O Ye Believer

I envy those who have religion.

I envy those who have such trust, such faith in something that they can suspend all evidence to the contrary and simply believe. My problem is that I can't quite convince myself that something else exists. I certainly can't convince myself that there's some Almighty God willing to punish all those who don't believe in Him -- I can't convince myself that there is one and only one right Way, and that all others are wrong.

Yet, at the same time, I can't actually deal with the idea that there is nothing. I am present. I live, I breathe, I work, I love. I am present. And I have a hard time making myself understand that at some point, I just might Not Be. I forget past events (when drugged under Valium), but I can't imagine forgetting me. Not even in death.

Death doesn't scare me -- the pain of it might (drowning is not in my top ten ways to go), but the actual after-death part doesn't. How can I be scared of something I will never understand? There's no point. If I believe that it will simply be a great adventure -- how can I be wrong? I refuse to believe otherwise -- because that would mean that thousands of people would burn in a fiery hell... and that just seems like the most pointless way to spend eternity. Ever.

I can have no god because I refuse to believe that all other religions are "wrong", or led astray. Instead, I will maintain the theory that for each person who believes, it is the truth. He who believes in an angry God will find an angry God. She who follows Buddhism will find the Buddha, or reincarnation. (Should you procure the Ancient Lord of Bananananaland -- you will go to an ape-y reward. You get the point.) It doesn't matter: because it doesn't make sense that only one religion can be right.

I can have no religion because it would be a hollow faith. I will never be converted, nor swear to atheism. I have no faith and I do not walk the path of sin. I am and will remain stone. From peace or nothingness I might have come, and to that I may return. I don't know what's out there, but why waste time now worrying about it?

If you believe, that's your reality and no one has the ability or right to convince you otherwise. If you do not, that's your prerogative. Belief is a wonderful thing -- and a terrible one. But before I shut my Oh So Morally Superior Sounding mouth -- I must say: no God of mine would advocate extermination, no God of mine would choose only some. No Heaven of mine would be harps and clouds. No Hell of mine would be built of fire. There are far worse ways to suffer.

I envy those their faith. I envy those who can cast aside doubt. I cannot and will not. But you know? That's okay.