Don't Let Go
I’m always left out,
To suffer alone,
To sink into the darkened shadows of their fame.
It’s their fault
They lied,
They deceived my dignity,
And left me alone in this freezing cold.
I try to reach out,
Through the ominous dark,
For that distant light
As I silently fall,
And break into pieces.
Like pieces to a puzzle,
A puzzle that can’t be solved.
I scream out loud,
But no one hears,
These cries of pain.
No one is catching me
As I fall harder.
They stand there and watch,
Their laughs echoing around me.
Please…
Someone save me,
I can’t breathe.
Someone catch me,
I’m falling.
Hold out your hand,
And take mine in yours.
Pull me out of this water
I’m drowning in.
Take me in your arms,
Bring me away,
And don’t let go.
Hold me tight,
Keep me warm,
Take the pain away,
And don’t let go.
Good Job!
I like it!
Good job and keep up the good work!!
~~Alison
Favorite<3
This is probably my favorite one.
It's really really good and easy to relate to.
Nicely done!
Sierra<3
Yay!
I'm glad you both like it. :)
Dark and Beautiful
I love the end of this poem, Shannon - repeating lines ("And don't let go") can be tricky to incorporate into a poem without sounding contrived, but you do it very well here. It made me think of the last stanza of Robert Frost's famous poem, "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening":
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
My main suggestion here would be to get more specific about the ways in which your speaker is "always left out." You do well in describing the general bleakness of your speaker's feelings, but the overall sensation is a vague one. It's not that your speaker needs one single reason for being dejected, but elaborating on the circumstances or providing some kind of additional context would enrich the poem's impact.
Great work.
Thank You
Thank you for the comment! I really appreciate it. I'm constantly writing poems that incorporate lines that are repeated, and it is tricky to get them to sound right.
I understand what you mean about getting more specific. Now that I've read it over again, it sounds like the speaker may just have fell through thin ice or something. So elaborating on why they feel that way would make it sound more complete.
Thank you again for the advice!
Well on your way
You are very welcome. I think it is easy to write poetry that is in a purely reactionary or impulsive or stream-of-consciousness style; and none of these are bad attributes. But poetry can also suffer from those approaches, because they can lead to a lack of clarity and depth. The key is to infuse your work with a sense of spontaneity and freshness but to ultimately be a purposeful, focused writer. Revision is often the best way to achieve this: you begin with a raw piece, then go back and think hard about what you are trying to accomplish and how you can achieve it.
This is, indeed, the challenge of all creative writing. Good luck, and keep at it! You're well on your way.
Added
I've added some more to the poem to make it more detailed. I don't know if it did really help or not, but I've read it again and it does sound better.
Definitely an improvement
This is definitely an improvement. There is still a pretty open-ended aspect to the poem, but it's also clear that you were trying to elicit more of a feeling than a specific story here, and I like that.
:)
I'm glad there is an improvement. I'll still keep working on it, though!
More to it
I've revised it even more, putting a little more detail and emotion in it.