Get the Anthology!

YWP has just published an Anthology with great student work. Support them and YWP! To order a copy, send $17.50 (includes postage) to: YWP / 69 Swift St., #300 / S. Burlington, VT 05403 Order form/invoice, CLICK HERE. Questions? 860-0570 --gg
Videos, sound and info on Anthology Release Celebration.

Prompt responses due Friday

14. Procrastination. If you had more time, you’d be able to put it off longer. What do you put off to the last moment? Why? Tell a story about how you just barely got something done in time – or didn’t.
Alternate: Splat! Use that word in a story or a poem.

Click here for more info about submitting to our weekly Newspaper Series.

For a moment

Submitted by greenlemon on March 19, 2008 - 18:16.

I never knew
that here
a place so near
to there

The fog
hangs
in
silence

surrounding me
and gliding over my skin

leaving tiny beads of moisture
clinging for their life
for if they fall
they will lose their individuality
and join the puddle below my feet

a deep breath
really is
a breath of fresh air
not
an air freshener
of just chemicals

and for a moment
I forget
that I'm
in the middle of
New York City

any ideas?

Submitted by greenlemon on March 19, 2008 - 19:08.

I feel like I need to add something to this... any ideas?

offreadin's picture

I think you have a complete

Submitted by offreadin on March 19, 2008 - 19:16.

I think you have a complete idea here.
My only suggestion would be maybe to hint earlier that you are in NYC. I like how in the 2nd to last paragraph you hint that "not all is as it appears to be". I like how it ends, I wouldn't change that. Very vivid images. ^_^

how about...

Submitted by greenlemon on March 19, 2008 - 19:44.

maybe kind of like that? there's my attempt...

georgia_peachy's picture

maybe...

Submitted by georgia_peachy on March 19, 2008 - 19:19.

it's really great--it makes you want to read it over and over and when you do it gets deeper and deeper. i think this is one of those things that if you add more stuff it ruins it, so i would leave it. however, one thing that might be kind of cool is talking about the sky. but then again, there are skyscrapers, so maybe you can talk about the sky towards the end and then be like

The fog obscures my vision
of what is up
then a tiny square of blue breaks through
reflected off the tall metal
where my eyes are drawn

and until then
I forget
that I'm
in the middle of
New York City

something like that, maybe

thanks, i love that idea...

Submitted by greenlemon on March 19, 2008 - 19:28.

thanks! I love that idea, but I was kind of thinking it might be in Central Park or maybe the zoo early in the morning... I really love those lines and maybe I'll write another piece about NYC, maybe taking place early in the morning? I love the 'until then' part...

georgia_peachy's picture

yeah, you could do a bunch

Submitted by georgia_peachy on March 19, 2008 - 19:31.

yeah, you could do a bunch of this kind of thing in different places all over new york because theres so many different types of places there!!! hahaha. i like the new beginning its kind of foreshadowing

I agree...

Submitted by greenlemon on March 19, 2008 - 19:34.

I agree...I love the quieter parts of New York, not so much bright lights and Times Square, though I like it there too!

mixedmusic333's picture

Fabulous imagery. Georiga

Submitted by mixedmusic333 on March 19, 2008 - 20:07.

Fabulous imagery.
Georiga and
offreadin have already
mentioned what I
would've said.

Mentors

To read feedback YWP college mentors' comments on entries to the Newspaper Series, click on names below. To read all entries that have feedback, click here. You must be logged in.
To read about mentors, click here.