wtclark's comments

UVM Mentor

Hey Jeff my name is Billy and I am a sophomore at UVM. I just read your poem and I enjoyed it a great deal, its nice to think that summer is just around the corner, especially after a long Vermont winter. You capture the essence of a summer night so well, down to the creaking of the rocking chair on the porch. Your opening lines make me want to be in the exact position you are in, you draw the reader in beautifully with a great selection of details; I especially like the "glass sweating," it puts a great touch on the whole scene. You should add a break though as you transition into talking about the way nature is reacting.

The section beginning with the "mountain tops" is an interesting and different set of ideas. Though it is only three lines, I feel that you could build the anticipation behind this scene even more if you were to further develop the ideas already there. You have all of the seasons represented, from the winter bondage of the mountains, concluding with your basking in the green rocking chair in summer's glory. I think you could add some more to the idea of "winter bondage", for the domineering cold of winter is what makes this scene, at least to me when I experience a summer's night, so rewarding. The night becomes even more perfect when you consider where you have been before, so I'd do further exploring into how winter's bondage affected you, I'm sure you have some memories from winter's darkest days.

As a more general comment, I think it would be great to really establish separate stanzas in your poem. I started to mention this before, as there are already clear sections of ideas in your poem that have natural breaks and beginnings. You could make the choices where exactly, but there appears to me to be an initial section that sets the scene from the opening lines to around the line about the mountain tops. That section then goes to the line starting with "Time seems". And then it might be cool to end the poem with the couplet of "Everything is perfect / Nothing could be better", as that would encapsulate your ideas quite nicely.

This was a really nice read, Jeff, I'm definitely going to make it my goal to have as many nights like this as I can this summer. Keep on writing!

UVM Mentor

Hey Bridget, my name is Billy and I am a sophomore at UVM. I read your poem here and I really liked it a lot, I think you do a fantastic job crafting very deep images in a very short space. I love the opening of your poem, as I think the first few lines are the strongest of your piece, in particular the stanza
"The plastic chairs in the gym used to fit her / in fifth grade but now / her knees stuck up too high", that captures both the physical and psychological growth that you have had during your time in a way that feels quite genuine and identifiable.

Your poem takes a marked change as it continues, becoming far more blatant with your introspective concerns. You have the image of the crumbs in the carpet, which I think is great, but other than that your lines are far more general statements of your concerns and emotions. Your specified images are so poignant and so effective in your poem that I think adding a few more would just add that much more weight to the piece. Perhaps talking about what those halls looked like alone, how the floor was scuffed from the kids running through in sneakers, or perhaps another image you see from your cramped plastic chair. I'd love to read one more image just before your very powerful closing stanza.

I have to say, though, on the whole you have a very strong piece here. You make such great insight into the process of moving on and ending a part of one's life. Keeping writing, Bridget, you've done a great job so far.

UVM Mentor

Hey Allyson, my name is Billy and I am a sophomore at UVM. I really liked your poem, it reminded me a lot of the feelings I had when I graduated, its a really strange yet rewarding event. I find it quite fascinating that you chose to write on your vision of how your own graduation would be two years from now, it'd be fun when you actually got to graduation to look back at this poem and see how your emotions have changed or stayed the same.

I like the style in which you have crafted this piece, I think the enjambment of each line, separating the open idea of each stanza into its own line is very effective. I think you add some more of these stanzas into this poem though, really walk the reader both through the full physical act of graduating and your projected mental state during these actions. Perhaps get into your mindset leading up to graduation, give the reader more insight into why this passage is so bittersweet. You start to explore this in your final stanzas, but I think you could explore your mindset further. What were, or in this context what do you think you will, you thinking in the days leading up to your graduation? What plans for the future are you looking forward to? I know that is a tall task because you haven't yet actually experienced graduating, but I feel as if you already know the emotions you think you will have, so you should just make sure you are expressing them as fully as you can. Still though, your poem definitely does connect with the reader, in particular at this time of year looking back on my own graduation. Keep writing!

UVM Mentor

Hey Dustin, my name is Billy and I am a sophomore at UVM. This poem is really interesting, Dustin. I was immediately taken in by your first stanza, which I think does a great job of introducing both the subject and the construction of the poem. I love the rhyme scheme you use, in particular in the first stanza, for none of the pairings of "yonder" or "wonder" or "wander" truly rhyme, but they sort of build off each other, in particlar the "wonder" and "wander" pair. I like that you keep and develop this rhyming pattern until the last stanza, with the line "Time stops" truly stopping the constructed "time" of the poem. By then picking that up with the succinct and separate line "But the green grass grows on" you drive home the wandering continuity of life.

