Hands
I watched your hands and
they were young
and mine were old.
I watched your hands click your pencil
and write a
word
that wasn't meant for me.
But I took it.
I took all that you gave me and you shook my hand.
You knew what it was
and maybe you thought I did
and maybe I was
asking for too much
and maybe I wouldn't have shook it
if it wasn't a hand stamped with
"just friends."
My hands were there
that day.
They touched your shirt and
not your shoulders.
Your hands touched my shirt
and not my waist.
But I took it
I knew I had to.
I looked at your hand
little bits of cut up light
from the DJ
flew across it and
I shook it and it was over
but I thought it wasn't.
I watched your hand grab mine and
I watched you run away
with it
and I followed.
And after you dropped my hand and I wished
you wouldn't and
I didn't know how to thank you and
I never did
and your hands were never
going to say
"you're welcome."
What was standing in the way of a million
clicking pencils and
grabbing hands and
words that meant nothing
and everything
was a handshake.
You held out your hand
and I took it.
- emotive.eleven's blog
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just to clarify....
Where it says "My hands were there that day"..... I'm referring to a slow dance.... That might have given the wrong impression but it was just a slow dance.
-emotive.eleven
Hey there-- I'm Jeff, I'm a
Hey there-- I'm Jeff, I'm a UVM mentor.
I think this piece demonstrates a pretty good understanding of how theme functions in a piece, as well as some really striking images (I especially like the image of "little bits of cut up light"-- original and accurate, takes my right back to the dance floor). It's interesting that you chose to include a clarification below your piece about your reference to a slow dance, as this image of cut up light and the suggestion of the DJ seem to make that clear to me. I understand your impulse to clarify (and it's certainly your right to do so), but I'd encourage you to think about the things you like to watch, read, and listen to: isn't one of the most rewarding parts of watching a show or listening to a song trying to figure out the puzzle? Have confidence in your ability to convey your meaning-- you did a good job of conveying that image in this piece, and in the future readers will appreciate your intuitive ability to show rather than tell!
I'm looking for places where you might be able to push the piece, and a few possibilities come to mind. To some, it may seem like the piece rambles a bit toward the middle, though I like the way that all of the "ands" rhythmically capture the breathless feeling associated with the poem. I guess my biggest question is about the hands themselves. What do they look like? So much is made of the hands in this piece, and yet I know little about them-- calloused, dirty, small, large, hairy, sweaty? I don't think it's necessarily "necessary" to add such images if that's against your instinct, but it could bring the piece into sharper focus. Specific images (like the image of the cut up light) can really pull a reader in!
Good luck as you keep writing!