Simple
Sitting across the table from my younger brother, a tear drips quietly into the frozen dinner in front of me. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm angry. I push the wide spaghetti noodles around in the bottom of the black, plastic bin. They look like white flatworms writhing in vaguely red vomit. I feel a bubble in my throat begin to rise and I choke it down. I sniffle. The boy looks up.
"Is it ok? I'll trade with you if you don't like it."
Oh, my sweet, sweet boy, if it were only that simple.
I roll my eyes in mock disgust, pulling back the tears racing to pour down my cheeks. "Yes, it's COMPLETELY disgusting." I take a small bite.
I'll regret it later.
I push the noodles around in the bottom of the bin obsessively, making sure no two noodles touch and none of them are obscured my sauce. I bite my lip, then put down my fork defiantly.
I look at the boy. He finished about five minutes ago. He's watching my charade, mystified.
"You should eat more."
I tell him I'm not hungry and that he should go to do his homework.
He leaves.
I clear the table.
He pokes his head around the corner of the living room door, after hearing the dish washer swing shut.
"Don't be sad. It's all gonna be ok"
I try to smile at him, lifting the corner of my mouth up so it seems more like a grimace than anything else. I tell him I have to pee.
He ducks back around the corner and I slink into the bathroom.
I turn the water on.
And I cry.
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I don't really know what to say
You described everything so well, in such little detail, I'm amazed. I've read all your other pieces, but I actually think this is the best one, and I don't have any advice (sorry) because I don't think there's really anything you can change.
When I read this, the first
When I read this, the first thing I think about the girl in the poem is
strength.
:)snowstars
Wow
OK, so I'm totally hooked by this. Can you please please please continue?
Where is this story going?
Obviously you have to get to the back story. The trick is going to be to tease me a bit...don't dump it on me all at once. And if you can tell me the back story in pieces as you move forward, you can raise the tension....And what are the protaganist and her brother headed towards? You say tired, scared and angry...hmmm that's the emotions of some major conflict and problems here.
One minor pick, the word "bin" not sure that's what you want there.
Anyway, go after it.
gg
GG
I'm not sure where I want to go with this, and, like most my pieces, its a rather spur of the moment thing... also: boundaries of the site... I know where this is headed, its a matter of subject matter or violation of subject boundaries. we've discussed this at other points and I'm not sure how to write it without it being extreme first, then being toned down. Plus, with emotions running high around here anyway, the last thing I need is to violate an unspoken code of what goes on here.
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"As a child I used to think that 'Anon' was a Greek philosopher, when told otherwise, I lost my first real hero."