Injury

At first, it seemed as though it was merely frustration that brought her to tears as she slowly fell to the hard ground of their home turf field hockey field. She knew from the start she was going to be fighting an uphill battle, which she was not likely to win, with the ankle that had so rudely ruined her last year’s season. She called for a sub and went to limp off the field to take a seat on the bench. She felt the searing pain each time she lightly pressed her foot on the ground and before she could make it all the way off the field she had once again collapsed.
Her coach called the trainer who rushed to help her across the field to the bench, where he could then wrap her ankle before putting ice on it. However, the look on his face when he approached the girl made it apparent that she wasn’t just going back to the bench to ice her ankle. With the strength she could manage to pull together, she lifted her head to see all the girls on both teams kneeling and staring at her. The weight of her head was becoming too much now and she let it fall back to the ground.
She looked up without lifting her head to see her father rushing across the field; he was a few yards away when the pain became so intense that she lost consciousness. He lifted her limp body and walked carefully with her to the car, and once she was in he drove quickly as he could to get to the hospital.


Saint Michael's College
Saint Michael's College mentor:
I really like the details that you have in your writing! I feel like I am actually at the game witnessing the event. You use good word choice.
For improvement, I would suggest adding something about what actually happened to the girl. Did she break her ankle? You also said that the look on the trainer's face was what made the girl realize that she was not just going back to the bench to ice her ankle. What was it about the trainer's face or did the girl know there was a serious problem before the trainer even looked at her?