Every Time We're Together

you have such a talent in wrting poems. you rock my socks kix. my day is better because i am talking to you...

I hope I can be that person for you, if not already. I know what it feels like too...

UVM Mentor

Catherine,

This is a really great poem. It immediately strikes you as being tender and thoughtful. As Hugh noted, it makes the reader want to be the "you" of your poem. Evoking that sensation in a reader is no easy task, good work.

Repetition is the key to this poem. You repeat whole lines: "Every time you're here with me" and even a verse is repeated. "here with me" is another phrase that pops up three times. More subtly there is the back-to-back repetition of "share" and near back-to-back repetition of "relief" and "relieved". This repetition makes the voice and content of the poem familiar to the reader as we progress and also underlines the yearning sensation of the poem.

While repetition alone does carry your poem quite well, I would suggest working with your meter. Count the syllables in each line. Do you see patterns, or places where a pattern almost exists? You'll notice that third line of your first verse is much longer than any other line. It's difficult to read with the flow of the rest of your poem? How might adjusting that line to a meter more in tune with other verses create a smoother flow for your peace.

Working within a meter gives you another tool to use. For instance, right now you use repetition and begin every verse with "Every time" and until the last verse, in the very last line, it appears nowhere else. The effect is that your last line is heavier than the rest. "Every time" takes on a newer, sadder meaning. It used to be followed by lines of love and hope. Now it is left on its own, longing, as the narrator longs, to be with more of "you".

Likewise, with a meter, when you do decide to stray from that standard, it will give a new purpose to the line.

Good luck down the road. I hope you decide to revisit this.

Kurt