The Leaf
Submitted by kmcgowan on March 31, 2008 - 10:01.
The Leaf
By Kalin McGowan
Lyme Elementary School, Grade 7
The leaf swirls around
Happy
Sauntering by the tree
Waving.
The leaf is free
To do whatever it wants
Like a child free from its parents
It’s delighted
Cruising around.
The leaf dances
A form of ballet
Now gymnastics
Flips and sommersaults
Cartwheels
Handstands
Headstands
Back rolls
Free, free at last.
Then the winds dies down
And the leaf abruptly stops
In midair
Then it slowly falls
D
O
W
N
To the ground
Just lying in the sun
Tanning
Then no more ballet or gymnastics or fun
That is all gone
The leaf misses the tree
Its parent
The leaf is lonely
Sitting on the ground
Shivering
And starts to cry.
wow
This piece give the imagination a lot of free play. I've never really stopped and watched a leaf fall before. The more I think about the more I can see the leaf doing exactly what your poem has so vividly described. This poem grabed my atention and I really liked reading it.
UVM Mentor Comment
Kalin--
I agree with the person who posted before me: this poem is really well written! Your choice of language and description of the leaf at play really do produce a very vivid image. Fall is my favorite season, especially in Vermont, and your poem got me really excited for my last Vermont autumn just a few months from now. I especially liked the "D O W N" part, and the lines about ballet. I just think this poem is great.
I'd suggest a couple of things: the first is that I'd try playing around with it and seeing where you can create different stanzas. The space between every line makes the piece very separate; I think it would be cool to see what kind of sections you could put together, like the part about the leaf as a child and the part about all the physical activities the leaf has been doing. I also think that if you eliminated the space between each line, it would make the
"D O W N" section stand out a lot more (I thought that part was really cool, so I'd want to draw emphasis to it).
The second thing I would suggest is adding some more punctuation. You have a lot of long sections between where you use periods, and I think it would be helpful to add some commas or semi-colons or whatever you feel is appropriate, so the reader doesn't get lost in those long sentences. I think it will help to break it up a little more and let people focus more on each part of what you're saying. Give it a try and see if you like the way it feels with stanzas or punctuation or both.
Best,
Tressie
UVM Mentor