An Apology (Hey, You)
Hey, you–
yes, you,
quiet girl sitting in the back hiding behind
your hair–
I just wanted to say
(I’m sorry)
I’ve forgotten your
name, but I’ve never really
forgotten
you–
you with your green eyes like rainforests,
you with your cascading blonde hair and
porcelain skin–
(I’m sorry)
I’ve never paid you much attention,
but
you intrigue me,
you know–
there’s something
different
about you.
(& I’m sorry that)
I don’t really
know you.
But I could.
So, girl sitting in the back hiding behind
your hair,
intriguing girl whose name I’ve
forgotten
(& really, I’m sorry
about that)
if you’d give me the
chance,
I think I’d let you know me,
too.
- threeguesses's blog
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threeguesses-
I really like this.
(maybe because I tend to hide behind my hair sometimes)
I know that there are girls(and boys) like this in just about every classroom on the planet. The ones who don't speak up and who keep to themselves and who get almost no attention paid to them. We all secretly wonder about them at some point, wondering if maybe we'd be friends if we could just get the courage to break out of our comfort zone and try to make peace.
This poem speaks to all of us and I don't think there is one person who'll read this and not be able to relate in some way.
The only thing I would suggest would be in the lines where you adress the girl, I would split it up so that 'hiding' would be on it's own line and 'behind' would be with 'your hair.'
Really fantastic job, once again.
I do love it. :)
(Ooh look... monster comment :D)
Ta.
Yay, monster comments!
Yay, monster comments! :)
Yeah, that girl has been me before. & I've seen her (and him, when it comes down to that) before as well. Nice to know it's relatable. That's what I was going for.
As for that one really long line– I intentionally made it ridiculously long. If this poem were read out loud, it would be read very quickly in one breath & probably as one word. Like this.
...
quietgirlsittinginthebackhidingbehind
your hair...
Yeah. Like that. But thanks for the suggestion anyways :)
Did somebody say monster
Did somebody say monster comments?
So, to start, I agree with threeguesses on the line. I feel like breathless is one of the intermittent emotions inherent in this piece (say that three times fast) alternating and contrasting nicely with the slower, more reflective line. Conversely it matches well with the premise of the piece as an almost awkward meeting, with long drawn out pauses and staccatto bursts of words, coming out in a blur. As an overall feel, this poem accomplishes that admirably. As a sole critisism, I'm not a big fan of the ampersands myself, I find they unneccessarily shorten the word and, and kind of throw off the rhythm when reading the piece even though read aloud it'd be the same. Speaking of which, this would make one epic slam.
-Locke, the overcompetitive monstercommenter.
Locke-
Thank you for your monstercomment. I do so like them :)
ooh. I hadn't though about slamming it. That would be fun. I've never really slammed before.
I shall consider your comment regarding ampersands.
Thanks again! ^.^
-threeguesses, who is fond of monstercomments
whoa
I definitely agree with meghanc56, everyone who reads this will be able to relate in some way, whether they are coming from the view of the one hiding from the world, or the other side looking in. This is a great piece of work, and I wouldn't change anything about it. :D
The ampersands are debatable; they do shorten the word, but that only adds to the imperativeness and awkwardness of the unspoken meeting between the two people.
One of my favorite things about this is how you put the "apology" part in parentheses. It adds an extra shyness factor to the whole thing, kind of like the person is secretly watching the hider, but isn't quite sure if they would want them to know they were being watched (I know that was kind of vague but I'm hpoping you got it?).
ps I <3 Monster Comments!!