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The Green Pick up

Selah's picture

Chapter 1
Joe’s Snack Bar

“JAMIE!!!!” Lindy yelled “Can we stop at Joe’s before we get home, PLEASE!” Jamie just passing the village cup slowed down and made a left turn into the parking lot of Joe’s snack shack. There were kids and their parents milling about every where, He made sure he didn’t hit any of the smaller children he couldn’t see in his overly large green pickup truck.
“Jamie, there’s a boy about run across the parking lot! Watch out!” Cried out Jelica, Jamie’s girlfriend. Jamie stopped just in time and honked his horn. “Ooh that’s Jimmy, he’s in my class.” Said Lindy waving as the pale faced boy turned around to stare at the big truck. “Hey Jimmy!” yelled Lindy as she rolled down her window. “Hi Lindy.” Said jimmy rather quietly.
It wasn’t hard to find a parking spot because there were only about ten spaces and people could walk from their houses. Jamie pulled into the second space trying hard not to bump into the rickety fence. “Lindy what, do you want?” asked Jelica. “Um,” said lindy apparently thinking hard, “a mix creamy with rainbow jimmies!” and jumped out of the car to race down, the hill with Jimmy. Then Jamie and Jelica climbed out of the car and watched Lindy run down the towards the river. Jamie walked with his arm around Jelica’s shoulders up to Joe’s.
Jamie went up to little screened window and looked in at a girl who looked sweaty with her blond hair pulled back into a pony tail. “How may help you?” she asked putting on a smile not quite reaching her eyes. “Well Umm, one kiddie chocolate, vanilla creamie with rainbow jimmies, Jelica what do you want?” He asked Jelica. “Well how ‘bout some fries?” she responded and started staring out into space. “kay, and large fry and a large rootbeer.” He finished as the girl hurriedly wrote it down. “Is that all?” asked the girl and Jamie nodded “Then that amounts to $ 10.56.” Jamie handed her a twenty and the girl handed back $9.44. He stuffed it into the pocket in his Kaki pants.

Special's picture

Uh, what

I don't get it, why didn't he buy Lindy some icecream, that's mean. is there something missing here or am i just clueless?!

I think the author did

From my reading of the story he bought her a vanilla/chocolate creemie without Jimmies...kiddie size.

Some thoughts overall on the story....
Great start and look forward to hearing where you are headed. One suggestion would be to clean up some of the typos -- misspellings, etc. That will help the readability of the piece. You should see, when you open your piece on edit, a thin red line under misspelled words. That should help.
cheers and thanks
geoff gevalt

Special's picture

i think you are right

yeah, sorry, i sorta missed the part about her tell what she wanted, and the connection between what she said and what he bought didn't click. it's a really gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood piece!!

~Special

sk8ergrl's picture

Huh?

i thought it was Joe's Snack Bar...or maybe I'm thinking of the wrong place.

YaMoGeekRoZ's picture

Hey Selah

hey selah,
nice job, can't wait to see where this story is headed, it's good.

~Moy

Selah's picture

Sorry!

Sorry i love to start writing novels but i never get around to finish them
ihave a hard time remembering to use spell check!

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