Summer Night
Submitted by Jeff Bak on April 20, 2008 - 20:56.
Summer Night
By Jeff Bak
Green Mountain Valley School, Grade 12
Warm air envelopes the body
Everyone anxious for the rare gem
of a cool breeze
Sweet, icy drink in hand
Glass sweating profusely with condensation
The chorus of crickets and frogs
Play their never-ending tune of elevator music
The night is filled with sighs
Everything is finally content
The mountain tops are free from winter bondage
The rivers no longer gushing with spring waters
The ground not yet dreading the fall's frost
I sit on the creaky, green rocker
Adding to the chorus
Time seems to take a break from ticking
No need to end this perfect night
My eyelids begin to droop like the wilting garden next door
Everything is perfect
Nothing could be better
UVM Mentor Hey Jeff my name
UVM Mentor
Hey Jeff my name is Billy and I am a sophomore at UVM. I just read your poem and I enjoyed it a great deal, its nice to think that summer is just around the corner, especially after a long Vermont winter. You capture the essence of a summer night so well, down to the creaking of the rocking chair on the porch. Your opening lines make me want to be in the exact position you are in, you draw the reader in beautifully with a great selection of details; I especially like the "glass sweating," it puts a great touch on the whole scene. You should add a break though as you transition into talking about the way nature is reacting.
The section beginning with the "mountain tops" is an interesting and different set of ideas. Though it is only three lines, I feel that you could build the anticipation behind this scene even more if you were to further develop the ideas already there. You have all of the seasons represented, from the winter bondage of the mountains, concluding with your basking in the green rocking chair in summer's glory. I think you could add some more to the idea of "winter bondage", for the domineering cold of winter is what makes this scene, at least to me when I experience a summer's night, so rewarding. The night becomes even more perfect when you consider where you have been before, so I'd do further exploring into how winter's bondage affected you, I'm sure you have some memories from winter's darkest days.
As a more general comment, I think it would be great to really establish separate stanzas in your poem. I started to mention this before, as there are already clear sections of ideas in your poem that have natural breaks and beginnings. You could make the choices where exactly, but there appears to me to be an initial section that sets the scene from the opening lines to around the line about the mountain tops. That section then goes to the line starting with "Time seems". And then it might be cool to end the poem with the couplet of "Everything is perfect / Nothing could be better", as that would encapsulate your ideas quite nicely.
This was a really nice read, Jeff, I'm definitely going to make it my goal to have as many nights like this as I can this summer. Keep on writing!