Vermont Young Playwrights Festival
Young Writers Project was pleased to partner with the Flynn Center, Vermont Stage Company and a dozen schools and young playwrights in this year's 2012 Vermont Playwrights program which included the Annual Festival at FlynnSpace on May 15. The plays were fantastic. The final selections included pieces that were given cold readings, dramatic readings and then, in the evening, seven were presented by professional actors.
YWP recorded the event and streamed it live. It received 250 views by people who devoted 50 hours combined to watch the plays. YWP also had folks text their reactions to the playwrights. We have begun the task of loading the audio of the presented plays to the text. To read and listen, go to Final Selection. To see the texted responses, go to youngwritersproject.org/poll1. Over the next week we will make the video recordings available and will get word, via here and the Flynn, as to how playwrights can view and download the video for free.
7:30 Featured Show selections:
The Consultant by Russell Johnson of U-32
What Went Wrong by Cassie Mayer of Mt. Abraham Union High School
I'm Lost in the Woods by Leo Parini of Middlebury Union High School
The Monster in the Closet by Stephyn O'Leary of Rock Point School
I Absolutely Agree by Allison VanNorden of Peoples Academy High School
The Crashing of Lives by Grace Willean of Lamoille Union Middle School
A Date for Four by Carl Andres of Patricia A. Hannaford Career Center
The Joys of Writing a Play
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The Joys of Writing a Play
A ten minute play
by
Cole M
Williston Central School
1
CHARACTERS:
MATHEW: aspiring playwright, 22
DAVE: Mathew’s obnoxious boss, 44
CLINTON: Chef, non-speaking, 62
LORRIE: Actress, non-speaking, 40
SCENE: An office desk littered with crumpled balls of paper and sticky notes.
AT RISE: Mathew is sitting at his desk writing feverishly.
MATHEW
(shouting)
This is completely impossible!
DAVE
(nastily, from offstage)
Mathew, even for someone of your intelligence level it shouldn’t be too hard to empty a trash can.
MATHEW
I did that already Dave, here, you can have it!
(throws trash off stage)
DAVE
OW!
MATHEW
Now, to get back to work.
(From backstage left PROSPECTIVE PLAYERS 1, 2 and 3 come and stand in the back, not yet lit.)
MATHEW
Characters, let’s see, oh! Clinton Frappier, A small middle aged cook who is very shy.
(PROSPECTIVE PLAYERS 1, 2 and 3 are lit up, PROSPECTIVE PLAYER # 2 steps out, looking meek, dressed as CLINTON FRAPPIER.)
MATHEW
Now, who’s next..... aha! A Bank Manager!
(PROSPECTIVE PLAYER # 1 steps out a big smile on his/her face, dressed as a Bank Manager.)
2
MATHEW
No, no, that won’t do.
MATHEW
The Prison Warden!
(The PROSPECTIVE PLAYER # 3 steps up looking grim, dressed as PRISON WARDEN, as PROSPECTIVE PLAYER # 1 steps back with a big frown on his/her face.)
MATHEW
(nervously)
No, not for this story.......
(PROSPECTIVE PLAYER # 3 steps back, still looking grim)
MATHEW
Geraldine, the Bank Robber!
(PROSPECTIVE PLAYER # 1 steps up, looking bewildered, dressed as GERALDINE THE BANK ROBBER)
MATHEW
Oh for crying out loud! This is ridiculous! I need a character who’s smart and witty, compassionate yet sarcastic, someone with a variety of emotions and possible reactions- Geraldine, what the heck are you still doing here? Get off stage!
(GERALDINE runs offstage, sobbing into her hands)
MATHEW
Where was I? Oh, yes, I need someone with a variety of emotions and possible reactions to anything that happens to them...
(Gasp)
An actress, yes, an actress!
(to audience)
Everyone I present to you Lorrie Beckert, a stocky actress, with an ever present sardonic smile on her face and an attitude to match!
(PROSPECTIVE PLAYER # 3 steps up looking confident, dressed as LORRIE BECKERT)
3
MATHEW
Okay, I need to start writing now, scene one......the beginning....the grand opening! So…
(starting to write)
Lorrie barges into the kitchen of a restaurant and demands to see the chef.
(LORRIE and CLINTON preset downstage left. Lights on, Lorrie barges through a pair of doors into the kitchen, where she complains to a number of people before running into CLINTON, who is carrying a large pot of soup. LORRIE shrieks and falls backwards. Lights out on LORRIE and CLINTON. Lights up on MATHEW.)
MATHEW
(shocked, to frozen PLAYERS)
What are you doing? Did I say anything about soup?
(to audience)
Did I say anything about soup? Soup...soup is...soup is...is good.
(writing)
Pot of soup. Lorrie stands up and starts yelling at Clinton for his clumsiness and how her outfit is ruined.
(LORRIE stands up and yells at CLINTON, making up for her lack of speech with wild gestures at both CLINTON and her outfit. She slaps CLINTON.)
MATHEW
(shouting at PLAYERS)
Wait, wait, wait, I don’ know about that slap, let’s see it again.
(LORRIE “rewinds” and slaps CLINTON again.)
MATHEW
Good, but I still haven’t decided, let’s try that a few more times.
(LORRIE brings her hand back and slaps CLINTON three more times.)
MATHEW
Alright, stop, stop, stop, we’ll put the slap in.
(writing)
Lorrie slaps Clinton.
(LORRIE silently pumps her fist into the air, clearly excited.)
4
MATHEW
(writing)
Clinton asks Lorrie what she is doing inside his kitchen and Lorrie claims that her fish was raw-
(CLINTON is astonished and offended and after shouting at both LORRIE and MATHEW, he leaves the stage in a huff.)
MATHEW
(shouting after CLINTON)
Clinton, Clinton come back. The fish wasn’t raw it was just....uh......under-salted.
(crosses out something on his paper)
Look, I changed it, it says under-salted.
(CLINTON peeks out from offstage and then walks over to MATHEW’s desk and holds out his hand.)
MATHEW
Oh, you want to see that I crossed it out?
(Clinton nods)
MATHEW
Well here.
(hands CLINTON his notebook. CLINTON inspects notebook for a second then grabs a bottle of whiteout.)
MATHEW
Uh... Clinton, be careful with that.
(CLINTON unscrews the cap and then furiously scribbles all over the page with the whiteout.)
MATHEW
Clinton! This is ridiculous, now I have to write this all over again
(writing and speaking at top speed)
Lorrie barges into the kitchen of a restaurant and demands to see the chef. Pot of soup. Lorrie stands up and starts yelling at Clinton for his clumsiness and how her outfit is ruined. Lorrie slaps Clinton. Clinton asks Lorrie what she is doing inside his kitchen and Lorrie claims that her fish was raw- I mean under-salted. Clinton is angry that she would even think of making that accusation. Clinton slaps Lorrie.
(PLAYERS start from the top starting with LORRIE bursting through the doors and ending with CLINTON slapping LORRIE)
5
MATHEW
Okay, that was good, but I need a BOOM or a POW or an EXPLOSION! It needs more pizazz, more- it needs ANOTHER SCENE!!!!!!!
(Lights out full)
MATHEW
(Lights up on Mathew’s desk, Mathew is still writing but less hurriedly)
This is…
(pause)
interesting, though for some reason I have the feeling that this is writing itself. (goes back to writing)
Scene 7....... Lorrie has revealed her true identity to Clinton as an actress and they are at the top of the Eiffel Tower. They are sitting on a bench, talking.
(LORRIE and CLINTON sitting on a bench arguing, they are clearly very agitated and use large gestures to fill in for speech. CLINTON says something accompanied by a very large gesture and LORRIE looks in shock at him. She then stomps on his foot. CLINTON turns away from LORRIE and cries silently into his hands.)
MATHEW
Lorrie, that was so mean, and look, now he’s crying.
(LORRIE turns and awkwardly pats CLINTON on the back, she says I’m sorry, still silently. CLINTON sits up turns toward LORRIE and laughs in her face, having clearly faked the crying.)
MATHEW
This has been a good run, but I need to go to the bathroom.
(MATHEW walks offstage just as PROSPECTIVE PLAYER # 2 walks out dressed as DAVE)
DAVE
So, what do we have here? A play?! Written by Mathew, well if this is what he does when I’m not looking.... Let’s look in the Office Handbook.
(pulls out a small book and flips through the pages intent on finding something)
Plays, plays, writing........ nothing!?
(He throws the book offstage in a rage)
Well......well I’m making a rule! From now on there will be no plays, ever!
(He pick up the play and crumples it into a little ball, as their home is destroyed CLINTON and LORRIE, looking panicked “crumple up” as well) AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(DAVE storms off stage)
6
MATHEW
What was that?! I heard shouting!
(looks at his desk)
NO!!
(he runs to CLINTON and LORRIE, slapping their faces in turn trying in vain to wake them up. He falls to his knees)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Lights out full)
The Importance of Being Ronald
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The Importance of Being Ronald
By Faith D
St. Johnsbury Academy
Character List
Ronald: late 70's, Father of Marie, has a delusion which causes him to narrate his own life.
Marie: early 40's, Wife of Leo, homemaker
Leo: mid 40's, Husband of Marie, a writer
Deandra: Teen (15-17), daughter of Leo and Marie, runs track
At Rise
In the kitchen, Leo and Deandra are sitting at the kitchen table
Deandra
Dad, can we cancel?
Leo
You know we can’t,
Deandra
Mom might not have picked him up yet! We can call her on her cell before she reaches the nursing home!
Leo
Nope
Deandra
(Whining) Dad!
It’s not gonna happen, Dee.
Deandra
Maybe he got sick! And he’s terminally ill!
Leo
That’s just wishful thinking.
Deandra
(Groaning) Why does Grandpa have to come over? He’s so uncomfortable to be around!
Leo
He’s sick Dee, he’s suffering from a delusion and we’ve gotta be sensitive to that.
Deandra
Yeah, a delusion that we can’t hear him narrating his own life! How does a person end up like that, anyways?!
Leo
I guess it’s just his old memories messing with him. In his mind we’re only characters in one of his novels. If you think about it, it’s sort of interesting, kinda like being inside the mind of a writer.
Deandra
(sarcastically) Yeah, it’s really interesting when he’s telling you how much he hated the Christmas card you made him in kindergarten
Leo
Don’t get started on that. He didn’t say he hated it, exactly.
Deandra
No, not exactly. He just articulated beautifully how he couldn’t believe that a child of six couldn’t stay inside the lines, also that it was a shame that my mind was already ruined by capitalism because I put a red nose on the reindeer.
Leo
He may be a little confused, but we should be thankful he is so articulate at his age.
Deandra
But you and Mom hate it too! When he read your books, he said he wished he had enforced an arranged marriage on mom so she wouldn’t be stuck with an illiterate oaf for the rest of her life.
Leo
I know, but I choose to take it as…constructive criticism rather than an insult to my intelligence. It’s difficult, Dee, but he’s just saying how he feels. It’s a tough world for people who are honest. It’s probably just as hard on him as it is for us.
Deandra
But how are we supposed to talk to him? To him we’re characters in his stupid novel! Should we start narrating our own lives and say what we really think? (In a deep narrator’s voice) “Deandra thought her grandpa was a jerk and should stop coming over if he hates it here so much!”
Leo
No, of course not! I know it’s hard but we just have to be understanding. His doctor said to try not and encourage the fantasy, talk to him as you would any other person.
Deandra
Yeah, whatever.
Leo
Sounds like your Moms’ home. Help me set the table.
Marie walks a little quickly on stage
Marie
Is everything ready?
Leo
Yup, the food’s done. Where’s your father?
Marie
He’s just hanging up his jacket.
Leo
Hey, you didn’t get a chance to read my manuscript, did you?
Marie
We shouldn’t talk about that while he’s here! Remember what happened last time? Anyways, he’s feeling a little short tempered right now.
Leo
What do you mean?
Marie
Well, he didn’t take his meds today, and he’s feeling very…articulate…
Deandra
Oh God.
Leo
I’m sure he’ll be fine, how bad could it be?
Ronald walks onstage, lingering in the doorway.
Hey there, Ron, good to see you!
Ronald
Ronald stepped into the room with its imitation French cupboards and chicken themed tiles where his family scurried in preparation for him. They were much like chickens themselves, tragic ones, that lacked heads.
Deandra
What!
Ronald
Exclaimed, the daughter who, Ronald knew, only moments was ago complaining about him. He cared not, Their opinions meant little to him.
Leo
O.K. Let’s eat!
Everyone sits down at the table, Marie helping Ronald into his seat.
Deandra
Dad could you pass the potatoes?
Leo
Sure. Marie? Could you send the pepper my way?
Potatoes and pepper is passed
So Ron what’d you think about the super bowl game? You’re a Giants fan, right?
Ronald
Ronald pretended he was hard at hearing so as not to be forced to converse with his imbecile Son-in-law. What a cruel thing it is when a son, of your daughters choosing, can be forced upon you by the law.
Leo
(Trying to take the insult in a humorous way)
Ha, come on Ron, I can’t be that bad?
Ronald
(Raising his voice and continuing his rant)
In reality, Ronald had excellent sense of hearing, he thought about how it must not be a hereditary gene otherwise how could his daughter have married a man with such an obnoxious tone of voice.
