Surrender
Submitted by L.Merritt on September 3, 2008 - 16:21.
As seven hundred spruce trees burst into flames
she can’t stop staring.
A sea of bright
smells satisfactory like single-handed success.
Slowly growing
with such grace and precision.
Swallowed by
sparkling shades of sapphire.
Stars start to shine in the sky overhead
surrounded by spiraling smoke.
Small animal shelters soon disappear,
consumed by nature’s sin.
A splendid sight of a site
sought by someone searching for simplified beauty.
Great use of alliteration!
I love the use of alliteration, the use of the s sound in almost every word. You really capture how mesmerizing the sight of a fire is. Even though it is so destructive, it is hard to look away. The descriptions you use really show your reader how beautiful the fire is yet how powerful it is at the same time.
The second line is a little awkward for me as a reader. A suggestion may be
"A sea of bright smells
smolders like single-handed success"
When I read the piece out loud, it is the only line that doesn't seem to flow like the rest. Also remember that alliteration doesn't have to have s in every word, but the s sound. If you get stuck looking for words you can always use words that start with the letter c that have the s sound. (like cease, circus, circumvent, census)or even the letter z (mesmerizing)
I also like how you don't limit the s sound to the beginning of the word, but use it from within words such as "grace" and "precision". The thought that you put into this really shows! Great job!
Nice Job
You did a really nice job. I espeicaly like the opening line "as seven hundred spruce treese burst into flames" It painted a clear picture in my mind.
The only thing that I found a bit distracting was the last two lines. You had a lot of words that started with s and it seemed a bit more like a tongue twister.
I really enjoyed your poem and thought that you had some great detail through out. Nice job. Hope I was helpful