Due this week

General Writing. Send in your best work – poems, short stories, essays. (Feel free to do it throughout the year, but this gives you a deadline.)
Deadline: Oct. 10.

To submit to Newspaper Series

  • Log in. (Click "Not a YWP member?" to create an account.)

  • Click "create content" and create an ENTRY
  • Fill out "title," "author name, school & grade" and "prompt" boxes.
  • Paste story into "body."
  • Click "Submit." You are done.
    NOTES: Your account email must be accurate; a "blog" entry must be resubmitted as an ENTRY to be considered.

The world in her hands

Schila's picture
Submitted by Schila on July 5, 2008 - 19:16.

Such a happy girl
with the stars in her eyes,
and green, lush mountains for her skin.
a silver lake, a great big moon,
and a clear blue sky,
for her heart.

She has the world,
in the small of her hands,
sheltered from the rain,
and the wind.
But don't be smug,
cause one bad move,
is all it takes
to make her mad.

She met a guy,
the age of 16,
so pretty,
handsome,
and tall.

Schila's picture

i have to change the title and add

Submitted by Schila on July 5, 2008 - 19:17.

some more.. do any of yo have suggestions for the don't be smug line to get her mad bit? It dosen't really flow?
________________________________________________________________________
Credula vitam spes fovet et melius cras fore semper dicit - Credulous hope supports our life, and always says that tomorrow will be better. (Tibullus)

gradster1's picture

Suggestion

Submitted by gradster1 on July 5, 2008 - 20:45.

But don't be smug -
One small ripple in
The calm pond that is her patience
Is all it takes
To get her mad.

My input - I'm not really sure what you're looking for, though, so take it or leave it as you will.

/gradster(1)/

http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/

Schila's picture

that is awesome!

Submitted by Schila on July 6, 2008 - 18:40.

I'm gonna add that in right now! Thanks a lot! BTW... What does the link go to under your signature?
________________________________________________________________________
Credula vitam spes fovet et melius cras fore semper dicit - Credulous hope supports our life, and always says that tomorrow will be better. (Tibullus)

gradster1's picture

*sigh*

Submitted by gradster1 on July 6, 2008 - 20:46.

My blog - currently in a state of panic, as it has no new content to speak of. I'm wondering whether I should post my writing there, or what I even should post there.

It is sad because it is such a good idea, but it isn't good because I didn't put much into it.

/gradster(1)/

http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/

NonSequitur's picture

You could post your writing

Submitted by NonSequitur on July 9, 2008 - 19:10.

You could post your writing on it as well as on here, and get twice as much feedback.
___________________________________
"It's either broken or it's French."

offreadin's picture

<}}}><

Submitted by offreadin on July 6, 2008 - 21:00.

About that section, It seems a bit odd that you've been talking in straight third person, and suddenly you involve the audience, with an order, "Don't". Would it work better if you have a anonymous "someone" rather than the implied "you"?

My other caution would be to not get too much into trite language. It's okay in small doses but if used too much, it can make a piece sound clichéd.

I like the imagery in this piece, and I found it very neat how you compared the girl to nature. I hope you can think of more to add to this. Maybe put this down for a while and come back to this? Or sleep on it? It will probably come when you least expect it. I hope you'll have a pen and paper handy! Good Luck!

Schila's picture

thanks for the suggestions!

Submitted by Schila on July 9, 2008 - 19:08.

yes! i will switch the section.. at least i will try.. so you have a direct word that i can put in there instead of the don't to fix that??
________________________________________________________________________
Credula vitam spes fovet et melius cras fore semper dicit - Credulous hope supports our life, and always says that tomorrow will be better. (Tibullus)

gradster1's picture

Suggestions

Submitted by gradster1 on July 9, 2008 - 19:33.

You could take out that phrase entirely - "But one small ripple in the calm pond that...."

I think it's fine with the command, though, because it is speaking to someone, and that someone is now being given a command. I say leave it - I don't know what offreadin's problem is with it.

If you want to see what I mean, just put quotes around the whole thing and a "She" in front of it. It's just like someone describing another person to the reader.

/gradster(1)/

http://nmhwu.wordpress.com/

Schila's picture

Oh Yah!

Submitted by Schila on July 11, 2008 - 07:53.

OK now i get it! Right so i am talking in 3rd person... I will try to see if i can find a way to work both of your suggestions into my song... thanks offreadin and gradster1!
________________________________________________________________________
Credula vitam spes fovet et melius cras fore semper dicit - Credulous hope supports our life, and always says that tomorrow will be better. (Tibullus)

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