Marie
( Interrupting quickly)
How is it at the home, dad?
Ronald
‘Fine.’ He replied like a teenager being vague to conceal his true feelings. He would never tell them the bitterness he felt towards his family when they first sent him to a Nursing Home, a place he considered to be death’s waiting room. However , he had grown fond of the place…at least none of them were there.
Deandra
I’m going to get a glass of water
Getting up from the table
Marie
Could you get everyone a glass?
Deandra
(Grumbling)
Fine
Ronald
Can’t she do a damn thing without complaining? Ronald thought. He expected his kin to be made of tougher stuff.
Deandra
I’m tough! I run with the best indoor track team in the state!
Ronald
‘That’s great, Deandra!’ Ronald said, doubting she could detect his sarcasm. How remarkable, he thought, to have a sport based on running around in circles.
Deandra
Do you want water or not?
Ronald
Besides, he knew she spent the majority of the game sitting and not running
Deandra
Hey!
Marie
Dee, don’t raise your voice at your grandfather
Deandra
Did you hear what he said?
Marie
Just try to ignore it; he really does care about you Dee. Right dad? You care.
Ronald
Of course, he replied.
Leo
You just have to be patient with the…you know…situation.
Deandra
Finishing setting the glasses on the table and sitting down
(Mumbling) It’s not a hereditary situation is it?
Ronald
Ronald sensed the resentment Dee felt for the blood bond that binded them, but he held no grudge against her
Marie
You see sweetie? He does cares.
Ronald
No, he held no grudge, for the feeling of resentment Dee felt for him was mutual.
Deandra
Yeah, you hide it really well grandpa!
Leo
Dee, don’t talk like that.
Deandra
And why not?! He’s says everything he thinks about us! Why can’t I be honest?
Leo
It’s not the same Deandra! We have to be bigger people.
Marie
That’s right, no matter what is said about your track team or dad’s writing career going downhill.
Leo
(Clearing his throat)
Downhill?
Marie
You know what I mean, when my father says it’s going ‘downhill’. It’s not how I feel.
Leo
No, of course not. Dee , pass the salt
Deandra
Mom, the broccoli.
The salt and Broccoli is passed more curtly and the family silently chews food for a moment
Leo
So did you look at my manuscript?
Marie
(Uncomfortable)
I didn’t get a chance to, I had to pick Dad up right after I made dinner…
Leo
I gave it to you a week ago.
Marie
Well you know I’ve been really busy and…
Leo
And you couldn’t have found a moment after dinner or at one of Dee’s meets?
Deandra
You guys read at my meets?
Ronald
Ronald could feel the tension in the room; arguments usually left festering in the back of their minds were rising to the surface.
Deandra
Giving her grandfather “the hand” in an attempt at ignoring him
You said you liked going to them.
Leo
We do! We only read when other people are running and not you sweetie.
Deandra
Right, so the entire time!
Leo
No! Just…most of the time
Marie
Leo, the potatoes.
Deandra
Mom, Salt!
Potatoes and salt is aggressively passed around
Ronald
Moving his chair away from the table
With the hostility rising and the accusations being thrown back and forth Ronald moved away from the table, there was no telling what these savages might do.
Deandra
Shut it grandpa.
Marie
Don’t speak to you grandfather that way!
Deandra
I’m being honest! You should try it sometime; maybe you could finally tell dad you don’t like his book.
Leo
What!
Marie
I never said I didn’t like it, I just haven’t read it yet!
Ronald
Ronald suspected the red meat they were consuming of feeding their primitive instincts and aggression.
Leo
Well why would you read it if you don’t like it!
Marie
You know maybe I would have read it if I hadn’t been doing everything else that had to be done! Like making three meals a day and going to Deandra’s games alone!
Leo
I go to her games.
Marie
Yeah once!
Leo
Well what’s the point of going, she hardly ever runs!
Deandra
That’s why you hate going to my meets?! Because I’m not good enough?!
Marie
Dee we love going to your meets even if you aren’t the best
Ronald
(Smiling) Was it better to be at the home or at this fine family get-together? Ronald couldn’t decide.
Deandra
You’re just like grandpa! I’m not talented enough for you. I guess you hated the Christmas card I made him too?
Unnoticed by the rest of the family, Ronald starts taking bits of food off of each of the families plates.
Marie
(Sarcastically)
Sure, that’s what I meant! You got me Dee, I think you’re just a mediocre child!
Leo
Apparently mediocrity runs in the family if I’m such a boring writer!
Marie
I never said that! But now that I think of it, I would be more inclined to read your stuff if you spent a little less time bugging me about it and little more time helping me run errands!
Ronald
…Every one of them pining for attention, justifying their selfishness with petty arguments….
Deandra
You hate going to my meets! Say it!
Marie
Okay Dee, they’re boring! And sometimes I read at them.
Leo
Oh you read?! Well what? What are you reading? Because it’s obviously not my stuff?!
Ronald
With glazed eyes that focused on nothing in particular
But Marie made an excellent shepherds’ pie.
Ronald starts to eat as the family stops and looks at him before continuing their fight
Deandra
This is just like my fourth grade play! When dad fell asleep at the camcorder and none of the play was shot!
Leo
You’re not still carrying that wound around are you? That was five years ago!
Deandra
You two never thought I was worth watching!
Marie
That’s right; complain, complain, complain! Meanwhile I drive you everywhere, make dinner, clean the house, without so much as a ‘thank you’ from either of you.
Leo
Maybe because I’m too busy bringing in an income with my writing!
Ronald
Raising his voice over the families
But he loved them!
Family gets quiet
Yes, despite their whiney natures and their obvious inadequacy, Ronald knew that he was no better, and he wouldn’t trade any of them for anyone else.
Family is quiet and turns their attention to their food
Marie
I could…read it after dinner, you know, if you still want me to.
Leo
You don’t have to
Marie
No I want to read it.
Leo
Okay, Dee do you want to help me finish the dishes later?
Deandra
Quietly
Yeah Okay
Leo
And your mom said you did run well last Saturday, Dee. We’re really proud that you’ve stuck with it.
Deandra
Still quiet
Thanks
Ronald
After things settled down Ronald was content, but with only one regret
Family looks up at him
Ronald
That during the outbursts, none of the Neanderthals managed to throw his abysmal potatoes against the wall.
Espionage Misclassified
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ESPIONAGE MISCLASSIFIED
A ten-minute play
By
Jordan Q
Spaulding High School
Characters
HAROLD, 22-year-old Army Private-First Class
MICHELLE, 21-year-old Army Private-First Class
LIEUTENANT MYERS, 30-year-old Army Lieutenant
SERGEANT DAVIDSON, 27-year-old Army Sergeant
Setting: A military base in Massachusetts, present day.
At Rise: HAROLD and MICHELLE are casually strolling down an empty hallway in the base, having just returned from lunch. The two are discussing events of the previous evening.
HAROLD
(In a semi-casual tone)
--And then Davidson just screams, “In the name of all that is good, don’t touch my toupee!” It was so funny!
MICHELLE
(Much more seriously)
He really is touchy about that thing, isn’t he?
HAROLD
Oh yeah. And then some Lieutenant just comes in and he is pissed. He’s like, “Why are you making all that noise, Sergeant?” And you know Davidson wasn’t gonna say anything, he just had to say, “Sorry, sir, won’t happen again, sir.” Like anybody’s gonna tolerate some guy whining about his toupee. It’s a private’s complaint, as the officers say.
MICHELLE
And we were privates once. Still are, in fact.
HAROLD
Damn, I forgot about that.
MICHELLE
And besides, we shouldn’t be criticizing our superiors.
HAROLD
Aw, why not? As long as it isn’t to their faces. Besides, nobody pays attention to the guys on the bottom.
MICHELLE
I do not care. We respect the positions of our superiors, even if we do not respect the people themselves, which we should.
(Screams are heard offstage.)
HAROLD
That sounds like some girl having a good time. Hey Michelle, who the heck does it at thirteen hundred?
MICHELLE
I have no idea. I do not believe anybody in our base engages in such activities without the cover of darkness.
(She sprints off, stage right, to investigate.)
Hey, Harold? There’s a box of some sort over here, dropped on the floor.
(She enters stage right, carrying a Benadryl-sized cardboard box.)
Medicine of some type. Huh.
HAROLD
Wait. Who leaves trash lying around, especially if they threatened to fine anyone who wasn’t disposing of their waste properly?
MICHELLE
Only one explanation: we seem to have an unexpected visitor. Just one thing, though--I can’t read the characters on this box.
(She hands the box to HAROLD, who inspects it for several seconds.)
And there’s a fine on littering? Huh. Yet another regulation.
HAROLD
Ah, Washington--always out to screw us. I’d love to be a pain in VA’s rear when I retire.
(He glances back down at the box.)
It’s an Asian language of some sort. Well, I’ll say this: it’s probably counterfeit.
MICHELLE
Counterfeit? What makes you say that?
HAROLD
It looks like Chinese. The writing, I mean.
MICHELLE
You stereotype. Then again, so do most people. They cannot look at a Muslim wearing a burka without thinking “terrorist”.
HAROLD
(Voice rising.)
Yeah, well, if you were Muslim it’d be you wearing that burka.
MICHELLE
Point taken. (Sees HAROLD staring at her) Um, could you not stare at me, please?
HAROLD
Oh, sorry. (Looks at the box) Hey, I think this is Chinese! No, Michelle, I’m serious.
MICHELLE
We should probably take this to a commanding officer.
HAROLD
Yeah, probably. But who would be cheating with a Chinaman?
MICHELLE
Chinawoman, Harold, we don’t have any men of Chinese descent on base. Actually, it‘s probably somebody’s mistress, there aren’t any Chinese in uniform, period.
BASE INTERCOM
PFC Harold Thomas, please report to Sergeant Davidson’s office. Harold Thomas, to Sergeant Davidson’s office. Thank you.
HAROLD
Gotta go. (He kisses MICHELLE on the cheek. MICHELLE blushes. HAROLD exits, stage left. MICHELLE is left holding the empty box of pills.)
MICHELLE
What the heck?
(Enter LIEUTENANT MYERS, stage right.)
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Oh, hello there. What are you doing here?
MICHELLE
Waiting for a friend, sir. Is there a problem, sir?
LIEUTENANT MYERS
May I see that box, please?
MICHELLE
Of course, sir. (Hands him the box.)
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Curious...Chinese medication. Probably counterfeit. This isn’t yours, Packard?
MICHELLE
No, sir. Of course not, sir. (She fidgets.)
LIEUTENANT MYERS
And it’s not your friend’s, either?
MICHELLE
No, sir.
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Well, then, that settles it.
MICHELLE
Settles what, sir?
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Settles the fact that...one moment. Your friend, he was summoned to Sergeant Davidson’s office, was he not?
MICHELLE
Yes, sir.
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Then he is in danger. Grave danger, perhaps.
MICHELLE
Why, sir?
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Because Sergeant Davidson is a traitor.
MICHELLE
But sir...it can’t be!
LIEUTENANT MYERS
I’m afraid it is. (Pauses) There’s no easy way to say this, there really isn’t. Particularly because the Pentagon limits the information we share with those below us, and especially with privates. In any case, Sergeant Davidson, we believe, has been sharing military secrets with a Chinese diplomatic official in exchange for certain favors.
MICHELLE
Favors, sir?
LIEUTENANT MYERS
I cannot state the exact nature of these favors. I will tell you, however, that if you have to ask you do not need to know.
MICHELLE
Oh! (Giggles) I understand, sir.
LIEUTENANT MYERS
That box of pills you hold--they are intended to serve as contraceptives. Sergeant Davidson insisted that she use them to avoid getting pregnant. However, the source we have indicates that she is taking placebos in their place, on purpose. She wishes to become pregnant with his child, which will force him to make a decision between his country and his family. No doubt he will choose his family.
MICHELLE
Nobody will believe that, sir. Davidson’s big man on base, sir. There’s no way anyone will go for that, sir.
LIEUTENANT MYERS
I have struggled against that before. I assure you that I have considerable experience in that area. Besides, these suspicions originated from the Pentagon. That gives instant credibility.
(He starts to walk off, stage right. Before exiting :)
One more thing. You understand, Packard, that all of this is in confidence? I could be in huge trouble for telling you all of this?
MICHELLE
I understand, sir. Not a word, sir. (LIEUTENANT MYERS exits, stage right, as HAROLD enters from the same side. HAROLD salutes LIEUTENANT MYERS.)
HAROLD
Oh, hey. What just happened?
MICHELLE
Oh, not much. (Shrugs)
HAROLD
It’s okay. You can tell me. We’re friends, right?
MICHELLE
It’s classified.
HAROLD
What do you mean, classified? You mean the “I-can’t-tell-anybody-because-I’ll-get-in-trouble” kind of classified, or “it’s-so-personal-I-have-to-call-it-classified-in-order-to-shut-people-up” kind of classified?
MICHELLE
(Sighing)
Alright, I’ll tell you. Lieutenant Myers just told me that...that Davidson is under investigation by the Pentagon. Boy, is that toupee of his going to be in bad shape when they get him in cuffs.
HAROLD
You’re kidding me. What could he possibly do to get himself in trouble with Washington?
