Dead Bodies

holy smokes thats crazy were do u come up with this stuff:TOmmy

holy smokes Jordan you definately got an imagination

UVM Mentor

Jordan,

As has been previously suggested, you definitely have a strong imagination, however I believe you're holding yourself back in respect to your poetry and even poetic imagination. What you've written here is an interesting piece, but as it stands it is not a poem. A man walks into a hotel room and blows up the whole building. This is a sequence of events. You're ability to make this into a poem lies in your imagination and the way in which you can bring this story to life.

The line which most provokes a sense of poetry is "Nobody cares". Why? Is this a statement about the people who do not care their lives are in danger, or about the bomber himself? This line hints at a greater truth, without revealing itself in full. In that verse it is coupled with "Nobody notices". The repetition here is a poetic tool, it hints that these two lines are important. The reader should "notice" them and should in fact "care".

Contrast this with your second to last verse:

I place the plastic explosives
Next to the bathroom door
I slip out of the room
And leave the building

This is purely narrative. "I place the plastic explosives next to the bathroom door, slip out of the room, and leave the building." I've very quickly turned this into a simple statement. You're only repetition here is of "I" which doesn't change at all in meaning. I did this and then I did that. The "I" is still the same after it slips out of the room as it was placing the explosives.

I really hope you take the time to rework this poem. What you should see happening as you become more intentional with your use of poetics, is that your lines of narrative become the imagery to your poem's meaning.

Go in through the back
Nobody notices
Nobody cares
They’re all paid

Good luck.

Kurt

hey this is a cool story