7/25

I suppose there are all these spaces and pauses where we, in whatever misplaced mindsets we were lying, never imagined we would end up. Maybe this is one of those. Or at least along those same lines, at least pulling itself, holding itself up in much the same manner and in much the same atmosphere. This boy e-mailed me a link to a newly-announced set of shows for my favourite artist. I think, well perhaps I really do know, that people find their way into our lives and then... and then nothing. And then I turn around and turn away and screw up, ruin all the things that, had my feet been more so on the ground, I probably could have held onto better.

I am in no position to miss things. To love things. And people. And yet I do. I got my wisdom teeth out, and with the absence of my usually-somewhat-interesting summer days comes, too, a nostalgia for exactly that. Leave it up to me to develop such a lonesome, terrible longing for something after not even a week. My God. I am good with words. I am not good with situations. With conflict.

I didn't have an answer? Of course. Of course I did, I mean. Not one to share. I keep playing out these gorgeous scenarios in my tired skull, and possibly they would make more sense if I did something, anything to nudge them in the right direction. I am alone. Maybe not lonely, not yet. I love my friends more than you can love a person, I think. That is very human of me. But I got the e-mail and my heart was jumping out of my chest; and all the little pieces I've gathered so perfectly, so sickeningly, they cannot mean as much if I'm willing to discard them for something else. I want sweater weather and the boy with the flawless music taste to take a hint. I am here. I am right here. It is so hard to miss things. Particularly what you do not know well.