I am Sorry
Submitted by PoeticSomeone on December 3, 2008 - 20:28.
Her lifeless eyes hacked into my half dead soul
Screaming to me to just listen
Her mouth downturned, ripped apart my days, my life
Realization, that my heavy weight is crushing some
Her words they slipped into my mind, a minute spot awaited
Filled to the brim with all I couldn't change
My fingers groveled towards the edge
My life, my head, spins, spins for the wind is adrift
Her words, worried conserned, she's not a single alone
Her words repetative to all I know
Just stay to watch me fall , I need you to catch my bones
Cus' I'm not going to be awake for your ending speach.
- PoeticSomeone's blog
- Login or register to post comments
Pretty dark...
Poetic,
This is a pretty dark poem and I hope that it does not reflect your outlook, but just a momentary jag....
It has power and drama. Thanks for sharing it. A few suggestions on making it even better: First, spelling; I realize I don't have spell check on this site, but you should perhaps use the Firefox browser which puts a little red squiggle under all the words it doesn't recognize and are, often, misspelled; and then look them up in a dictionary. Spelling IS important as a last step because that helps the reader and gives your work better flow.
Second, you've got a short poem in which you have two characters -- the narrator and "her" but it's hard for me to visualize either. Who is "her"? I would also argue with your use of the word "lifeless" given that in the second line you have her "screaming."
Hope this helps. And hope you are feeling OK.
gg
wow that is very deep and
wow that is very deep and kinda kreepy but like a good kinda kreepy .it like yourself died but throught a friend which is a cool way of writing.
creepy
try living it
=D
just had an off day
no worries