A Jumbled Classroom
I breathed in the wispy smell of egg-white Crayola chalk,
smeared in scribbled streaks across the forest-green board.
I silently scrutinized the dead tree carved into a rectangular desk,
chaotically cluttered and stained in a mahogany hue, in an attempt at design.
As the water cascades down the falls in Niagara,
the desk flooded over in a muddle of junk.
A whirlwind of papers formed gigantic mountains,
which I believed no professor could ever sort through.
The detached attitude of the professor,
clearly revealed itself in his upkeep of the space.
I sensed that the spark in his spirit had long been forgotten,
tossed aside like a broken jack-in-the-box.
CRACK! The teapot sitting on his desk,
fell to the ground in an angry protest about its untidy surroundings.
The professor seemed alarmed at its sudden departure,
only then realizing the unworldly nature of the atmosphere he so drudgingly entered each day.
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This is a rough draft of a
This is a rough draft of a poem I'm writing for school, which I will then officially submit to YWP. The assignment was to create a poem no longer than 1 page and no less than 50 words long (mine's 151 words long). The topic is completely open but we have to use figurative language and vibrant, descriptive words.
I'm open to all comments, suggestions, criticism, etc. I want to make it the best poem I can.
Thanks for reading,
GLAZ
It's definitely descriptive.
It's definitely descriptive. I'm not sure quite how to say it or how to correct it, but you've done what a lot of people tend to do (what I tend to do, too) and you've become bogged down in description. I like the ending, but by the time I get there I feel tired of the descripition. I know that it was the assignment, but perhaps try thinning it to a few quality descriptions instead of a billion little ones. Try to make it the same tone as the third stanza. That one was very clear and simple and carried a good image.
Thank you very much. I will
Thank you very much. I will try to make your corrections. :)
yeah it is definitely
yeah it is definitely descriptive. really awesome. like greenie said, I think you should take off a little of the description. but otherwise it is really awesome!!!
"We are the leaders that we have been waiting for"- Mahatma Gandhi
Thanks so much for reading
Thanks so much for reading it. I am continuing to work on it. I want to thin out the descriptions without eliminating them all together.
I'll probably post an edited version in a couple of days.
I posted the edited version.
I posted the edited version. It's called "Lost in Translation" instead of a "A Jumbled Classroom." Hope you enjoy.