Samara Scholarship Application Essay

A year ago, it had never been my desire to change the world. I never wanted to be different. My hope was to never stand out, never have to speak up. All I wanted was to survive life until it killed me. And then something magical happened: I found myself.

Hi. My name is Lemon_The_Parrotfish* and I'm trans.

For the last nine months, I've been working on this thing people call "gender identity". I've been discovering who I am and who I want to be, how I see myself and how I want to see myself, why I'm me and want to keep it that way. It's tough sometimes, especially when not many people seem to understand what you're dealing with. I don't know a ton of people who have had to figure out their gender because a major part of society is unaware of the difference between "sex" and "gender", or even that there is a difference. There's a small, secret sub-society that recognizes that these terms are not synonymous with each other. Being part of that club gives you a duty to educate the rest of society, whether it's one person or thousands. I'm shooting for the latter.

Two of my first semester classes this year gave us projects as the final exam. I did both of mine on Gender Identity Disorder. In each, I presented the medical definition and discussed how it's considered a mental illness, just as homosexuality used to be. My presentations brought up how males are more frequently diagnosed with GID than females, most likely due to feminism. In our culture, woman can wear skirts or pants but it is only appropriate for men to wear pants. I handed out "GenderBread" to everyone and explained how gender isn't just male or female, boy or girl; gender is a spectrum.

My Child Psychology teacher actually jumped on me a bit when she saw me working on my PowerPoint.

“Hey! What are you doing?” Her tone made her sound disgusted or irritated, maybe both; it freaked me out.

“Umm… my PowerPoint’s on… children and, uh, gender identity…”

“Why are you doing that?” she spat.

“We never talked about it in class so I-“

“I don’t like to talk about it. It doesn’t matter!” I didn’t understand why she sounded so angry. The discussion was scaring me; my voice was shaking to match my body.

“Well… yeah. Gender shouldn’t matter… but people think it does… so I wanted to educate the future preschool teachers, parents, aunts and uncles and everyone else… Lots of people don’t know about it.” She paused, maybe realizing how important this was to me.

“Well, okay.” She stood up and walked on to another student.
I felt sick. My entire being collapsed in the chair when she left. My heart was racing, I was almost hyperventilating but, believe it or not, I felt fantastic. The nastiest confrontation on gender identity I had ever been a part of had just gone down. But I stood my ground, spoke up for something I believed in.

My other project for Psychology went smoothly. No outbursts or protestations that “it didn’t matter”. My classmates listened and participated. At the end, my partner asked if there were any questions. One student raised his hand but before we could call on him, our teacher spoke.

“Before questions start, I just want to say that they all need to be respectful and relevant.” We called on the hand-raiser who posed a great question: why is this considered a “disorder”? My partner passed the question off to me.

“You know, that’s a great question. Because people believe that it is a disorder, maybe like mutli-personality disorder or something. Being diagnosed with GID can make it easer to get hormones and possibly surgery but using the term “disorder” to describe it is pejorative. So there’s a conflict: leave the terminology the way it is to provide trans people with a safe way to access hormones or fight it so that it’s not seen as a mental illness? And I believe there are people fighting the terminology. Does that answer your question?”

I was surprised when we received a big round of applause after the presentation. We may live in Vermont but my community is mostly Christian Conservatives. Maybe I had actually reached some people. It was thrilling to think that I had enlightened anyone.

During my research for these projects, I realized that neither of the two libraries I work at and had been using had much on transgender people, gender identity, or even just regular GLBTQ lit. I recommended numerous titles that I had seen on Amazon to both of the head librarians; the books were ordered right away, in addition to others they had scoped out on their own. Our collections became more GLBTQ inclusive and friendly. Even once I had finished my projects, I was continuously reading and recommending queer lit to people. Luna, Parrotfish, Keeping You A Secret, Boy Meets Boy, Vast Fields of Ordinary, Far From Xanadu are some I discussed in BookLust at the ________ Library*. I've spent hundreds of dollars in Barnes and Noble and Borders, buying books for me and my mom. She was shocked and confused when I mentioned that her daughter was actually her son. We talk about it constantly. She'll ask me about terminology, what being transgender means to me, how I'm dealing with people at school and work. Truthfully, it's going fine; the books help a lot.

All the nonfiction literature I’ve read intrigues me. Memoirs, short stories, essays, studies, handbooks for “families and professionals” and The Riddle of Gender; I’m fascinated. Anything I can get my greedy hands on, I will devour. I expect that new titles on gender and trans things will be scarce soon. I’ve got my eyes on more books at the library and in bookstores concerning other GLBTQ topics. I admit, I’m slightly addicted to reading about all of these people. It’s comforting to be able to access that community at any time, to be able to read other people’s experiences and not feel so lonely.

At school, I haven't discussed my identity with a lot of people. A few friends and people that know me from my shelving job at the library have been let in on the truth. Two guidance counselors know and I’ve discussed it with them, tried to help them be more aware, letting them in on my journey so far. They want me to keep in touch after high school so I can be a resource for them as other students come through. They ask lots of questions - I'm the go-to guy with anything concerning the GLBTQ subjects - and I'm happy to answer them. When they ask what they should read to learn more, I can find great resources or recommend ones I'm already familiar with. I'm the campus queer, it seems. People started coming out to me; they look to me for support when they don't feel they have anyone else. I love being able to be that person. I can remember needing someone like that.

I found her at my job. She* helped me through the identity crisis last year, she helps through the dysphoria. We do GLBTQ displays around the library, add queer topics to the teen debates. Our teen theater piece this year is on transitions and there will be at least a few queer monologues. We talk to staff members, family members, anyone who will listen. It’s important that GLBTQ issues aren’t - excuse the pun - “kept in the closet”. Maybe not everyone is comfortable talking about their own identity but if no one talks about it at all, those who haven’t gone through or witnessed that experience may not be aware of what the community faces. We could be losing those who would be allies if they had the chance. We would be giving up support for struggling queer youth. We need to eliminate ignorance.

I’ve participated in The Day of Silence every year since I was a freshman and encouraged many to do so as well. Last year, I went to the Translating Identity Conference at UVM and took workshops on how to talk to parents, how to discuss trans identity with schools. The major I’m planning on is Gender Studies. I want to be, what I call, a “genderbrarian”: a librarian who specializes in queer literature and books specifically regarding gender. I want to be out in the world for people to talk to. I want to fight for same-sex marriage and transgender rights, gender-free bathrooms and non-discrimination policies. I want to make our society a more welcoming and accepting place for everyone.

Hi. I’m Lemon_The_Parrotfish* and I want to change the world.

* indicates change made to protect identity (isn't that somewhat ironic?)