smcmentor's comments

Saint Michael's College mentor: Wow, I really like this story because of all the detail you include! I think you did a good job creating a complete picture, so the reader feels like he or she is there. Maybe you could even add more detail when you are talking about working at the hospital or going back to the base since these two areas are a little less descriptive than the others. Good job!

Saint Michael's College mentor: I really like you description of your superpower because you go into detail and talk about all the different ways that reading minds could be helpful and fun. Maybe you could try varying your sentence structure, though, since you begin several of your sentences and phrases with the word "I".

Saint Michael's College mentor: What a cool superpower! I'd love to be able to make food appear out of nowhere! The fact that you took a different approach to this topic is refreshing! You might want to work on punctuation and dividing your sentences more clearly. Also, I would try to get rid of the "I guess" phrases, since they make you seem a little non-committal towards your superpower.

Saint Michael's College mentor: Wow! You definitely sound ambitious! I think you did a good job talking about all the different things you would do if you had superpowers. Maybe you could even expand on these even more: how would you save the world from war, for example?

You did a great job here with displaying the powers in the poem. Great job with the rhyming as well!

I think for next time, maybe try to make sure you stay within a certain form. Maybe break the poem up into stanzas or keep it AA,BB,CC...ext. I noticed you went AA,BB,CC,DD,EEE,FF. Also, try some imagery. I think it would add a great feeling to the poem. Things like... "My eyes see the moon;/ It spells impending doom" or something. I'm not as good as you though!

Keep up the awesome work!

This is a great poem. I think it's very interesting, and it provokes a ton of questions for me. You really have me wondering about the background... what are the powers? Where did they come from?

I think one thing to work on would be increasing the flow. The poem reads as a bit jumpy, but maybe making some transitions in there would help how the poem moves?

Great work!! Keep it up. :)

Saint Michael's College mentor:

I like that you put dialogue in the story to make the reader feel more involved. I also like the whole mystical setting of the story!

I would suggest that you talk about the conversation between Mrs. Henderson and Rebecca. I'm curious about why Rebecca was worried that Mrs. Henderson wouldn't forgive her. What did she do? How did Mrs. Henderson react when she saw the spirit of Rebecca? What was said that fixed everything so that Rebecca can go in peace? Just expand and draw the reader in even more!

Saint Michael's College mentor:

I really like the details that you have in your writing! I feel like I am actually at the game witnessing the event. You use good word choice.

For improvement, I would suggest adding something about what actually happened to the girl. Did she break her ankle? You also said that the look on the trainer's face was what made the girl realize that she was not just going back to the bench to ice her ankle. What was it about the trainer's face or did the girl know there was a serious problem before the trainer even looked at her?

Saint Michael's College mentor:

Teera:
I liked the first two lines of this, especially in combination with the title. Very catlike. After that, though, I didn't see the alley cat in the poem--it seemed to shift. I think you may have gotten caught in the concept of rhyming couplets. I wonder what would happen if you let go of that and just tried to write in the voice of the alley cat who believes it has super powers? It might be interesting.

Saint Michael's College mentor:
Kate:
I know you submitted this poem long ago, but still I think it is worthy of comment.

This is a perfect haiku, both in form and substance. Its simplicity matches the form, and the image is just the kind of image that the haiku was invented for, both natural and metaphoric.

Nice work! I can't say how I would improve it.

Saint Michael's College mentor:
Caitlin, I love the humor in this poem--there's something about those last two lines that just tickled me. It captures that feeling of "haha, I'm flying and you're not."

Of course, in another way this poem says something about our desire to escape the mundane world "below" and just be free, which is quite serious.

Thanks for sharing it. I would love to read more stanzas developing the idea further.

Saint Michael's College mentor:

Very nice poem you have here. I really like how positive it is and how you take the image of a child playing make-believe and give him actual super-qualities. The only thing I was unsure of was your use of commas at the end of most of the lines. However, they didn't interfere with my being able to read the poem, it's just something you could consider changing. Overall, nice job.

Saint Michael's College mentor:

Nice haiku, it certainly sums up what it means to be a classic superhero. The only change that you might want to make involves your second line. It has eight syllables instead of seven, which is the traditional number a haiku has. Other than that, good job.

I like the honesty with which you recount these events. It isn't easy to know what people expect of you, and it's often easy to think you're not living up to people's expectations. I could feel the frustration in your piece.

I think it's best to keep in mind that you're your own worst critic, and also that little things can really make a difference; you don't have to be working daily miracles to be a good role model. For example, you can set a good example with your attitude, something that can be really contagious in a middle school setting, and can end up impacting a lot of people and events in a positive way. So you had one bad day? Well, if you can shrug it off and look forward to making the most of the days ahead, people will notice this and will look up to you. Hopefully this alleviated some of your frustration, and you can think about your topic in new ways. Great job!

Not that I know a lot about how reggae is supposed to sound, but I could really hear your lyrics flowing in my head, and it was very pleasing, or you might say soothing to let the rhymes flow along. I think there is also a tone of "carefree-ness" in your piece, and I think it fits the reggae theme well.

One thing I was wondering is whether in the 4th line of your first stanza you meant "...down to funky town," or whether you wanted it as "down but funky town." Obviously, the first form has a more obvious meaning, but if you wrote the way you meant, then by all means keep it that way, and leave it to non-reggae-inclined folks like me to figure out what you meant!