MICHELLE
Try sharing secrets with a Chinese official in exchange for a good time. And this? (She holds up the box) Let’s just say they were intended to make sure she didn’t have his baby--or did, rather. They’re placebos.
HAROLD
Placebo? What does that mean?
MICHELLE
Long story short, they’re fake. Counterfeit. Actually, a typical program such as this uses a set of placebos every fourth week instead of real pills.
HAROLD
So why would this woman take counterfeit pills from her own country?
MICHELLE
To dupe him. I think, personally, that she wants to have his kid. That way he’d have to defect to China.
HAROLD
Or her to here...
MICHELLE
Huh?
HAROLD
Perhaps everyone’s going about this the wrong way. Try this for a scenario: what if Davidson knows she’s trying to dupe him, and is trying to double-cross her instead? He could get her arrested for espionage, even if he does a little time himself. Heck, catching her would probably save him from execution.
MICHELLE
Harold, you are officially a genius. Let’s go find this girl, see what she knows.
(SERGEANT DAVIDSON enters, stage left, talking on a cell phone. He does not see the other two.)
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
(In a flirty tone)
Yes, my love, I know...(pause) I am fully aware of that!...(pause) Well, we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get there....(pause) Of course I’d like to do that!...(pause) See you tonight. Love you. (Hangs up)
This looks like a good hiding spot...Myers will never find me, not here.
(LIEUTENANT MYERS enters, stage right)
Oh no...Myers is here. Gotta run!
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Sergeant Vincent Davidson? You are under arrest for treason, sabotage, and sharing secrets with a foreign agent! (To himself) You know what, that’s probably the same thing.
(SERGEANT DAVIDSON starts to run around the stage. LIEUTENANT MYERS gives chase. Approximately 10-15 seconds later...)
HAROLD
Oh, this is getting ridiculous.
(He tackles SERGEANT DAIDSON. LIEUTENANT MYERS hands HAROLD a pair of handcuffs, which he uses to handcuff SERGEANT DAVIDSON and pin him down.)
MICHELLE
You’re under arrest, sir!
HAROLD
You know, sir, you could have just shot him.
LIEUTENANT MYERS
No can do, Thomas. That’d be overkill. Besides, I actually like the guy.
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
Let me up, Thomas! I order you to let me up! (Sobbing) It wasn’t me! It was her! You have to let me explain myself!
LIEUTENANT MYERS
You get one minute.
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
It was her. She told me she was interested in freedom, democracy--all the things we stand for. She wanted to share secrets, in exchange for--well, you know what she wanted. So we did that stuff, and she told me things--things I can’t discuss in front of those two. (He points at HAROLD and MICHELLE)
MICHELLE
What about the fake pills?
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
The Chinese were onto her. They wanted to have her pregnant so I would have to go over there. Then they’d shoot both of us.
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Alright then, you’ll live. But I warn you--anything like this again and...
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
And what? After what you pulled, you dare threaten me, sir?
HAROLD/MICHELLE
(In unison)
What?
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
(Angry)
Go ahead, Myers. Tell them about what you did! Tell them how, for years, you had a man at the Pentagon sharing classified info with you. And tell them that that guy you trusted was an ex-Soviet spy who had faked his defection! And you know what, what the heck. Tell them what you learned. Privacy never mattered to you, not after you walked in on that couple three years ago!
(HAROLD and MICHELLE look at each other, at the two commanding officers, and burst into laughter)
HAROLD
Big deal! Everybody has a man upstairs! That’s supposed to be a big secret, sir? Sure, it’s against official policy, but so is women in combat, and that happens all the time! It’s no big deal!
MICHELLE
But sharing classified information is. (She uncuffs SERGEANT DAVIDSON and instead cuffs LIEUTENANT MYERS.) We’re going to have to ask you a few questions, sir.
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Oh no...
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
Oh, and technically you shouldn't have told the young lady about my operation, either. And she, I assume, told her friend. That happens all the time, too, so nothing happening there.
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Ah, but you're not out of the woods yet, Davidson. You're supposed to let the Pentagon know when you're pulling something like what you pulled.
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
I did let you know—
LIEUTENANT MYERS
Yes, but only under duress. It doesn't work that way. You have to come to us of your own free will.
(SERGEANT DAVIDSON sighs. MYERS continues:)
Look, I'll cut you a deal. I'll tell upstairs everything's all right and arrange for the Chinese girl's naturalization if you don't tell them about what just happened and that a couple of privates know. That sound like a plan?
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
Yes, sir.
(They shake hands and exit, stage left.)
HAROLD
This certainly has been an exhausting few minutes.
MICHELLE
You can say that again.
HAROLD
This certainly has been an exhausting few minutes—
MICHELLE
(Laughing)
Harry! Shut up! Oh, sorry, you don't like being called Harry, right?
HAROLD
(Flirtatiously)
It doesn't matter so much when you do it, Mickey. (Drops flirty tone) Or should it be Shelly? I haven't decided yet.
MICHELLE
Shelly's just fine. Although it sounds like the nickname of some artillery guy...
HAROLD
Shelly it is, then.
MICHELLE
So, um...
(Awkward pause)
HAROLD/MICHELLE
I love you.
MICHELLE
Come on. I'm not the prettiest woman on base...
HAROLD
But you're pretty enough. And I'm far from the sharpest knife in the drawer...
MICHELLE
But you're sharp enough.
HAROLD/MICHELLE
Besides, who cares?
(They draw closer to each other and embrace.)
MICHELLE
Hey, Harold? I think this whole thing can be concluded...behind close doors.
(They walk off, stage right. But just before the curtain:
SERGEANT DAVIDSON
(Offstage)
Hey! Nobody told me this was a love story! I demand to be let back on stage! I wanted to see them kiss!
LIEUTENANT MYERS
(Offstage)
Ben, you are such a sicko!
CURTAIN
The Monster in the Closet
You may need: Adobe Flash Player.
THE MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
A ten-minute play
By
Stephyn O
Rock Point School
CHARACTERS: JIMMY, Eight years old HOWARD and MARTHA’S son.
HOWARD, 30’s, JIMMY’S father
MARTHA, 30’s , JIMMY’S mother
MONSTER IN CLOSET, Never to be seen. The closet should give off a red light from its shudders and cracks when it speaks and be able to open and close.
SCENE: Jimmy’s Room
AT RISE: It’s Jimmy’s room, its very dark and there’s a small light coming from the door on the east side, a child’s grumbling can be heard.
(HOWARD walks by and sees JIMMY hiding under the blanket and shaking, he shakes his head disapprovingly.)
HOWARD
You know, son, some day when you get over this fear of the dark, you’ll thank me for taking your silly night-light.
(HOWARD puts his hand in his pocket and takes out a small clown-faced night-light.)
I don’t even get why you need this thing, I think its scarier then the dark.
(He slides it back in his pocket as MARTHA approaches the door.)
MARTHA
Goodnight Jimmy, your father and I love you very much.
JIMMY
(JIMMY screams at them under the covers)
If you really loved me, you’d give me my night-light!
(HOWARD and MARTHA look at each other close the door.)
(No sound is heard for a few moments; JIMMY silently pokes his face out from the covers and looks at the closet.)
(THE CLOSET lets out a red, threatening, light, startling JIMMY under the covers again.)
MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
Yah Jimmy, don’t be a baby. I mean you have me for company and you know I’ll always be here for you. In fact, why don’t you step inside so we can talk?
(The closet doors burst open; all that can bee seen is the red light.)
(JIMMY bends over the side of the bed, grabs a toy and chucks it in the closet. The closet doors slam shut.)
JIMMY
Take that you…you…you big stupid poop head!!!
MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
Now, now Jimmy, it’s not nice to throw stuff at your friends, especially when those friends can pick their teeth with your bones. Hahahahahaha!
(Closet Slams open for a mere moment and we see something get thrown into Jimmy’s bed before slamming shut.)
(JIMMY slowly picks up what flew onto his bed. It’s the toy he threw, though now it has been chewed up and broken.)
MONSTER IN CLOSET
(Sniffing noises)
PEE YEW!!! You know what I smell Jimmy … your fear… or your closet. It smells terrible in here and it’s more than just me. You need to do laundry you little brat. I’m having friends over soon and I don’t want you dirty underwear stinking up the place!
JIMMY
No! It’s my closet I can do what I want with it!
(Closet flies open and a pair of dirty underwear flies out and lands on Jimmy’s head)
Ok that’s it! Mom, Dad, help me!
(Jimmy’s door bursts open with HOWARD holding a tennis racket to beat off what ever has frightened his son. MARTHA stands directly behind him.)
(They look around to see nothing there and they’re faces are instantly full of tired anger.)
(HOWARD lowers the tennis racket.)
HOWARD
Jimmy, it was just a nightmare.
JIMMY
But Dad there’s a monster in my closet!
HOWARD
No buts.
MARTHA
Oh, Howard don’t be harsh on the boy it was his first night with out a night light he’s obviously gonna be scared of the dark .
HOWARD
Fine fine, but when I was his age I use to sleep out in the cold wilderness lying around while bears would stare at me-
MARTHA
Yah, yah, yah. Well, now you sleep with me and I want my foot massage. If you even want to see me in the bed tonight then get to the room and stop patronizing our son.
HOWARD
(Sigh)
I’ll get the rose oil.
(He leaves the room defeated.)
Martha
Goodnight, Jimmy, I love you.
(She closes the door and leaves.)
JIMMY
You know if you eat me then…um…uh my parents are going to call the police and you’re going to be arrested and taken to Alcatraz or Shawshank or something.
MONSTER IN CLOSET
(No sound though Red light shines through cracks)
Jimmy Jimmy, Jimmy, you and I both know your parents wouldn’t that your closet ate you. They’ll probably just think you finally ran away, like you always threaten you will.
(Closet doors burst open revealing red light)
JIMMY
(Looks at the light and begins to cry as he feels himself being slowly pulled towards it off his bed, As he falls off his bed he grabs a old shoe he sees under his bed and chucks it as hard as he can into the light.)
Take that you big bully!
MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
(Closet doors slam shut)
OWWWW!!!! You little brat you just hit me in the eye! You’re lucky you have that night light on or I swear I’d go out there and kick your little as…wait a second…You don’t have your night light, do ya? OH BOY! OH BOY!
(Closet doors smash open very hard, rattling them in their frames and making a huge amount of noise. A loud sucking sound comes from the closet)
(The closet is pulling JIMMY harder and faster then before.)
Hahahahahaha!!!! Give up Jimmy! You’re gonna be my midnight snack one way or another!
JIMMY
Mom! Dad! Tom Cruise! Anyone! Help me please!!!!!!!!!
(Jimmy’s door suddenly bursts open. Both his parents are there, dressed in pajamas, sporting football helmets and armor. MARTHA is holding a hockey stick and HOWARD is holding a tennis racket.)
HOWARD
Don’t worry, Jimmy, I’m here to save you!
(Howard proceeds to put his tennis racket out like a sword and charge into
the closet)
DIE FOUL BEAST!!!!!!
MARTHA
I’m right behind you honey!
(She charges into the closet with a hockey stick!)
FOR NARNIA!!!
Jimmy
Yah Mom and Dad go get him!
(Sounds of fighting are heard then a yelp and a loud squeal.)
MONSTER IN THE CLOSET
(The closet opens wide, the red light on)
Yum, yum, yum. Now that’s what I call home cooking!
(Closet Closes)
Oh wait one more thing, BURP!
(The night-light that was in his father pocket shoots out of the closet into JIMMY’s hands.)
JIMMY
(JIMMY silently gets out of bed, winks at the audience, and plugs in his night light and goes to sleep.)
THE END!
I Absolutely Agree
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I ABSOLUTELY AGREE
A ten-minute play
by
Allison VN
Peoples Academy
characters: Bridget, friend to Cameron and Darin, 16
Cameron, friend to Darin and Bridget, has a
crush on Bridget, 16
Darin, friend to Cameron and Bridget, has a
crush on Bridget, 16
SCENE: A Park
AT RISE: There is a table with three chairs in center stage Bridget is stage left. Cameron is stage right. Darin is sitting at the table in the stage left chair. They each have a book and close them simultaneously. Bridget and Cameron leave their books where they are standing.
Bridget
What an inspirational book!
Cameron
This book sucked.
Darin
I can’t believe that our teacher made us read this! It’s so lame!
Cameron
This is the worst book I have ever read!
(Cameron walks to the table and sits in the stage right chair.)
Darin
Hey Cameron!
Cameron
Hi Darin. Sorry I’m late.
Darin
It’s okay, I know your house is far from this park.
Cameron
Did you read that book for class?
Darin
Yeah. It was awful!
Cameron
I know. I couldn’t stand it!
Darin
Have you called Bridget yet?
Cameron
No.
Darin
I thought you guys were best friends.
Cameron
I thought she was your best friend. What about you, did you call her?
Darin
Nope.
Cameron
Maybe I should do that right now.
Darin
No, I want to call her first.
Cameron
Never! She likes me better.
Darin
Cameron, you know she likes me better.
Cameron
Well let’s just see who she calls first.
Darin
You’re on!
Cameron
Wait. Let’s not make a competition over Bridget. Remember what happened with Rebecca?
Darin
Don’t bring her up! She broke my heart.
