I used to know who I was
I was the kid who could never keep a conversation going
but would never stop trying.
I was a math wiz who couldn't get into the honors class
and I hated English class
because it kept me off of the honor roll.
I was a healer,
I was a doctor,
I healed people who thanked me with betrayal.
But now things are different.
I can keep conversations going
I love English class now,
I'm terrrible at math
and now I've been thanked with kindness
It's not much,
But hey, it's a start.
But now I don't know who I am.
Back when I was young, I dreamed of having nicknames
but now I have so many my real name is dead to me
it drowned in a sea of confusion.
Here's some advice, kid,
don't wish for something you don't understand.
Because every nickname is a secret identity
and I know that sounds cool to you,
but I assure you I am no spy.
I am an author.
Sometimes, I wish I could be like a character I write
because then I could do something bold for once.
Or think something through correctly for once,
or do something useful for once.
And sometimes I am them.
I'll bet you never thought that you would someday act as someone you've written
who becomes so real you're not sure if you're acting anymore.
I am a case of stolen identity.
I am a mess of motivations and people
I am confused.
I memorized my lines so well I forgot how to forget them.
Or maybe all the lines I've memorized are my own.
I'm not supposed to be having an identity crisis until I'm
40 and realize I'm working for the man.
But maybe this is all me.
Maybe I am a troop of different people trapped in one body.
Maybe I am crazy.
No, I am certainly crazy.
But maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Because maybe I can contradict myself.
Maybe I am a paradox of a human being and
it's not unhealthy to write so much you
feel as though you've known the charactors you write about.
Maybe it's not unhealthy that they've made a huge impact on my life
and my personality.
Maybe it is unhealthy to try to pin myself down,
to say that I am this, or I am that.
Because I can be anything I want.
I can survive having more than one name.