Your rhyme scheme works so well within the poem, though I do feel in the third stanza it becomes a bit forced. The lines that pair "reason...treason" don't have the same natural strength as either of the preceding stanzas. I understand how that stanza is important to the message of your piece, but in a work like this where the rhyme scheme is so important to both the structural and thematic weight, you need to make sure each rhyme is natural. If your first line of the third stanza were to end with "season's tide" instead of "tide of the season," you would have more options for rhyme, as season is quite a limiting word for rhyme. Other than the "reason...treason" connection, I think your rhyming is polished and highly developed.

You've done some great work in this poem, Dustin, I can completely identify with your sentiment, in particular in the heart of a Vermont winter. I hope my advice was helpful and that you keep on writing.

UVM Mentor

Hey Owen, my name is Billy and I am a sophomore at UVM. You have a good poem here, I like the repetition of the first and last stanzas. You follow a strict metric and rhyming pattern here that I think juxtaposes well with the very abstract message of your poem. Another great juxtaposition of form and theme in your poem is the idea of the "return" of your dream in the first stanza and then the return of the same stanza as the last one, I think that greatly develops your thematic message and goes so well with the title you have chosen.

I think there are a few lines in the middle that you could rework; in the second stanza I love the pairing of "I know it is strange to reminisce / something I should not know about", but I think the first two lines don't do as much to develop the ideas in the poem. You say you "know not how to explain this", but in a sense your poem is explaining "this," with this being the way your brain is working. For me, your first and last stanzas are such interesting and specific statements on your subconscious, whereas your middle two keep it too general and do not add as much further insight as they could. What do you see in your dream? Your third stanza brings up the ideas I'd love to here further explained; how do you perceive what is real and fake? This may be too much to take on in such a short piece and you already have said a good deal, but because of the limitations of your chosen form, I would just make sure that each line is giving as much to the development of your ideas as it can. A cool read though, Owen, keep on writing.

UVM Mentor

Hey Katy, my name is Billy and I'm a sophomore at UVM. I wanted to tell you that I enjoyed reading your poem, I think it has some very strong messages in it. Your opening is extremely effective, as your enjambment on the third line where you isolate "splatter" greatly intensifies not only that initial action but also draws out the contrast with the "empty, white walls" of the next line. The story of the young boy is very interesting and, I think, the strongest section of your entire poem; the lines "shoving pennies into the wall / for every futile wish he made" truly strikes me deeply. I would say, though, that you could tighten the continuity of the piece, for you have such strong isolated images and moments like the two I've mentioned, but their connections could be stronger. Perhaps if you broke up the poem into stanzas, conveying the separation between the sections; you've already started to do this by having them be separate sentences, but possibly breaking them into stanzas would draw out the progression further.

I also think you have more to say on this poem, it feels like there is more in your "years of listening" that you could expand upon. The image of the boy is so good, I feel that if you could craft another one or two of these suppressed stories your poem would gain more depth and the closing line about your gallery could refer to your displaying of more than just one work of art. When you hint to the reader that you have "overpowering thoughts", you should drive home with examples some of these thoughts and stories, conveying through multiple examples how "Artists Never Lie". As it is now though, Katy, it is still quite a striking poem that leaves the reader with ideas to consider. Make sure to keep writing, Katy, I'd love to read more.

UVM Mentor

Dear Anna,
Hi, my name is Billy and I am a sophomore at UVM and a college mentor on the site. I enjoyed reading your piece here on the Shaker Farm, I thought you did a very good job capturing the scene of the farm. I love your opening line, the herbs baking in the sun and drying up act as a great metaphor for the farm as a whole. By opening your poem with such an image, you set up your presentation of the farm with great power. Your images of the animals are fantastic, as each one adds to the general picture of the farm. I will say though, be careful about trying to put too much information in one line. For example in the line "Hot heritage sheep jostle for space in a patch of shade beneath an old squat oak and a heavy horse tired from the plow, stoops to pick a mouthful of grass", having both the image of the sheep and the horse complicates and draws on the line too long. Both images are very effective and well-written; however, when you put them on the same line, both of them lose strength.

This brings up another question I had: what type of writing do you consider this piece to be? It looks initially like a poem, with the separation of two stanzas and the breaking up of the story into lines. However, it read more like a short story, in which case you would not separate each line as its own beginning. Each line in your piece is a complete sentence, which is totally fine, though I would say that if you view this work as poetry, I would split up your lines so that each image gets its own independent line. If you view it as a short story, I would consider turning these stanzas into paragraphs. Either way, the story in and of itself is very entertaining and a great character study of a time far gone. I still would though ask yourself if you view this piece as a poem or a short story, because that will change the way not only you present the piece but also the reader's understanding of the piece. Keep writing, Anna!