Cameron
Yeah, like three weeks after she chose you over me. I dated her first. There are rules against that!
Darin
Yeah, for girls!
Cameron
You know what; I think we should make a competition. And you’ll learn that the girls don’t always pick you.
Darin
I think we’ve already established that the girls do pick me. First there was Rebecca, then Sarah, and Kristen, and–
Cameron
I get it. Let’s just see who Bridget picks.
Darin
Alright, but I’m just warning you, I’m always going to win with girls.
Bridget
Wow this book was so great. I think I’ll call Darin or Cameron.
Cameron
Oh, I hope she calls me.
Darin
I just know she’ll call me!
Bridget
Oh I know who I’ll call.
(Calls)
Cameron
Hello?
Bridget
Hey Cameron!
Cameron
Bridget! Have you read the book for class yet?
Bridget
Yeah. I was just calling you about that.
Cameron
Wasn’t it so–
Bridget
Amazing? Yes!
Cameron
Uh… Well actually I would describe it as–
Bridget
Breath taking?
Cameron
No. I would say it is more like–
Bridget
Wait! I got it. Spectacular!
Cameron
Um…Well what I think was...
(Giving up)
Sure. That’s the word.
Darin
(Aside)
Why did she call Cameron first?
Bridget
I knew I would get the right word!
Cameron
Yeah. That’s the one. What you said.
Bridget
Spectacular... What was your favorite part?
Cameron
(Aside)
When it was over.
Bridget
What?
Cameron
Um… When there was a four leaf clover!
Bridget
Oh. I don’t remember that part.
Cameron
Yeah… uh… it was… very subtle.
Bridget
Oh.
Cameron
Yes, well I gotta go, um talk to you later bye.
(Hangs up)
Bridget
Bye? That was rude. Maybe Darin will be more polite.
(Calls)
Darin
Sup man!
Bridget
Darin?
Darin
Oh! Bridget, I didn’t know it was you. Sorry. I’m so glad you called. Relieved really.
Bridget
Yeah. So did you read that book?
Darin
Yes. I hated it. Didn’t you?
Bridget
Um… yes?
Darin
The whole thing was a complete disaster. Why did we even have to read it?
Bridget
Because it teaches us a good lesson about life!
Darin
What did you just say?
Bridget
I… Uh… I just want to kill it with all my… Strife.
Darin
Okay?
Bridget
…A non-enjoyable book. Yes.
Darin
Right, I should talk to Cameron about our reaction.
Bridget
No! We al–
Darin
You’re right. We should talk to Cameron. Meet me now at the park.
Bridget
I’m already in the park.
Darin
Really? Oh good! Meet me at the table.
Bridget
I’m not so sure–
Darin
The table by the big tree.
Bridget
I–
Darin
See you in a minute.
(Hangs up)
Bridget
What is it with these rude hang ups?
(Walks to table and sits)
Cameron.
Cameron
Oh. Hi Bridget, I haven’t talked to you for a whole three minutes.
Bridget
Hi Cameron. I didn’t know you were with Darin.
Darin
I still can't believe she called you first.
Bridget
Trust me. He was in the mood for getting off the phone. I should have called you first.
Darin
Oh. Okay then. Did you hear her Cameron?
Cameron
Uh-huh.
Darin
So anyway, Bridget thought the book was–
Bridget
Fantastic.
Darin
I’m sorry. Did you just say fantastic?
Bridget
No. I said horrible.
Cameron
Horrible? Really? Because I was beginning to think you actually li–
Bridget
No! I loved the book.
Cameron
But I thought you just said it was horrible.
Darin
Yeah and you just said you loved it too.
Bridget
I do.
Cameron
Huh?
Bridget
Not!
Darin
I’m getting very confused. Do you like the book or not?
Bridget
Uh… I… have very conflicting emotions about it.
Cameron
You told me you liked it.
Darin
And you told me you hated it.
Bridget
…I’m sorry Darin. The truth is that I loved it.
Darin
Why are you saying sorry to me? Cameron hated the book too.
Cameron
Uh… No I didn’t! I loved it! I never said that I hated it!
Darin
Uh, yeah you did. You said you hated it like six minutes ago, right here, to me.
Bridget
But Cameron just told me that he loved it.
Cameron
I do love it.
Darin
You’re such a girl.
Cameron
Am not!
Darin
Girl!
Cameron
No.
Darin
Girly Girl!
Cameron
Never.
Darin
Girlish liar!
Cameron
I'm–
Bridget
Stop!
Cameron
I’m not a liar.
Darin
Yes-huh!
Cameron
Nuh-uh.
Bridget
Forget it.
(Bridget stands)
Let me know when you are both ready to stop being girls.
(She leaves)
Darin
Yes-huh
Cameron
Bridget come back!
Darin
Forget it! She likes me better anyway.
Cameron
No. Just because she said she should have called you first doesn't mean she likes you more.
Darin
Yes it does.
Cameron
No. She likes me better and you know it.
Darin
Really.
(Bridget walking back)
We'll just have to see about that.
Bridget
Are you two ready to be big boys again?
Cameron
I was never little.
Darin
Like I was?
Bridget
Please don't start up again.
Cameron
I was being totally calm.
Darin
Well I was completely honest!
Cameron
Calm.
Darin
Honest!
Cameron
Calm.
Bridget
Please stop it.
Darin
Hon–
Bridget
Stop! Do you hear me speaking? You two need to stop arguing. Sure, being calm and honest are good things, but are they really important enough to argue so much about?
Cameron
Only if they’re important to you.
Bridget
And furthermore, we were all being dishonest. So there.
Darin
No. I didn't lie once... Wait. You were lying?
Bridget
Thank you captain obvious!
Cameron
I’m sorry. I was going to tell you I didn’t like the book but...
Bridget
…But what?
Cameron
But I like you too much.
Bridget
Really?
Cameron
Yes, I’ve always liked you.
Darin
Wait! I didn't lie to you! And I like you too!
Bridget
Really?
Cameron
I liked you way before Darin did.
Darin
So not true!
Cameron
Bridget.
Darin
Bridget!
Bridget
Uh. I gotta go.
(Starts to leave)
Cameron
No wait.
Darin
I agree! You should wait!
Bridget
Why should I?
Cameron
Because I like you.
Darin
And because I do too!
Bridget
I just don't know.
Cameron
Know what?
Bridget
Which one of you to pick.
Darin
Well you have to choose.
Bridget
Uh... I need more time.
Darin
No right now!
Bridget
But–
Darin
Right now!
Cameron
Calm down. It's okay if she needs time.
Darin
Well I’m not giving her any time. It's now or never.
Bridget
…Fine. Then I choose Cameron. You're being a jerk.
Darin
Never it is!
(Starts to leave)
Cameron
Told you.
(Darin turns and sticks tongue out and leaves)
bridget
Hey, do you want to be my partner for the project on that book?
Cameron
Sure. If we talk about–
bridget
How awesome it was?
Cameron
Sure. I was going to say if we talk about what you want to talk about.
bridget
Okay. We should make our project about how the book can create many different opinions.
cameron
I Absolutely Agree.
Shedding Some Lice on the Subject
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Shedding Some Lice on the Subject
A ten-minute play
by
Hannah F
Mount Abraham Union Middle and High School
CHARACTERS: SISTER HEDWIG, a nun who runs an
orphanage in Accra, Ghana
SVEN LARSON, a health inspector from Sweden
GOODLUCK, 13 year old orphan boy at SISTER
HEDWIG’s orphanage
VALIDIA, 13 year old orphan girl at SISTER
HEDWIG’s orphanage
SCENE: SISTER HEDWIG’s study at the orphanage
AT RISE: SISTER HEDWIG is sitting at her desk, doing
paperwork
SISTER HEDWIG
Oh no.
(Puts her head in her hands)
Despite that generous patron last month, there is still no way to fix the leaky roof and get all the children those new toothbrushes I promised them. Oh well, I suppose I can send Goodluck up to the roof with a bit of duct tape and do a more permanent repair next year. Still, I just wish-
(SISTER HEDWIG is interrupted by a sharp rap at her study door. She gets up to answer it.)
SVEN
I’m Sven Larson. From Cleanliness in Accra. And you’re Mrs. Hedwig? I believe that’s what the form said..
SISTER HEDWIG
It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Larson. And my name is Sister Hedwig, actually. Patron saint of orphans, you know. Of course, that’s why I chose Hedwig. I’d always wanted to open my own orphanage, ever since-
SVEN
Well, I’m sure the tale is very interesting, but we need to get down to business, Ms. Hedwig.
SISTER HEDWIG
Sister Hedwig, Mr. Larson.
SVEN
You may be someone’s sister but you’re not mine, Ms. Hedwig. Now please, can we commence with the inspection?
(VALIDIA calls from offstage in a piercing wail)
VALIDIA
Sister Heeeeeedwiiiiiiiiiig! Something absolutely dreadful had occurred!
SISTER HEDWIG
I’ll be with you presently, Validia. Now please hush up, Dearie. I’m talking with the health inspector.
VALIDIA
Sister Hedwig, it’s Goodluck!
(VALIDIA enters just in time to say “It’s Goodluck!”)
SISTER HEDWIG
Oh no.
SVEN
What are you two talking about? What’s the matter with good luck? If I ran this dingy orphanage I know I’d want some.
SISTER HEDWIG
Not this kind of good luck, I’m afraid, Mr. Larson. You see, Goodluck is one of the children here. He’s rather...spirited.
VALIDIA
Spirited my foot! Goodluck is a hooligan, a maniac, a menace!
SVEN
So what has this hooligan done?
VALIDIA
Oh, you’d never guess! This is bad even for him! So bad in fact that I cannot speak of it! The mere thought fills me with horror, and my jaws clamp shut like a louse onto a nicely-dandruffed scalp and-
(VALIDIA stops abruptly and clamps her hand over her mouth.)
Oh dear.
SISTER HEDWIG
Oh dear.
SVEN
Would you two please stop “oh dearing” and tell me what in the world is going on here?
SISTER HEDWIG
Certainly, Mr. Larson. From what I gather from Validia’s rather dramatic explanations, a slight problem had arisen here at Sister Hedwig’s Home For Children. Goodluck, the child I
mentioned earlier, has been keeping a couple of unusual pets for the past few weeks.
SVEN
I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this, Ms. Hedwig. What kind of pet are you talking about?
SISTER HEDWIG
To put it delicately-
VALIDIA
Lice.
SVEN
Lice? You mean to tell me that there is quite literally a lice farm being cultivated at this
orphanage? This is entirely unacceptable!
VALIDIA
And I’m afraid that’s not all.
SISTER HEDWIG
Oh no, Validia, I think that is quite enough, I’m sure Mr. Larson has heard plenty.
SVEN
No, Ms. Hedwig. I find I am quite interested in what Validia has to say.
VALIDIA
It grieves me deeply to say this, but I see I must.
(VALIDIA strikes a saddened position. SISTER HEDWIG makes “stop!” motions behind her)
The lice colony has escaped.
(For a moment there is a shocked silence then,)
SVEN
Let me get this straight. There is a lice colony roaming the halls of Sister Hedwig’s Home for
Children?
VALIDIA
Pretty much. And leaping from head to head and feasting on the orphans who live here. Quite loathsome, isn’t it?
SVEN
Sister Hedwig, this is simply nauseating; although I can’t say I’m surprised. I have long found that so-called “homes for children” are in actuality parasite-infested hell-holes where the orphans live in miserable circumstances and-
SISTER HEDWIG
Mr. Larson, please! All we have are a few mild cases of lice! These accusations are ludicrous! I allow a child to cultivate an unusual pet in the hope of broadening his horizons and suddenly I’m Mrs. Hannigan?
(Just as SVEN prepares to retort, GOODLUCK enters. VALIDIA points at him as soon as he steps through the door and delivers her next line loudly, cutting over the clamor in the room.)
VALIDIA
Halt your bickering, for the vile seed of the problem hath shown itself! There is the culprit:
Goodluck!
GOODLUCK
Me? What did I do?
SISTER HEDWIG
Hello, Goodluck. Mr. Larson, I must apologize for raising my voice.Now, I’ll nip over to the pharmacy and purchase a bottle or two of RID lice shampoo. If there’s anything I need to sign before you leave...?
SVEN
I’m afraid, Ms. Hedwig, that that will not do. It is the policy of Cleanliness in Accra to promptly shut down any orphanage that does not show the highest standard in sanitation. Sister Hedwig’s Children Home will be closed within the week.
SISTER HEDWIG
You’re going to shut down the orphanage? Just like that? But, there must be something we can do!
SVEN
It’s standard policy, Ms. Hedwig. There are no ways around it.
SISTER HEDWIG
Will you please give us a moment, Mr. Larson? I’m sure you understand, this is all rather, well, terrible.
SVEN
(SVEN sighs impatiently.)
Very well. Please be brief though, Ms. Hedwig. We have quite a lot of paperwork to go over about the closure of the orphanage, and I have another appointment at 4:00 sharp.
(SVEN leaves the room. As soon as he leaves SISTER HEDWIG bursts into tears. VALIDIA and GOODLUCK rush to comfort her.)
VALIDIA
Don’t cry, Sister Hedwig, it’ll be all right.
