Archive

I found this scribbled in a notebook...it's basically an overview of a typical bad day back in May/ June when I was just soo ready for school to be over. But I got a kick out of my grumpy side...enjoy :)

PERIOD 1: Band

All I was saying is that we don't have a marked rallintando in measure 60, which YES, is the same as "three before 63." I wasn't telling you that it wasn't marked in our music because I didn't know where to start playing - I told you to see if we should add it in or if you should remove it from your score. I was trying to reduce the confusion - yeah, you're welcome. So thanks for the smart and demeaning reply. Thanks a lot.

What? How dare you?! How dare you lash out at the nice freshman that was talking for probably the first time ever in class? I mean, there are freshmen, and then there are nice freshmen. The good kids, the sweet little innocent ones. You can't get mad at them about nothing, especially in front of the whole class. You just can't.

Leave me alone and stop this ridiculous badgering. Stop singling people out. Stop the stopping and repeating of just one measure because it wasn't absolutely perfect. Sorry that we're not all musical prodigies and that our attempts at success don't seem hardworking enough. That our teenage minds are still numb at 7:30 in the morning.

Stop giving me solos that I can't and don't want to play. And just throw that boring music away - Danny Boy? Seriously? No one wants to play that.

How are we supposed to learn and play and be passionate about anything in this class when no one - not even the administration - takes it seriously? When we don't even like the songs? I mean, really? Just leave me alone and let me go back to sleep.

Thank you for this wonderful start to my Tuesday morning. Really, thanks a lot.

PERIOD 2: Spanish

I don't care what the administration says. I don't care about the "rules." It's sunny outside and the grass is greener than ever, the sky so full and blue. I'm sure there's a nice breeze, too. So we're going outside. Right now. It doesn't matter if there's no "educational purpose" for being out there; we are young and we are teenagers and we are alive. We need some stimulating.

But no. We'll just sit inside again today, sit inside and stare out the glassy windows and pretend and daydream and wish with all of our hearts that we could go outside. See all the educating going on here? See the progress we're making?

PERIOD 3: Internship in a 6th Grade Classroom

Some of these kids have already given up. I can see it from the back of the room. Some of them are already done with this - the learning and the growing and the healthiness. And it makes me so angry. Just push a little further, you guys. Just work a little harder.

Couldn't someone have caught them sooner? Couldn't someone have helped them a little earlier? Turned it all around? And what about their parents? Why didn't they ever do anythign?

They leave for P.E. and none of them tuck their chairs in. None of them put their papers away. None of them organize or understand my sensitivity to such controllable messes.

My time here isn't enough. I can't teach them. They're getting older too quickly. They'll have forgotten me by the time I want them to remember. We're all forgetting too quickly.

PERIOD 4: Teacher Advisory

Our teacher didn't even show up. Surprise, surprise.

There's nothing to do. No one to talk to. (There never is.)

I'm antsy and want to move - want to walk or run or dance or skip but just MOVE my body in some way. I can't stay in this stuffy classroom that, despite having the largest windows, is the emptiest. Because the giant and beautiful tree outside is now gone.

And the student teacher - the only person willing to talk during TA - she's gone now too. No more enthusiastic games of Catch Phrase. No more random conversations about who knows what. None of it. And I miss her so much.

I'm bored and antsy and empty. How am I supposed to make it through the rest of the day when I just want to sleep and read and write and dance and sing to beautiful music and breathe? I just don't understand how I'm supposed to go on.

PERIOD 5: SAT Prep

Noooooo. I dread this class. Every day. I dread it.

It's not too bad once I'm there. It's just...it's just so tedious and repetitive and boring. I knew it would be. And just that premonition alone is enough for the dread to settle in and manifest. Just the reminder of how easy my days have become with now more AP classes, just the reminder of filling in bubbles and answering questions that don't truly make sense (only because I think too hard) - just that terrible reminder is enough.

And I don't care. Over the months, I've just grown to not care. I don't understand. Any of it. I just don't want to be a part of this anymore.

LUNCH

I hate bad food. I hate slimy bologna sandwiches slapped on soggy Wonder Bread and shoved into a crinkly brown paper bag. I hate the unripe strawberries. Hate the cookies that have crumbled into small pieces.

You expect me to eat this? You expect me to eat this crap?

And I feel bad about it. I feel terrible. I know it all ends up in the same place, it doesn't matter what it looks like. I know there are people who would kill for my disgusting bologna sandwich. And most importantly, I know I could make my own lunch. I know, I know, I know. It just makes me angrier and angrier. All of it just makes me want to scream. let me throw my stupid crinkly brown bag across the room. let me kick the tables over. Come on, what are you scared of? Just let me do what I want. Seriously.

PERIOD 6: Pre-Calc

Ugh. Absolute downer. There is no------

(This is where my pen died that day, which makes me laugh hysterically. I just love the irony.)