It Began with a Winter Morning Moon

I have a story. It happened several years ago when I was about 22. It is embarrassing, but I'm not ashamed of it, besides, with shame there is no laughter. With clothes, there is no full moon. And with no full moon, there is no story, and there has to be a story.

It all happened on the coldest day of my life. I mean, it was really cold. I always thought people were geeks if they used the word 'frigid, it is a frigid morning,' but, well, it was a frigid morning. I thought our town was the center of some liquid nitrogen explosion or something.
I'm going to go off subject for just a moment now. Tom is my paperboy. He delivers in every weather, that is his claim and that is what I pay him for. What Tom doesn't do, is throw the stupid paper far enough so YOU don't have to go out in any weather just to get it.
It was on this 'frigid' morning that Tom decided to throw my paper right in the middle of my icy driveway. What a brilliant kid, a real comic. So I walked in my fuzzy bath robe and slippers out onto sheer ice...and fell immediately. I mean, I fell, and when I fall, I fall hard, Bambi style. I'm sure they felt it in China. This must have been Tom's plan, I decided as I lay on my belie. He is hiding in a bush around here somewhere, watching the old guy splayed out, inches from his paper...hahaha.
A couple of teenagers walked past as I was getting up. They had an enormous, vicious looking dog. It's tale was cut off and he growled as they laughed at me. I told them to shut up. They gave me the finger. I mooned them with my naked rear. They set their dog on me. I ran...for my life.
I had seen this dog chase down another grown man in my neighborhood. Mothers locked their doors and covered their children's eyes. I watched the poor guy run off into the horizon and only the dog came back, fatter I might add.
I did track in high school, I wasn't good. My own coach called me Forest Lump. Maybe it was because nobody was teasing me now, or maybe it could have been that I had a huge dog chasing me, but I ran faster than I had in my entire life. I mean, I zoomed...just like a tortoise. Fast, pure speed. I soon realized, however, that my tortoise gear didn't seem to be fast enough, for some reason. The beast behind me sank his huge teeth into my blue bath robe, just as I turned the corner onto St. Louis street. Then, the great animal decided to stop. I kept running, he kept hold of my robe. The next thing I knew, I was sprinting, stalk naked, down St. Louis street. I had nothing on except my fuzzy slippers.
I knew I didn't look pretty, running down the road, but the fact that it was about 10 degrees outside didn't help much. I saw a little girl, selling hot chocolate on the side of the road. She took one look at me and started clutching at her eyes, screaming. I dumped the contents of her thermos down my front. Her mother was shouting at me, her eyes tightly closed.
Oddly, I met nobody else as I walked down St. Louis street. The shades were all drawn in the houses. A normal person would have hurried back home at once, embarrassed beyond belief, but then again, I'm not a normal person. I figured I would get a laugh out of this situation. I hear foot steps from around the corner and hid behind a bush. Then I popped up, yelling "BOO!"...and found my naked self face to face with a priest.
'Well...' I thought as the man screamed and ran as fast as he could, back to the church, 'It doesn't look like I'll be coming down to St. Louis street for church anymore.
The perfect end to a perfect morning. I strolled back to my house, people staring at me as I went. "Don't look to close," I'd say, "I don't know if you can handle it."