GOODLUCK
Yeah, and lice can smell sadness. Keep up those tears and you’ll have as many lice as Val has theatrical poses.
(SISTER HEDWIG laughs through her tears and wipes her eyes with a tissue. VALIDIA glares at GOODLUCK.)
SISTER HEDWIG
I’m sorry. You’re right. And we don’t have time for tears. We have an orphanage to save.
GOODLUCK
That’s what I’m talking about. So, what’s the plan? I’m thinking we saw a hole in the floor, cover it up with the rug, and tell him to come in. He’ll walk across it, fall in, and bingo, no health inspector.
SISTER HEDWIG
Perhaps if all else fails, Goodluck. But I’d like to avoid violence, and even more important, damage to the floor, at all costs.
VALIDIA
Oh! I have it! Such brilliance! We, along with all the little ones, will give a musical portrayal of our life here at Sister Hedwig’s Home for Children to show the health inspector how wonderful it really is! We can make costumes out of the curtains, scenery out of the appliances, and I can be the star!
SISTER HEDWIG
I’m afraid we don’t have time to plan a full-fledged musical. But, maybe a scene or two...?
GOODLUCK
I’ve got it! See, Val was watching this movie the other day...
(They all lean their heads together and GOODLUCK lowers his voice as he continues talking excitedly. Suddenly, the door bursts open and SVEN stalks in)
SVEN
All, right, Ms. Hedwig, I’ve been waiting long enough.
(Catching sight of SISTER HEDWIG, VALIDIA and SVEN all huddled up with their heads close togher)
Whatever are you doing? Did you hear a word I just said?
SISTER HEDWIG
I’m afraid not, Mr. Larson. You see, Goodluck, Validia and I would like to show you something that we think may change your mind about closing the orphanage. Please take a seat.
SVEN
This is ridiculous! But I’m already absurdly late, so I suppose I might as well.
(SVEN takes a seat, still grumbling to himself. SISTER HEDWIG, VALIDIA and GOODLUCK stand in a line.)
SISTER HEDWIG
One, two, three, hit it!
SISTER HEDWIG, VALIDIA and GOODLUCK
(singing to the tune of “It’s a Hard-Knock Life” from Annie.)
Sister Hedwig’s children’s home,
Is the best place I’ve ever known!
GOODLUCK
Don’t it seem like Validia just won’t shut up?
VALIDIA
Couldn’t Goodluck give lice 4-H a rest?
GOODLUCK and VALIDIA
Once a day I want to throw you out the window
GOODLUCK and VALIDIA
But really you’re the one I love the best
SISTER HEDWIG
I am here for all of
these young children
I care about their dreams and what they think
All I want is my family safe and happy
Please, Health Inspector Sven just let us be!
ALL
Laughter fills each hall and room
Together we feel no gloom!
At Sister Hedwig’s home!
ALL THREE
Sister Hedwig’s home! Sister Hedwig’s home! Sister Hedwig’s home!
(SISTER HEDWIG, VALIDIA and GOODLUCK bow. SVEN is stunned.)
SVEN
I don’t believe this. You mean to say that you actually like it here? All of you?
GOODLUCK
Of course we do. That’s why we performed that whole musical number. What do you think we were trying to do? Exercise our vocal chords?
VALIDIA
Everything we said was true, Mr. Larson. We do truly feel that Sister Hedwig’s Home for Children is a sanctuary of laughter and happiness for each one of us, we do truly all love each other and-
GOODLUCK
And we do truly cultivate lice colonies!
SVEN
Oh, don’t worry, Goodluck. I never doubted that part.
SISTER HEDWIG
Mr. Larson, you can’t take away our home just because of this. I love the children with all of my heart, and they have better lives here than they would have had without this orphanage. Contrary to popular belief, orphanages aren’t always horrible places.
SVEN
I’ve heard that time and time again throughout my life, Ms...Sister Hedwig, but I never believed it. You see, I grew up in an orphanage in Sweden. It was cold, and hungry, and bereft of love, laughter and even hope. When I was fifteen, long after I’d given up hope of having any sort of life, a carpenter chose me as his apprentice, and later, a business partner. Out of the orphanage at last, I began to see that there was still a world, a life waiting for me. And this made me think, then there must be a life for the other orphans. I left my job with the carpenter and set about closing down orphanages and sending children to foster families. I’ve always been so sure I was doing what was right. But what if I was wrong?
SISTER HEDWIG
You weren’t wrong, Sven. Not if you were doing what you thought was best for the children. You recognized something important, years ago when you began your quest, that all children need a chance to discover their world and life. But maybe there was something you didn’t realize. There are as many different ways to find this world as there are children. I now know, after 49 years of running this orphanage, that I began it to help children find their world.
(SVEN sits very quietly, thinking deeply. The others watch him anxiously.)
SVEN
Sister Hedwig, I’ve reached a conclusion.
SISTER HEDWIG
What, Mr. Larson?
SVEN
Please, call me Sven, Sister. I double checked my mental edition of the CIA handbook, and there is nothing about an orphanage needing to be closed up in the case of lice. All that is required is a vigorous shampoo-ing session. I must have been mistaken originally.
VALIDIA
Oh happy day! The orphanage is here to stay! Thank you Sven!
(VALIDIA hugs SVEN, and runs out of the room, calling over her shoulder,)
Come on, Goodluck! If we get started on shampoo-ing the masses now, we’ll be done by supper!
GOODLUCK
Coming, Val! See ya, Sister Hedwig, Sven. Thanks again, Sven. And don’t worry, I’ll be more careful with my tick farm.
SVEN
I think I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that.
(Turns to SISTER HEDWIG)
I still remember a bit of carpentry. If you’d like, I can help you patch a few things up around here. I don’t want to intrude, but if you’d like to have a roof in addition to new toothbrushes I could-
SISTER HEDWIG
Oh Sven, would you really? That would be perfect! Just wait until I tell the children; they’ll be ecstatic! Sven, I have an idea, why don’t you stay for dinner and you can tell them yourself?
We would all be delighted to have your company.
SVEN
There is nothing I’d rather do than eat dinner with you and your family of 23 this evening, Sister Hedwig, even if I catch lice in the doing of it!
SISTER HEDWIG
Oh good. I’ll tell Validia to add another place setting to the table.
VALIDIA
(From offstage)
Siiiiiisteeeeeer Heeeeeedwiiiiiig! You’ll never belive it! It’s Goodluck!
What Went Wrong
You may need: Adobe Flash Player.
What Went Wrong
by Cassie M
Mt Abraham Union High School
Characters:
Will, single and in love with Rose
Rose, a waitress at Joe’s diner
Blake, Will’s best friend
Setting:
Joe’s Diner
At Rise:
WILL and BLAKE are seated at a booth, looking over menus. They are the only customers in the restaurant.
BLAKE
So, dude, are you going to ask her out today?
WILL
Yeah, I guess.
BLAKE
C’mon, man. We come here pretty much every day, and it isn’t because of the food.
WILL
I see nothing wrong with greasy burgers and slightly burnt fries.
BLAKE
My stomach disagrees. Maybe I’ll just go for the grilled cheese today.
WILL
Whatever, I don’t really –
(ROSE enters and stops to wipe down a table before walking towards WILL and BLAKE)
Oh, God, here she comes. How do I look? Do I smell okay? What should I say?
BLAKE
Just relax, man, you’ll be –
WILL
Okay, she’s coming, just BE COOL!
ROSE
Hey, boys, what can I get for you today?
WILL
I’ll have the usual, Rose.
(BLAKE gives WILL a meaningful look, encouraging him.)
(Rambling nervously) And might I say you look very nice today. You’re just nice in general. Actually, you remind me of my dog. She’s nice too. She barks, and you know, fetches things. I trained her to sit, stay and roll over, too. And sometimes –
BLAKE
I think what my buddy, Will here is trying to say is that you seem like a smart, funny and, umm, loyal, woman.
ROSE
Right, okay. Thanks, I guess. (Speaking to BLAKE) What can I get for you?
BLAKE
(Obviously flirting) Whatever you recommend will be perfect.
ROSE
How does the chicken sound? Deep fried in cholesterol. Joe says it’s his specialty.
BLAKE
Sounds great. What sides does it come with?
ROSE
French fries, sweet potato fries or coleslaw.
BLAKE
If the sweet potato fries taste as sweet as you look, I’ll have those.
ROSE
Sounds good.
WILL
Yeah, great. Thanks, Rose.
ROSE
No problem. I’ll get that right in for you two. Shouldn’t be more than a few minutes.
(ROSE exits)
WILL
That went well. I said be cool, Blake. Last I knew, that didn’t mean to make those gaga eyes at her.
BLAKE
One of us had to stop your downward spiral. Comparing her to your dog? Not the best move.
WILL
I called dibs. That means she’s off limits to you.
BLAKE
Fine, I’ll back off. But, really, Will, don’t you know any pick up lines? You know, like, Do you have a band-aid? Because I cut my knee falling for you.
WILL
Where do they teach you these things?
BLAKE
In high school. While you were taking AP Calculus, I had a social life.
WILL
Hey, I do know one. It’s –
(ROSE enters)
BLAKE
Don’t tell me, tell her.
WILL
Oh, yeah, I could do that.
ROSE
Hi, again. Silly me, I forgot to get your drink orders.
BLAKE
Coke for me.
ROSE
That’s funny. Have you ever heard the poem ‘Having a Coke with You?’
BLAKE
Yeah, I have. It’s one of my favorites.
ROSE
Mine, too! Having a Coke with You is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne –
BLAKE
Partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian –
ROSE
I look at you –
BLAKE
And I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world.
WILL
I’ll just have water.
ROSE
Oh, of course. I’ll bring those right out.
WILL
Wait, Rose, I have something to tell you. If you were sin2x, I’d want to be cos2x, so together we’d be one.
(Pause as BLAKE and ROSE look blankly at WILL)
Calculus? It’s a Pythagorean Identity based on basic trigonometric values. Most people with a high school education… Never mind.
ROSE
Right, okay. Anyway, I’ll get those drinks.
(ROSE exits.)
WILL
I told you to stop hitting on her! And now she’s flirting back! How do you even know that poem?
BLAKE
I looked it up so I’d sound smart with girls. And it wasn’t my fault. She was the one that mentioned the poem to begin with. I’m naturally attractive and alluring.
WILL
Put on some sunglasses and a ski mask or something. Just stop!
BLAKE
Your ‘pick up line’ didn’t help at all. What were you thinking?
WILL
You told me to use it!
BLAKE
No, I told you to be cute and cuddly like girls like. I didn’t tell you to insult her intelligence.
WILL
Help me!
BLAKE
Okay, this is what you have to do. Just say, ‘There’s something wrong with my phone. It doesn’t have your number in it.’
WILL
And that works?
BLAKE
Yep.
WILL
On girls?
BLAKE
Well, yeah. I haven’t tried it on guys, but if Rose doesn’t work out for you…
(ROSE enters carrying drinks)
(to WILL) Ready? Remember, something wrong with your phone.
ROSE
(sets drinks on table) Here you go. Can I get you anything else?
WILL
(Gets phone out of pocket) Yeah, there’s something wrong with my phone. (WILL accidently drops phone in his drink) Oh, no!
ROSE
Well, if there wasn’t a second ago, there is now. I’ll go get you another water.
(ROSE exits)
WILL
This is not going well. It’s like Rose and I are magnets with the same polarity. (Blank stare from BLAKE) We don’t work together.
BLAKE
Stop with the nerd stuff. The ladies find smart guys hot, but they have to understand the smart stuff.
WILL
Smart? I would have to drop 60 IQ points to be considered smart.
BLAKE
You might be a genius, but you have no idea what you’re doing with Rose.
WILL
I know, which is why I asked for your help.
BLAKE
Okay, when she comes back, let’s try another one. How about ‘Can you get me a candy bar? Because, like you, they’re totally sweet and one of my favorite things in the world.’
WILL
Seriously, do these actually work for you?
BLAKE
The question should be do these ever not work for me? Either way, the answer is about 50 percent of the time.
WILL
Those aren’t good odds. Maybe if I figured out the probability –
BLAKE
I said stop with the nerd stuff! And just say the line!
(ROSE enters)
Here she comes. Don’t blow it this time.
ROSE
Here’s your water. It tastes better without electronics as flavoring. Can I get you anything else?
BLAKE
Now!
WILL
Um, yeah. Can you get me a candy bar?
ROSE
We don’t sell those.
WILL
(to BLAKE) I forgot the second part!
BLAKE
(to WILL) Just make it up!
WILL
Well, I like candy bars, because like you, they are… usually half nutty, and man-made, and when it’s hot, they melt and are messy and –
BLAKE
(To WILL) And you should stop talking. (To ROSE) He didn’t mean any of that. Did you, Will?
WILL
No, I’m sorry, I just –
ROSE
Don’t worry about it. I think you’re kinda cute.
(ROSE exits)
WILL
Did you hear that?
BLAKE
What?
WILL
That. Rose.
BLAKE
What about her?
WILL
She said I’m cute!
BLAKE
So?
WILL
She said –
BLAKE
I heard.
WILL
What does it mean?
BLAKE
Not much?
WILL
Why not?
BLAKE
Because that’s just something girls say.
