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No Color At All

Poet_Jessica's picture

She lived in a shack
No windows
No chips
No texture at all.
She liked to wear black
No stripes
No dots
No color at all.
She didn't like people
Not girls
Not boys
No people at all.
She kept her door locked
No company
No friends
No people at all.
The town stayed away,
Were scared of her land
So they let her live
She let them stand.
So the town
Gathered 'round
When the door unlocked
She stepped out to the crowd
To play her punk rock
Then died on curb
The crowd was in shock.
But she left them a note
That was stuffed in her sock
She said she was disappointed
They never once even tried
They avoided her often
And that's why she died.
She'd always wanted friends
A boy or
A girl.
One telephone call,
Just one friend,
That's all.
But that was the problem:
She wasn't ready at all
She didn't have anyone
To support her fall.
Sometimes she surrendered
And even when she tried
She couldn't get herself back
And that's why she died.

Poet_Jessica's picture

sorry this is so poorly

Submitted by Poet_Jessica on August 29, 2008 - 17:59.

sorry this is so poorly written. i had a brilliant idea for a poem, then it sort of fell apart. any critiquing?
__________________________
"Fall down again Bella?"
"No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."

Geist's picture

Actually, I like the

Submitted by Geist on August 29, 2008 - 18:02.

Actually, I like the rhythym, and the story is quite powerful. It's just that sometimes you switch from your four-line verse into three- and six-line, which breaks the flow for me.

It's definitely a great start, though. The simplicity draws you in.

Special's picture

Not poor! i like it, just

Submitted by Special on August 29, 2008 - 18:07.

Not poor! i like it, just the part that changes pace could be swifter or more fluid. Also watch the rhymes for fear of growing cheesey.

wonderful thought!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I've decided that as long as I was going to Hell,
I might as well do it thoroughly."
-Edward Cullen, Twilight

Poet_Jessica's picture

thanks

Submitted by Poet_Jessica on August 29, 2008 - 18:11.

whoa. a comment from Geist AND Special! i am honored.

yeah it is sort of choppy. i am trying to figure out how to smooth it out. i have yet to stumble upon the magic phrase that will tie it all together.
__________________________
"Fall down again Bella?"
"No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."

Special's picture

you're welcome

Submitted by Special on August 29, 2008 - 18:11.

You should feel Special!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I've decided that as long as I was going to Hell,
I might as well do it thoroughly."
-Edward Cullen, Twilight

Poet_Jessica's picture

:)

Submitted by Poet_Jessica on August 29, 2008 - 18:12.

teehee i do now
__________________________
"Fall down again Bella?"
"No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."

Geist's picture

It's an honor to critique

Submitted by Geist on August 29, 2008 - 22:24.

It's an honor to critique work of the most talented writing minds of Vermont's youth.

Think about the main theme- emptiness? Loneliness? Sociophobia? That may help bring up a good tie-together.

Poet_Jessica's picture

Thanks.... I'll try to

Submitted by Poet_Jessica on August 30, 2008 - 12:05.

Thanks.... I'll try to figure it out.
__________________________
"Fall down again Bella?"
"No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."

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