Didn't Take Long

Listening to Baba O’Riley
to keep that bitter too-warm feeling
from sinking into
my manipulative mind.
I’m a bitch, and I’m
cruel and I don’t know
which is worse—
if I didn’t mean it or if
I did. Both. I’m feeling
both. I’m
confused,
not Confusion--or
maybe, or something
similar.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
Everything got way too complicated
and I can’t rely on what
I know I should do because
I have no clue what that is.
That’s the problem.
Usually birthdays don’t
make me feel any different
but this year—
this year everything changed.
Or maybe things tried to go back to
how they were a year ago
but too much has happened since then.

My moral compass stopped working
ages ago
and I abandoned it by a dirt road,
just another
useless gleam of litter in the trees.
I’m trying to figure out
what I’m feeling but
it keeps changing too
and I’ve given up on that compass pointing
North—
I’ll settle for the needle
staying anywhere at all.
I’m cruel and this power
this power that I have now
is hurting
too many people
is hurting
me.
Please, can somebody tell me
what to do?
I’m lost in the woods
woods of Vermont this time and I’m
confused
and I’m getting the distinct feeling
that I took a wrong turn recently
but I don’t know where.
I’m a bitch and I can’t stop to
figure things out
‘cause it’s all going too fast
and I’m just trying to keep my balance
and I’m failing at that too.
Oh, and
by the way,
Usagi's back.