WILL
Not to me.
BLAKE
You don’t get out enough.
WILL
I go to work and I come here.
BLAKE
Where you obsess over one chick.
WILL
So?
BLAKE
She’s nice –
WILL
She’s perfect –
BLAKE
But there’s more fish in the sea.
WILL
I want that fish.
BLAKE
You’re not a good fisherman.
WILL
Fishing isn’t hard, I can learn.
BLAKE
You don’t have any bait.
WILL
What?
BLAKE
Or a hook.
WILL
That’s just mean.
BLAKE
It’s true.
WILL
Don’t be so mean.
BLAKE
Don’t be such a girl.
WILL
If you were a better teacher –
BLAKE
I still need a good student.
WILL
I graduated with a 4.0!
BLAKE
Right now, you’re just the ‘0.’
WILL
I’ve got to be doing better than that –
BLAKE
You’re striking out.
WILL
I’ve never played baseball.
BLAKE
I already knew you’ve never hit a home run.
WILL
Uncalled for!
BLAKE
You set yourself up for that.
WILL
Cheap shot.
BLAKE
Maybe.
WILL
Definitely.
BLAKE
A little.
WILL
Yeah.
BLAKE
Okay, but it doesn’t change anything.
WILL
I can’t help that.
BLAKE
Just stop being nervous.
WILL
That’s like asking my heart to stop beating.
BLAKE
Maybe Rose knows CPR.
WILL
I don’t know why I ask you for advice.
BLAKE
Maybe because I’m better at this than you?
WILL
Maybe.
BLAKE
Definitely.
WILL
A little.
BLAKE
Yeah.
(ROSE enters, carrying a tray of food)
Relax, you’ll be fine.
WILL
You sure?
BLAKE
You can’t get much worse.
WILL
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
BLAKE
No problem.
ROSE
Okay, a cheeseburger for Will, and the chicken for Blake.
WILL
Thanks, Rose. Look, I’m sorry about everything I said before. I don’t know what I was thinking.
ROSE
Oh, it’s okay.
WILL
No, it’s not. I was rude, and mean and insulting, and I apologize.
ROSE
Accepted. You know, you don’t need pick up lines to get a girl.
WILL
I don’t?
ROSE
No.
WILL
Oh.
ROSE
There are plenty of girls that think the real you is great.
WILL
Oh, really? Where? I don’t see any of them.
ROSE
Yes, you do. Do you want to go out with me on Friday?
WILL
Are you serious?
ROSE
You don’t have to, I mean, I just thought –
WILL
No, I want to! I just thought this would never happen!
ROSE
Great! Meet me here at seven.
WILL
Will do!
(ROSE exits. WILL gets up, shouting and jumping up and down).
ROSE (offstage)
This is a small diner! I can hear you!
(WILL sits back down)
BLAKE
Smooth. Real smooth.
(BLACKOUT)
I'm Lost in the Woods
You may need: Adobe Flash Player.
I’m Lost in the Woods
A ten-minute play by
Leo P
Middlebury Union High School
CHARACTERS: MIC, a boy scout
Dewey, a bout scout
Speedy Turtle, an old man
SCENE: Out in the woods
AT RISE: Two Boy Scouts are lost in the woods -- as they've wandered away from the rest of the pack on the Long Trail in the Green Mountains of Vermont
MIC
This isn't good, Dewey. This is terrible.
(Dewey looks upset)
I mean you really screwed us over with this one.
DEWEY
Shut up, Mic.
MIC
There's good idea! Or Dewey idea!
(Pause)
I shouldn't have followed you! What where you thinking?
(Pause)
Oh, I forgot. You don't think. That's what makes you Dewey.
DEWEY
If you hadn't let me drink from your water bottle in the first place -- we wouldn't be lost out here anyway.
MIC
Now you’re blaming me?!
DEWEY
Mic, you knew I was lactose intolerant. You knew there was milk in your bottle. Now I'm having this...problem.
MIC
Hey, it was a joke.
DEWEY
Yeah, well I wouldn't be shitting in the woods every five minutes if you weren't such a jerk.
MIC
But I was there for you, man, right when you started to, you know.
DEWEY
When I started to shit my pants.
MIC
Exactly.
(Pause)
It was you deep in the woods, yelling for bumwad! We heard you screaming and I felt bad. As an Eagle Scout, it was my duty to bring you that bumwad, plus the others preasured me. They said, Mic, you gave him the milk. And Dewey's going to stink the whole trip.
DEWEY
What I don't understand is why they aren't looking for us. There should be a bunch of them here by now. Helicopters, maybe.
MIC
They probably are. I think I hear helicopters.
(Pause)
No, that's the sound of your bowels.
DEWEY
Do you think we'll find them before dinner? I know Dave was planning on sharing his Girl Scout cookies. Chocolate ones covered by nuts. I like nuts, as long as there isn't any milk in them.
(Mic interrupts)
MIC
Shut up Dewey -- you know those cookies have cooties.
DEWEY
Yeah I guess so, but I really am hungry. So much has been going out, not much going in. Pretty soon I'm gonna die.
MIC
I bet you are.
(Dewey starts to turn pink)
DEWEY
Not again!
MIC
For crying out loud! Go find a hole!
(Dewey runs off stage to continue releasing fluids)
DEWEY
Bring me bumwad!
(Mic runs off stage)
scene 2
Dewey and Mic sit down by a tree.
MIC
We'll stay here for the night, and look for the others in the morning. We'll make a plan. That's what we do when we're smart. We make a plan.
(Pause)
At least it's a warm night. I don't think we'll die.
(Dewey makes himself comfortable)
MIC
And here --
(Mic picks up the bumwad)
You might need this. It's a little rough, but who cares?
DEWEY
You know, Mic, you're not so bad.
MIC
Shut up you big goof.
(Pause)
Goodnight.
(The two fall asleep. Then an old man comes on to stage (Speedy Turtle), and just stares at Dewey and Mic. Suddenly, Dewey wakes up to go poop again, but see's the old man and goes in his pants)
DEWEY
(Dewey's voice gets high.)
Ohhhhhhhhh! Oooops!
(Pause)
Who are you?
SPEEDY TURTLE
Speedy Turtle. That's the name.
DEWEY
Don't eat me! I'm also lactose intolerant.
SPEEDY TURTLE
What's wrong with you kid?
(Pause)
How about you wake up your friend? Now he looks like somebody I could talk to.
DEWEY
Mic! Wake up!
(Mic wakes up, startled)
MIC
What's going on? Who are you?
SPEEDY TURTLE
Speedy Turtle. I'm an old man, hiking the Long Trail. I've been one of the fastest hikers in the U.S of A, hiking every trail out there now for about forty years. When I started, way back in Ripton, Nixon was President of the United States. The Vietnam War was still being fought. Have they ended that?
MIC
Forty years is a long time on the trail.
SPEEDY TURTLE
It's on my bucket list to hike these mountains before I die.
(Awkward pause)
Anyway, you kids look lost. Or is this like a honeymoon for you two or something?
(Dewey and Mic look at each other – concerned)
SPEEDY TURTLE
Hahaha, Speedy Turtle's just joking kids -- I'm a jokester. The monkeys in these woods think I'm the funniest guy in the trees.
MIC
Sir, what do you want?
SPEEDY TURTLE
Do you need help?
DEWEY
Do you have food sir? I could use a little breakfast. Pancakes? Some maple syrup?
MIC
C’mon Dewey!
DEWEY
Stop being such a jerk! You're supposed to be my friend. We're Boy Scouts. Isn't there some kind of rule about being nice?
SPEEDY TURTLE
Hey, be nice to your friend. He's right. There's too much hate going in this world! I saw wild animals fighting, and that was hate.
(Pause)
How about you kids come with me? My camp is just down yonder. I'll make you some hotpockets or something.
MIC
Fine, let's go.
DEWEY
Score!
Scene 3
(Speedy Turtle and the Boys finally arrive at the camp)
SPEEDY TURTLE
Here we are kids, sit down, make yourself comfortable. I'll fire up the stove and get the hotpockets going. I might even kill a bear, and we can have some fresh meat. Do you like bearpockets?
DEWEY
So, Speedy, how old are you?
MIC
Don’t ask that!
SPEEDY TURTLE
No, that's okay Dewey. I like to see curiosity in young people. It says something about them. It means you're intelligent.
(Pause)
And to answer your question, I'm an old man kids -- sixty, maybe seventy years old.
DEWEY
I hope I live that long.
SPEEDY TURTLE
You probably won't.
(PAUSE)
DEWEY
What?
SPEEDY TURTLE
You're lactose intolerant? People with that thing die early.
DEWEY
But --
SPEEDY TURTLE
Haha, like a said, I'm a jokester.
MIC
Hahaha. Hear me laughing.
SPEEDY TURTLE
So you’re Boy Scouts?
MIC
Yes we are! I'm actually an Eagle Scout.
(Speedy reminisces)
SPEEDY TURTLE
Ahh, I remember when I was a Boy Scout. That was back in the age of Abe Lincoln or George Washington, or maybe earlier. It's when I first fell in love with the woods.
(Pause)
Well, you kids are lucky you have the rest of your lives to be out here in nature. If you live as long as I do, you'll know where you are. You won't be lost.
(Speedy picks up a Hotpocket off the fire.)
SPEEDY TURTLE
Who wants the first Hotpocket?!
DEWEY
Me!
(Speedy as a joke brings it near him, but takes a bite himself to mess with Dewey)
SPEEDY TURTLE
A Jokester! I'm a --
(Speedy starts to cough. He's choking on the hotpocket.)
Help!!!
MIC
What do we do?!!
DEWEY
Try the Heimlich!
(Mic starts to do the Heimlich on Speedy, while Dewey grabs the bumwad to go release fluids again)
MIC
Get back here Dewey!
(Suddenly Speedy falls over, dead. Mic looks in shock, while Dewey walks back)
DEWEY
Is he dead?
MIC
No, we're playing charades -- his word is dead. He's trying to show us what a dead person looks like and he's doing a great job.
DEWEY
It's not nice to joke about the dead that way, Mic. Don't you have any decency?
MIC
Are you trying to wind me up?
(Pause)
You bailed on me, while Speedy was choking, to go take a -
DEWEY
Don't get started on this again. I'm embarrassed, Mic. Can't you see that?
(They both look at each other)
DEWEY AND MIC
What are we going to do?!
Scene 4
(Dewey and Mic stay in position)
MIC
We could bury him, or let the birds eat him.
DEWEY
I have morals Mic.
MIC
What else could we do?!
DEWEY
I don't know.
MIC
Well, we're just going to have to pretend that this never happened. Speedy Turtle never met us. He's not real. We were dreaming.
DEWEY
Shouldn't we tell the others the truth?
MIC
Don't even say that Dewey!
DEWEY
I just feel bad.
MIC
We didn't do anything wrong Dewey -- the man choked. He was old. He wanted to feed us bad things.
DEWEY
Oh look – a bird is nibbling at his nose!
(Pause)
We’re bad people Mic, letting this happen.
MIC
We're not bad Dewey, we're just regular people in an extraordinary situation. We're Boy Scouts, remember. It's the whole point about being Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts are good. And remember, the situation is extraordinary.
DEWEY
Extraordinary? What good could come out of this?
MIC
In ten years we can write our story, of course. Make ourselves out to be heroes, which will involve exaggeration -- but we could really get rich off of this. I can see it now. A movie. An Academy Award for each of us.
DEWEY
Well, we know where you’re going when -
MIC
I kick the bucket -- come on live a little Dewey.
(Pause)
It's what Speedy would have wanted.
(The two boys become suddenly very quiet - the hear the other scouts)
DEWEY
Do you hear that? The others are over there!
MIC
I hear them alright.
DEWEY
Well, let's go then.
MIC
I can't.
(Dewey looks confused as usual)
MIC
Listen kid -
DEWEY
I'm older than you Mic.
MIC
We've experienced something not a lot of kids have before. Dewey, Not only have we made it out here in the woods --
DEWEY
For one night.
MIC
We've made great friends with the natives, Speedy Turtle for example.
DEWEY
Ok -- I knew one of us would come back crazy.
MIC
I'm just trying to say, that -- this has turned out a lot more fun than I thought it would.
DEWEY
Fun? You were just freaking out a minute ago.
(PAUSE)
How is this fun?!
MIC
Let's stay out in the woods! Not go back with the others. We can live like speedy, off of Hotpockets.
DEWEY
You took the Hotpockets?
MIC
Yes!
(Pause)
My mind was confused before, but I just realized -- this is what life is about. Living out in the wild, meeting strangers who choke on hot pockets, this has been just great.
DEWEY
Mic, pull yourself together! The others are going to get away, we need to go now.
MIC
It's either stay with me, or go with them. You choose.
DEWEY
You’re crazy man - I'm going with them.
MIC
Tell them, I'm happy now.
DEWEY
You know how to make it back home from here right?
MIC
Yeah.
DEWEY
Ok, well have a good one. See you in a few days.
MIC
I'm going to stay out here, Dewey.
DEWEY
Yeah yeah -- it was nice knowing you.
(Dewey walks off stage. Mic walks around for a second.)
MIC
Ok, yup, I'm bored.
(He walks off stage.)
