That closet sounds so much like someone whispering
One day
a student strode along
like always
squinting because she
didn't have her glasses.
The hallway was empty
and so was her
mind but she had a
sneaking suspicion the
storage closet at
the end of the language
wing wasn't.
She passed it
three times and was
sure she heard
noises and so being
foolish she gripped the handle
and pulled backward
with one hundred fifteen
pounds and a few over-sized
textbooks.
The door never opened
and it still hasn't.
The sounds never stopped
and they still don't.
That closet sounds so much
like someone whispering
that the student can't
ever tell if they want to
come out or not.
Somehow this struck her as ironic.
And she didn't quite know
what to do in terms
of the closet at the end
of the language wing so
she thought she'd maybe write a poem about it.
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this one is a little dicey ,
this one is a little dicey , im not sure if i interpreted it right, but i really like it.
what did you mean by "and pulled backward
with one hundred fifteen
pounds and a few over sized
textbooks." i get it after i re read it but i think you should make it a little clearer. cause some of us aren't entirely awake
I love this...
I really do. Vivid. I can picture so much of it. Feel it, too.
I don't know what to make of the ending. I liked it at first but then didn't like it and then it grew on me. The effect of it is that it takes me, the reader, immediately out of the scene and onto the page, the present. What that does, of course, is make me immediately think that it was real, is real; which is cool. But then I wanted to be back in the hall, I wanted to be where the character was. And then, of course, I realized the character was the narrator and, well, it grew on me.
Does this make any sense.
Not sure what I can tell you to improve, though. But because I was an editor for so many years, here's one really really important point from a weighty editor, or a weighty comment form an editor... over-sized needs a hyphen.
cheers
gg
last line...
yes, actually, I think I would be less hot cold about it... but where are you going to go with it? Don't get yourself into a loop!
cheers
gg
Last Line
Actually I have no idea where I want to go with it; I just wrote it out once and then that was sort of the end. I'll poke around, I think, and try to find more direction before I keep adding new bits.
Thanks,
MM
Fixed!
Thanks GG! The error has been attended to.
In terms of the last line, would it be less of a hot-cold reaction if the rest of the poem/story was longer?
awesome! seriously! when
awesome! seriously! when are you leaving next weekend?