Hand Holder Classifications

My friend, Foster, is... well, he is a giant. By the time his heart pumps blood to the tips of his fingers and toes, it is icy cold. I figured this out one day when he was holding my hand and I had an AP biology hangover. Now, Foster cannot help that his hand-holding is a tundra experience, however, I have never been able to help being critical of his technique in general. Although the interlocking fingers is a plus, the metronomic thumb stroking has probably worn off a few layers of my skin over the years. Foster is what we would call a Stroker, possibly the least offensive of the many classifications. The other undesirable classifications are the Corpses, the Sweaters or the Gropers- all of whose relationships may suffer from their crippling, incorrigible methods.

As discussed earlier, the Stroker may show many other admirable hand holding traits, lacking only the common sense NOT to rub his thumb back and forth across the other person’s hand for minutes on end. This need for motion shows a certain lack of confidence, which is a real turn off. While some parties have suggested that digit-stroking in a hand hold might be necessary in very cold situations in order to increase friction and the production of heat, other parties have responded that if it is truly that cold, the hand holding phase of intimacy, and several subsequent phases, might be skipped altogether. In any case, stroking is the most workable flaw in most situations, and can even sometimes be discouraged by a pointed lack of response.

The Corpses, in contrast, are often incurable. These hand holders allow their hands to hang limply in their partner’s, most often in a cupped position. An effort to interlock fingers is almost never initiated, and stroking might even be welcomed. Corpses can’t often get regular hand holding partners because of their lack of skill or initiative, but even this reveals how much they should be pitied. Obviously we can see that it is not a lack of desire to hold hands that is the problem, but more likely a lack of boldness or encouragement. Corpses are usually not very good looking or brave, and often their techniques improve vastly with a little encouragement, and subtle, nonverbal suggestions.

The classification of “Sweater” is sometimes viewed as a little harsh. I mean, the guy can’t help it that you’re just so gorgeous that holding your hand makes him sweat, right? Wrong. Although this may sometimes be the case, it has been the experience of many to find, upon later research, that the Sweater is actually very cool and dry until that very moment when physical contact is initiated- even in the case of something as innocent as a hand hold. Upon recognition of the syndrome, his mind is easily traceable from the very moment the hand hold is initiated. Although he is only touching your outer most extremity, you know that he’s singing the “The Hip Bone’s Connected to the Whatever Bone” in his head in very unconventional and graphic fashion. You begin to feel dirty even holding hands with him, and many choose to withdraw from the partnership immediately. In most cases, this is highly advisable.

The most dangerous thing that can possibly happen in a hand holding relationship is for a Sweater to be allowed to turn into a Groper. This happens when the “The Hip Bone...” song leaves his head and he starts enacting it. At first, you will think it is an innocent transition from Sweater to Stroker (an improvement, to be sure, if it were actually the case) but then you realize with horror that he doesn’t stop stroking at the hand. He may try a “suave” maneuver that involves slowly working his way up the arm. If this is the case, you will have ample time, at least six seconds to KICK HIM IN THE NUTS AND RUN. Trust me, you do not want to be in a hand holding relationship with someone who lacks the skills to get to second base using ordinary means.

While such infamous titles as “Sweater” and “Groper” may inspire alarm in hand holding aficionados everywhere, it should be noted that these individuals make up only a small portion of the population. Be assured that many other breeds roam this earth with whom hand holding can be an enjoyable sport. There are the Interlockers, whose expertise lies in intertwining their fingers so artfully, you will always have the pleasant sensation of never knowing quite where your hand ends and his begins. There are the Swingers, who take to merrily swinging your hands like a pendulum as you walk down the hall. And occasionally, you will run into the irresistible Prince Charmings who may be emboldened by your beauty to kiss your hand very quickly before turning away in embarrassment (if he does not seem to be abashed at all, be warned that this may be an extremely savvy Groper in disguise). No one said relationships were easy things, but hand holding, dear reader, is an entirely different realm of science.