THE END
The Tree Man
You may need: Adobe Flash Player.
The Tree Man
By Cameron S
Lothrop Elementary
Characters:
Filbert: 38 year old guy that lives in his hobo hut in the middle of the woods.
John: 35 year old man that works for a logging company that is now in the process of finding good trees to chop down.
Setting: Filbert’s hobo hut in a Vermont forest, with John spraying paint on trees to indicate the ones to cut down.
Filbert
Whoa! Hey man! What you doin ta mah trees! Man, these trees belong to the forest! Ya can’t just chop em down! They got feelings to yah know.
John
Hey, what are you doing out here! This is restricted area confined to the John Wilem Logging Company, which is owned and named by me, thank you for asking.
Filbert
One, I didn’t ask, and B, like I said, these trees got feelins too! In fact, you should be arrested for your crimes against the trees.
John
Look, I don’t know how the forest can own the trees, unless you are using personification, my friend. And of course, I bought this land from its former owner, Filbert B. Arlingtome.
Filbert
Um, news flash, I am Filbert Q. Arlingtome Jr.
John
So what, your dad sold this land to me, and how do I know you are actually his son. Show me some proof.
Filbert shows John a piece of paper.
John
Okay. Now I know you are Filbert Jr, but that is a picture of a six year old for the cupcake club, though I do see the resemblance.
Filbert
So now yah know who I am, let’s keep arguing about da trees. I believe that the trees should have a chance to speak. That is my job in life. To protect the trees. Yah see, when I was a boy, back when ma dad still owned the forest, I used to come out here and camp out under the stars. Until one day, I got lost. Since then, I have lived here, in my hut, what some would call it, but to me, it is a mansion. Since then, I have lived here, camping in the elements, cooking over a camp fire. Hunting using nothing but a bow, and on some occasions, I will use a knife. But I make sure I use all of the animal. Otherwise, the forest would get mad at me, and force it’s wrath upon me!
John
Touching, strange, but touching. I understand your problem, but I still have right for these woods, but then again, I do have a heart and…
Johns phone starts to ring and he takes it out of his pocket.
John
Hello? Yup. Yeah, of course. No, just some hippy. Yeah, I think we should call it off. Yeah, I know. Wait, $100,000! Now my mind has changed!
Filbert
You’re not going to chop down the forest? Awesome! Thank yah so much!
John
No way! We’re going to earn $100’000 baby! Woo hoo! I can finally get that game room I wanted!
Filbert
You’re kidding, right? I just took so much air and time to give that huge speech, and now you goanna just chop it down again?! What is life?
John
Life is good fil boy, especially when you got $100,000 on your hands!
Filbert
I can’t believe you! You just warm up your heart to the forest, and then you change your mind for 100,000 dollars! I can’t take this Crap anymore!
John
Woosh! Hold it back sweary. Man, now I can retire at 36!
Filbert
Retire at 36?! Dude it’s only 100,000 bucks. How old are you anyways?
John
35 my friend!
John looks at his watch, screams, and takes out bottle of spray paint.
John
Man, I gotta get back to spray painting your precious trees!
Filbert
For the last time, they are not mine, they belong to the forest! I just speak for them. Besides, can’t you hear the wind speaking?
John and Filbert cup their left ears and slowly move their heads to the left.
John
Filbert, Filbert, Filbert. I’m sure I may believe you if there was any wind to listen to.
Filbert
Wait here.
Filbert runs out of sight and says with a mystical voice..
Filbert
John, don’t chop down the trees! They are your friends! Listen to the wind.
John
Filbert, get out of there. I know that’s not the wind. Get over here!
Filbert
No! That was the wind. This is just where I go to fart! (Makes fart noises)
John
Filbert, your bathroom is a can hidden behind a baby tree. I think you don’t fart over there just to be polite.
Filbert
Man, I thought you would buy it!
John
Oh, man I’m hungry. Got anything to eat?
Filbert
Actually, I do have some things, I may spare you a piece, because I never get to talk to anyone anymore.
Filbert rummages through bag, and pulls out a slab of meat, rips off a piece and hands it to John
Filbert
Only the best!
John
Dude, raw venison, really?
Filbert
It’s nice and fresh, caught it this morning.
John
Can you at least make it a stew?
Filbert
Fine.
Filbert rummages through bag and takes out a bowl, water bottle and can of spices. He pours them together in the bowl, takes the venison, rips it up and puts it in the bowl then hands it to John.
John
Thanks, I guess.
John eats soup.
Filbert
Glad you enjoyed it. Maybe you will change your mind about the forest?
John
Well, try to compare 100,000 dollars to raw venison soup. It’s gonna take a lot more to change my mind.
Filbert
Look, do you consider us friends?
John
Well, I guess so.
Filbert
Well, by destroying the forest, you will take your best friend’s home away from him!
John
Dude, my best friend lives in Montana, that’s really far away from Vermont.
Filbert
Well, you’d be taking away the home of one of your friends! But seriously, a friend in Montana? Dude find a friend in Vermont.
John
Tsk tsk. I have my methods of getting to him.
Filbert
Tsk tsk really?
John
Tsk tsk yeah.
Filbert
Is that true, well, I’m full of surprises. A matter of fact, this one time, I was with my friend, and then I…
Filbert punches John in the face. (Don’t have Filbert really punch John)
John
Ow! That really hurt! Watch your self control. Aw god.
Filbert
I will punch you again if you question me!
John
Okay okay! I agree with you! Just watch that fist! I can have you arrested! And I can get a good lawyer with 100,000 dollars!
Filbert
Wait, how can you agree with me, and get 100,000 dollars?
John
Because if you punch me, I don’t agree with you. But if you don’t, you keep the forest.
Filbert
Okay, I won’t hit you!
John
Well, I knew that a five star hotel in this forest would never work.
Filbert
Wait, you were clearing the land for a hotel?
John
Yeah, that’s where the money comes from.
Filbert
That’s a tough decision. Five star hotel, or the forest.
John
That is pretty tough.
Filbert
One thing to say for that. Got another can of spray paint?
John
Wait, what? You took all this time to try to convince me to NOT chop the trees down, and you finally convince me, and now you want to chop them down?!
Filbert
So what? I'm a free man and I have a choice to do what I want.
John
Yet again, I own the land and I can do whatever I want with it, and I choose to preserve it. Maybe make it a hiking trail!
Filbert
Lame! There is no way I’m going to let you take a five star hotel from me! I’ve already made plans on what I’m going to do. I’ll build a house outside the hotel sneak in for the all you can eat buffet, then make a break for it!
John
There is no possible way for you to sneak into the buffet, sneak out, then not get caught.
Filbert
Um, yeah, there is! I just have to find someone who stays at the hotel, wait for them to come out, then I attack them and take there cloths, then sneak in, get the food and go back out. Its genius!
John
Actually, it’s not. You are not allowed to take food outside the hotel.
Filbert
Then I’ll just eat it in there.
John
Well, that could work. But I don’t know anybody that has a beard that’s about 1 and a half feet long.
Filbert
I can shave it!
John
Yeah, but you would take away the home of trillions of tiny bugs!
Filbert
(Sniffs) That hurts in here. (Says while pointing to chest)
Filbert starts to cry a little.
Filbert
I thought I was your friend.
John
Aw man, dude, Filbert, don’t cry! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings!
Filbert stops, sniffs, and wipes a pretend tear off his face.
Filbert
You really mean it?
John
Yes I do. I really do. I’m sorry I offended your beard.
Filbert
That’s okay. I’ve decided to agree with you about the trees.
John
Awesome! Well I gotta get going.
Johns phone rings and he takes it out of his pocket.
John
Yeah… We’re not cutting it down… another guys going to do that one… okay cool.
Filbert
What was that about?
John
Some other guy is cutting another forest. The one by Route 3.
Filbert
Gasp! That’s the one I grew up in!
John
I thought you grew up in this one!
Filbert
I grew up in a lot of forests.
John
I’m not following.
Filbert
Okay you got me! I’m just a guy that messes with wood cutters. Congratulations my friend. You are my 100th customer! I should give you a hug!
John
Please don’t.
Painting for Lives
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Painting for Lives
A ten-minute play
by
Katherine M
Williston Central School
1
CHARACTERS:
JAQUES: a young artist that is running out of inspiration and creativity, 21
PIERRE ROBERTS: JAQUES agent, demanding and greedy, 42
NORA: A little girl in presence, actually an angel who inspires JAQUES, 9
SCENE: JAQUES studio
AT RISE: JAQUES talking in a stressed out tone to PIERRE over Telephone
JAQUES
I am sorry Mr. Roberts…yes sir I will try my hardest to get a last painting done by tomorrow for the show. There is a problem, I can’… I have run out of Ideas.
PIERRE ROBERTS
(Bursting through the studio Stage Right door, holding his cell phone up to his ear, then which he closes phone and clenches in his fist.)
I offered you this deal 3 months ago! You have made art critics cry with the paintings you’ve done for me. You need one more painting and all of a sudden NO IDEAS? What? This can’t happen, Jaques. There’s a million dollars on the line here and you can’t paint one last painting? You must do everything humanly possible to get that painting done! You got me!?
JAQUES
Yes, sir. I’ll try.
PIERRE ROBERTS
You won’t try, Dupont. You will do. Good day to you.
(Pierre storms out the door and stomps down the street.)
JAQUES
(Stands in the middle of his studio in shock then slumps over to an arm chair in the corner and closes his eyes. He opens them and gets up, pacing back and forth. He goes over to his work space and sits down. He stares at a blank piece of paper then looks up to the window and sees a little girl staring at him. She comes in to the studio.)
Hello and might I help you or something?
2
NORA
Well I think I should do the helping. Hi I’m your guardian Angle. It’s clear that you can’t get any ideas for your painting that has to be done for tomorrow. Your agent is freaking out and you are about to blow. Am I right?
JAQUES
(Shocked)
Why… Yes and how did you know that?
NORA
Oh, my dad is an artist. He gets in a variation of this situation. He is always getting in trouble with his new sculptures in the Amazon. People don’t like them so they keep getting destroyed….great way to see your art work go down in flames. What is your name?
JAQUES
Jaques, Jaques Dupont
(Completely dazed)
NORA
I know silly! Just making sure you were the right person. I was sort of losing you. I have seen your work before…in fact, all of your work. No offense, but it needs more color. Hey, you know what? Can I be your inspiration for this painting? It does not have to be about me. Just look around the room. Look at all the things that could inspire you. I need you to do it because if I help you and you succeed I get my wings!
(Room starts to fill with color and fun little things that were not there before, and things that do not exist in the real world.)
JAQUES
(Looks up completely shocked about the room’s appearance)
Um…
NORA
Don’t freak out. Welcome to my imagination. My father has an even bigger one than this! Imagine making the whole world and making it come to life! You have got to have a great imagination! The reason I’m not using your imagination is because I could not get into yours. It was locked and the lock was rusted from no use so I dumped that idea and decided to show you mine. What do you think?
JAQUES
A few questions…what just happened? What are imagination locks? I’m in your imagination? By the way you have good taste kid. This room is amazing!
3
NORA
Oh that’s not me. That’s what you want it to look like. See, I am letting you share the powers of my imagination. All right you can think of anything and it will appear in this room.
JAQUES
All right show me a rainbow.
(Rainbow fabric is run across the stage from Stage Right to Stage Left)
Wow, I really need to look at the color wheel more. Show me a waterfall with a tavern underneath.
(A piece of watery looking fabric comes in from the pin rail. The fabric has a slit in it and bubbles come out from it.)
Wow!
(All of a sudden the vision fades. Strobe lights represent interruption)
PIERRE ROBERTS
(Enters the studio)
What are you doing, Jaques? I told you to get going. What is this child doing here? No distractions! Get out child, leave! Do not distract this man!
(Nora heads for the door, but then hides behind a huge shelf. P has his head turned. He stomps out the door.)
JAQUES
You can come out now, Nora. Hey, turn on the imagination again.
NORA
Hey Jaques, think of some more things that you could do your painting on.
PIERRE ROBERTS
Sorry Nora, but I kind of lost it when Pierre came in. I have to ease myself back in. If he keeps popping in on us, I will never get a good inspiration for my painting.
NORA
You just have to focus ok? Think up a place you have always wanted to be in.
JAQUES
Um… ok, let’s see. Oh, I know. I want to be on a mountain early in the morning, in Japan, in a temple with clouds encircling it.
(Fog and flowing Japanese cloth enter the room. Windows and workspace must still be seen.)
Oh wow! I have never been out of France for my own pleasure.
4
NORA
Oh, but you’re still in France. It is just the appearance of the place in Japan. Hey, let’s try your imagination! Ok. Let’s see. Breathe deeply…
(Lights go out. A quick strobe for interruption and lights come back up to see Mr. Roberts dragging Nora out of the studio. He throws her aside and locks the studio.)
JAQUES
Oh, no! I am locked in and Nora her imagination! I will never be able to get my painting done. What was she saying about focusing and breathing? SNAP out of it, Jaques! You’re talking to yourself. You’re going crazy! Just calm down and focus. Breathe and focus, in and out.
(Lights slowly dim and J is standing in the middle of the room.)
JAQUES
(A bright flash of color fills the studio and colorful visions from photo projectors dance on the walls. Jaques slowly opens his eyes and looks around.)
