about darkness.

What is the name of this form? It looks like terza rima with an extra line in each stanza.

Well done--

Peter

It's still early, you never know what might show up in the mailbox.

Very nice. Your poem reminds me of William Carlos Williams--putting the word "alone" by itself is a good visual representation of your feelings.

Peter

hi misilover--

Great work here. I can really sense the speaker's desperation in the line: "I will be a more productive human being. I promise." It seems like someone has criticized the speaker.

The repetition works well, too--I will not, I will not, I will...It reminded me of Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself," which makes great use of repetitive sentence structure.

I don't understand why "superficial" is on the speaker's list of things to become. Is that what the "you" addressed in the poem wants of the speaker?

Good work,

Peter

Hi Young Writers--

My name's Peter and I'm a student finishing my MFA in creative writing at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. I'll be moving to Burlington in a few months with my future wife. The Young Writer's Project looks awesome and I'd like to be a part of it, mostly by commenting on your work and, if you're interested, working on radio projects and maybe some workshops with you. Geoff has told me wonderful things about you all.

I'll be visiting Vermont the weekend of your conference and will make an effort to be there.

So what can I do for you first? Should I read your blogs and respond?