Window (FEEDBACK PLEASE)

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Nicole Faust's picture

Snow drifting from the sky

Falling on those who walk by

Ten stories down;

Beneath her window.

 

Shades drawn to conceal

Never opening to reveal

The pale and worn visage

That once was a face.

 

Winter for her

Has lost all of its lure;

When the first snowflakes fall

She shuts her window.

 

But forget the fires

That others admire

In other apartments

On other streets,

 

She lives privately,

Studying the wall attentively;

She never sees the snow

Just outside her window

 

Because of repeated wishes

And unwashed dishes

Floating in the filthy water

Clogging her sink.

 

Outside, people walk by,

Free, and happy to defy

The biting cold in warm rooms, just

Across the street from her window,

 

But she remains hidden,

Always unbidden

In the frigid air

Of her one room.

 

Making barely enough to pay rent,

She scrabbles with her one cent

To find a way to pay

Her way out of this room with one window.

 

Winter is not a happy time

For her single last dime

Clinking into the pot

That used to contain gold.

 

But the cold sucked dry

Everything she had to get by

So now she sits alone and freezing

Staying away from her closed window.

 

And she wishes she could repent

And not remember how much she was lent

To live in the crumbling hellhole

That she liked to call home.

 

So she sits quietly,

Shivering, but waiting politely

For the spring to come

And send slanting rays of warmth through her window.

 

Closed eyes and smiling mouth,

Dreaming of days in the south

When she doesn’t quake and shiver

And everything she wants

 

Is right outside her window.

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Comments

Wow

Margo's picture

Wow! I absolutely love this piece. It's very powerful, and it flows really well. There's not a lot of feedback I have to give.

I think I'll just mention this:

"The ten stories height high" This line kind of threw me off. I liked the way the first stanza introduced the poem, and I think it was a great start, except for this line, and probably could use some work. "height high" doens't sound right to me.

That's really the only changes I would make. I loved it! These lines:

"To find a way to pay

Her way out of this room with one window."

and

"Shivering, but waiting politely

For the spring to come"

are my favorites! I cannot express how much I actually love them! Fantastic job!! :)

- Ciel  (YWP Uber-User/Mentor: ask me anything!)

“As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.” 

"The ten stories height high"

Nicole Faust's picture

I changed that line back to how I originally had it before I posted it. Is it any better? Or should I completely rephrase it?

--

bright morning stars are rising, day is breaking in my soul

NICOLE...

gg's picture

Congrats, this has been CHOSEN to be performed by Vermont Stage Company. We can't get a hold of you, so please check your messages.

So our feedback is, simply, that this was wonderful and worthy of performance. Nice going!

gg

geoff gevalt

ywp farmhand & general instigator