Billy

UVM Mentor

Dear Bethany,
Hi, my name is Billy and I'm a sophomore at UVM. I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed your poem, I thought you chose great images to represent green in Vermont. I especially like your section on the "wide pastures", as I think you combine the image of the grass and the cows very effectively, with the concluding image of the "milk creamy as a daydream" being the strongest image in your poem. While the bulk of your images in your poem are great, there are a few I would specify a bit more. The "not-so paved road" and the "tops / Vividly green" I think could be made clearer with more descriptive language. Is the "not-so paved" road dirt, partially paved, worn pavement? Vivid is such a broad term, is the green bright, deep, piercing? Make sure to try and capture as much as you can in your images, and I think in those two instances you can get a bit more.

The other piece of advice I would give is to add space in between the sections of your poem. If you separate your poem into distinct stanzas, I think it would illustrate the contrast between Vermont green and other perceptions of green, in particular if you were to put the final section starting with the line 'Green is Irish luck" as its own stanza, that would just strengthen the transition even more.

I loved reading your poem Bethany, and I hope my advice was helpful. Keep writing!

Billy

UVM Mentor

Dear Jordan,
I came upon your story as I scanned through all of the submissions received, and I after reading the first line I was immediately hooked. You have created a unique and very interesting view of the next world war that I truly find fascinating. Not only are your choices of alliances and motivations for war captivating, but also you go into impressive detail on all of the machines, whether aircrafts, ships, or weaponry, that go into a war. You also present the specific military actions with great clarity, crafting great battle scenes. While you present a great deal of specific characters with names, I feel that you could expand these characters a bit more, giving the reader a little more insight into them. I would love to hear what some of your characters are thinking about within the story, or possibly hear a conversation between some of the commanders. You have the paragraphs of confused dialogue in the middle of the action, which I think is effective in setting the scene of the battle, but I feel that you could add more dialogue where the speaker is identified. It is hard to believe a character is real in a story if the reader is only presented with his name and nothing more. You have already done the hardest part, though, Jordan; you've created a great and gripping setting for your story. Now look to expand your ideas to make the story more well-rounded, starting by giving greater insight into your characters. I can't wait to read the next section though, I really want to see how you choose to end the story.

Hi Leah my name is Billy and I'm a sophomore at UVM. I really enjoyed reading your composition of this winter adventure you had. I thought that your description of that magnificent view was so strong, as you were able to paint the scene for the reader. Having drawn the reader into your mentality of clearly not wanting to be outside, you do a great job reversing the negative characterization you gave your journey in the first paragraph with the beauty of the scene in the second paragraph. I think you could even draw this contrast further if you intensified how little you actually did want to be outside in your first paragraph. You capture the magnificent view so well in your second paragraph and you have definitely done a good job in the first, but if you extended ideas like "the warm fire" you were leaving behind even further; you could talk about the other comforts of your house you had to leave behind, hot cocoa, slippers, etc. Also, be careful with your commas, as you sometimes use them when you either don't need them or you actually need to end the sentence with a period. Don't try and load too many ideas into one sentence, feel free to draw out descriptions over a few sentences. This can definitely be hard to do, in particular when you are retelling a story of your own, but strong grammar will only strengthen your story as a whole. Great work though, Leah, I truly enjoyed the scene that you presented.

Hey Cody my name is Billy and I'm a sophomore at UVM. I read your poem and I loved the way you went about setting and capturing the scene of the goose hunt. I like the short lines of just one word actions, at first the repetition of waiting draws out the scene further while the later "Aiming / Shooting" breaks the wait and quickly intensifies the scene. I do think you could extend that tension of waiting more though at the beginning if you set the scene a bit more. I like the image of just waiting in the grass, but a few added establishing lines characterizing the scene could be beneficial. Also, separating the poem into stanzas would establish the tension and length of waiting. You could add space between the repeating waitings, or isolate the action of sitting up, aiming, shooting, into its own stanza. You've very successfully captured a scene of great anticipation, tension, and action here, Cody, and thats a great accomplishment.

Billy Clark

Hey Miranda, my name is Billy and I'm a sophomore at the University of Vermont. I just read your poem and I think it is great, I love the message of it. The image of the wayward child is very effective in what you are trying to say with the poem. I like the voice that the narrator takes on in the poem, as the reader feels the assertive yet comforting tone of the speaker and the fragility of the child. If I were to give you one piece of advice for the poem, I would try to stick to a stronger meter pattern in the poem, for you follow a pattern in rhyme and a general meter but if you could keep the lines to roughly the same length it would make the message of the poem even stronger. Each line is its own related piece of advice or rule to live by, so if you were able to set up a pattern for line length it would connect these lines even more. Still though, its a refreshingly hopeful and kind piece that I thoroughly enjoyed reading. Keep on writing!

Billy Clark