Wait a minute… is this? This is… This is my imagination! Oh this feels so wonderful! Look what I can do!
(He walks around the room making different visions appear on the walls. A snow drop lightly sprinkles small pieces of silver paper that will reflect off the blinking colored lights. Jaques opens his eyes in amazement. Different images flick on and off as he looks around the room. He walks slowly to his desk and gets a pencil and paper scribbling vigorously.)
JAQUES
I’ll draw a small cabin with children playing and pie in the window sill. I will draw cities filled with all different kinds of people. I will draw the future. I will draw the past. I will draw until my time is up. I will draw everything I can that I have never seen before. This is the start of a new type of art. The art of the Imaginary Real World!
(The rainbow fabric runs across the stage and shows the studio empty but full of color.)
A Brick Oven
You may need: Adobe Flash Player.
A Brick Oven
Jack MC
Vergennes Union High School
CHARACTER LIST: Kevin - 29 Years. Exhausted from working this job. Fed up with mundane everyday things.
George - 31 Years. Puts up with most everything, a bit bigger than Kevin.
AT RISE
KEVIN and GEORGE are working at a probation assigned factory building deconstructing boxes on a conveyer belt. The room is in shambles with racks upon racks of old boxes, books and papers.
___
KEVIN
Hello, George.
GEORGE
Hey Kevin, what’s up?
KEVIN
All the same shit, you?
GEORGE
Ha, you have to ask? Absolutely nothing man.
KEVIN
Guess I shouldn’t expect anything more from the George the great.
GEORGE
This again? Really? Whatever man let’s just get this over with.
(The men begin to work deconstructing boxes)
KEVIN
Why don’t we do more George?
GEORGE
What?
KEVIN
You know- anything else, anything- exciting.
GEORGE
Because it’s not the movies dude
KEVIN
Why can’t it be?
GEORGE
Really? You’re going to have an existential conversation about how our lives suck?
KEVIN
I’m being serious.
GEORGE
I know, that’s what scares me.
KEVIN
Oh please, like either of us have had any excitement in the past lifetime.
GEORGE
I’ve had plenty of excitement, including that time, when you got me stuck in this shitty job
KEVIN
Really? You don’t have anything else you can come up with? You remind me of it every day, it’s getting old.
GEORGE
You know what is getting old Kevin? THIS JOB!
(Simultaneously they throw down their work and storm off in different directions)
GEORGE
Kevin, we can’t keep doing this everyday!
KEVIN
Maybe we should go to couples counseling…
GEORGE
Aha, very funny. But I’m serious, we’re friends.
KEVIN
I know, I know I’m just-- sick and tired of the same mundane routines day in and day out
GEORGE
Trust me, we all are. But what can we do about it?
KEVIN
(Grinning)
I know what we can do.
GEORGE
This isn’t another one of your hair brained schemes is it?
KEVIN
What?
GEORGE
I know what you’re thinking, no banks. Just no, Kev.
KEVIN
All I’m saying is let’s do something for ourselves for once!
GEORGE
Kevin, this is exactly why we’re here in the first place, I’m not going to be screwed over again!
KEVIN
Trust me, George.
GEORGE
Oh please,
KEVIN
We can do this George, I know it.
GEORGE
I thought you knew the exact same thing last time Kevin.
KEVIN
But you know how great it will be if we pull it off
GEORGE
No, I don’t. Because you haven’t told me what “it” is.
KEVIN
Are you with me then?
GEORGE
NO! I don’t want to hear it Kevin.
KEVIN
I can’t do this alone- George.
GEORGE
So don’t do it Kevin, plain and simple.
KEVIN
You know you want to.
GEORGE
What I know, Kevin, is that if we even try whatever you’re thinking about, we will be thrown in jail so fast you won’t even have time to miss this hell hole of a job.
KEVIN
There is literally no way we could end up in jail.
GEORGE
Kevin, just…
KEVIN
(Interrupts)
No George, I can’t keep doing this shit anymore. I can’t be anybodies worker bee anymore.
GEORGE
I know Kevin- trust me. We can’t just, we can’t.
KEVIN
Just hear me out.
GEORGE
Kevin, I’m not going to follow you in another get rich quick scheme, they don’t work. And they never will.
KEVIN
George, I’ve put a lot of thought into this already.
GEORGE
That is exactly what I’m worried about, you’re just too cock sure, you think anything would work.
KEVIN
But that’s just it! It will work, it has too. Here, I brought this for you, it’s a preview of what we’re doing.
(Kevin pulls out sealed box)
GEORGE
Kevin. I know this job sucks. I know our lives are horrible, but its only temporary, we’re on a bad streak. We can get out of this together. But I need you to not do- this, I need you to not even think about it. Just put those away, you shouldn’t have even gotten them.
KEVIN
Well, I’m sorry then, I’ve already thought about it George. But, I can’t do it alone.
GEORGE
So what? What if I don’t help you?
KEVIN
Then I’ll die in a blaze of Glory.
GEORGE
Oh please, the only glory you’ll get is if you finally manage to beat me in an arm wrestle!
KEVIN
No really. George, I’m going to do this. With, or without you. If you want a piece of the cake, you have to help me bake.
GEORGE
(Bursts out laughing)
KEVIN
(Smacks George aside the head)
GEORGE
OW! What did you do that for?
KEVIN
I’m not joking.
GEORGE
Fine, Kevin you can have your fun. But I’m not going to help you, no matter what you say.
KEVIN
Be that way you pompous ass, have fun living in slavery. Fool.
GEORGE
Really? You’re going to walk away from me now? Whatever, you’ll come crawling back eventually.
KEVIN
Keep telling yourself that, if you don’t come with me now, it’s over.
GEORGE
Maybe, we should get that couples counseling.
KEVIN
Not the time, nor the place George.
GEORGE
Kevin, you know I’m not going to come with you. You stuck me in this shitty job to begin with, so you think I’m going to come with you again! God, you must be an idiot. Kevin, we’ve been friends for a while and I wouldn’t like it to end like this, we’re just on edge because we work way too much, and are severely underpaid. We can work things out, I just need you to stick with me.
KEVIN
Not this time buddy, I’m sick and tired of being a working bee, I want to see the world experience the world like it was meant to be. If you don’t want to come, fine by me, you’ll just be missing the time of your life.
GEORGE
I guess it’s good bye.
KEVIN
Good Bye George.
(George departs)
I never knew that creating a bakery was such a dangerous idea.
The Consultant
You may need: Adobe Flash Player.
The Consultant
A ten-minute play
By
Russell J
U32
CHARACTERS:
ALLEN, 30, who works at a consulting firm
BOB, 50, Allen’s boss at firm
TIM, 28, close friend of Allen who works at McDonald’s
MARGARET “MARGE”, 43, the secretary
SCENE: in grouping of cubicles on the11th floor of the firm’s office building
AT RISE: lights up. Allen is practicing “stop, drop and roll” when BOB comes in with a clipboard looking for him.
BOB
…..Allen…what are you doing?
ALLEN
If a plane comes through that window and the jet fuels ignites a fiery explosion I shall not die a barbecued chicken! With “stop, drop and roll” I shall be as phoenix rolling from the flames anew!
BOB
Look Allen, a plane isn’t going to crash into this office, the odds are astronomical! Now if you would please, look over these budget plans I have created for the Smith family.
ALLEN
Ah the Smith family, such a wonderful wholesome image they present. Or are they what they appear to be? A 100,000 dollars is what they wired to a numbered Swiss bank account. I suspect that they are involved with the Russian mafia, though I can’t yet prove it. That would explain Mr. Smith’s mysterious accent, the scent of vodka on his breath and those disgusting caviar eggs stuck in his bottom teeth. I believe they are going to use this money to corrupt our political system. By creating a superpac hell bent on getting Ron Paul elected. Or as they call him “Magneto”. The Smith’s would thus insure we are in chaos when they make their strike against us!
BOB
Haven’t I told you to stop watching the Hunt for Red October? There isn’t any God damn Russian invasion! I know you think you’re always on to something big but you’re just acting like an idiot! Do I need to call in Marge?
ALLEN
NOOO! Not the witch! She’ll turn me into a frog! Why haven’t we burned her at the stake yet? Seriously we could make a party out of it, maybe a barbecue at Tim’s house.
BOB
That’s it Allen. MARRRGE!
(MARGE enters)
MARGE
Can I help you?
ALLEN
BE GONE SATAN! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
BOB
You see what I’ve been dealing with?
MARGE
Allen, do I have to send you to timeout?
ALLEN
No! I’ll be good, I promise! I can’t ever go back! The gang will kill me! I already crossed the desk hunters once, I’ll be better I swear!
BOB
Alright that’s better, you can go Marge.
MARGE
The stuff they don’t put in the job description…
BOB
No really, you can go now Marge.
MARGE
Whatever
(MARGE exits)
BOB
(sighs)
Now, Allen. Will you please look these plans over?
ALLEN
…Bob…did you drink the coffee?
BOB
What?
ALLEN
DID YOU DRINK THE COFFEE?
BOB
Calm down Allen, uh…yea I guess I had a few cups why? Did you?
ALLEN
Of course not, you know my suspicions about the coffee here being poisoned.
BOB
Right… then why did you ask?
ALLEN
A source of mine has corroborated some very disturbing information.
BOB
…Well what is it??
ALLEN
It would appear that someone… probably a Russian, likely to have bad teeth and tight pants…poisoned your coffee…
BOB
You’re joking right?
ALLEN
This is no time for jokes Bob! Your life is at risk! Now, tell me, do you have any enemies? Anyone who would wish you harm? Perhaps an ex-lover? Are you a spy? Well are you??
BOB
For God’s sake! I’m not a spy! And if the coffee was poisoned I would have felt it by now, I had three cups!
ALLEN
You do look awfully pale Bob…
BOB
Allen…
ALLEN
And you seem to be having mood swings. Bob……are you…pregnant?...Or do you just feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body?
BOB
No, but you make me want to take a maternity leave.
ALLEN
Is that like fat camp? I got sent to fat camp once; it was awful! One kid tried to eat me! Another died snorting a whole gallon of low fat peanut butter!. I was number 03581…they crammed us into mini-vans… (Shudders) I’ve got an awful past in fat camp…
BOB
No… Allen it’s not like fat camp. Wait someone tried to eat you? Oh never mind, will you take these plans now?
ALLEN
Bob I’d love to, but I’m afraid I’ve heard the call.
BOB
What call?
ALLEN
The call from some random canyon to join this nation’s military!
BOB
Really? And what branch are you thinking of joining?
ALLEN
Neighborhood Watch.
BOB
Allen…the Neighborhood Watch isn’t a part of the military. They are an organization dedicated to protecting people’s homes.
ALLEN
No I saw it on CNN! They were the ones who took out Osama Bin Laden! Though, I just can’t figure why he had skittles and Ice tea on him.
BOB
There’s just no arguing with you is there?
ALLEN
How can you argue with the truth Bob?
BOB
You’re beginning to sound like my wife Allen! Now, will you look these over?
ALLEN
I cannot! I must find Joseph Kony before he abducts any more children! Kony 2012 Bob!
BOB
Let me guess, Micheal Jackson’s brother?
ALLEN
Uh No bob, Good guess though. He’s a Ugandan warlord who abducts children!
BOB
So where exactly are you looking for this, “Kony” fellow?
ALLEN
I’m glad you asked Bob, I’ve spoken with a few of my neighborhood watch buddies and their scouring the area as we speak, mostly around playgrounds. The children have already been instructed on who Kony is so they can at least scream monster when their abducted.
BOB
Allen how can you already be friends with people from the neighborhood watch?
ALLEN
I sent them an e-mail earlier today. They’re really friendly! Their like a friendly CIA in your neighborhood.
BOB
Well isn’t that…comforting? Let me guess, hoodies aren’t allowed.
ALLEN
Yea! How did you know? Jeez you’re smart Bob! But I don’t need a hoodie. We get our own uniforms! Their pretty nice! Only, there’s a weird cross thing on the sleeve but I think that’s just our symbol.
BOB
I’m sure you guys have a strict “don’t ask don’t tell” policy.
ALLEN
Wow, Bob you’re just like Jerry Seinfeld!
BOB
…Really? How so?
ALLEN
You’re not funny.
BOB
Are you kidding me? Jerry Seinfeld is hilarious! And he was funny without using swears!
ALLEN
You’re right Bob, he didn’t need swears…he needed funny jokes.
BOB
Whatever. I don’t see why this is such a big deal to you. I mean come on, this is ridiculous!
BOB
Uh…so…about the budget plans?
ALLEN
But Bob! The “Hunger Games” just came out! I have to see it!
BOB
What’s the “Hunger Games”?
ALLEN
I’m not sure I think it may be some sort of eating competition with scenes of “Twilight” mixed in.
BOB
Sounds like a real box-topper.
ALLEN
“Box topper”? What are you Gandhi? How about an epic thriller!
BOB
Sure…let’s go with that.
ALLEN
May the odds ever be in your favor!
BOB
What does that mean?
ALLEN
I don’t know, but it sounds meaningful.
BOB
Any other lines you would like to share?
ALLEN
I VOLUNTEER!!!
BOB
Really??
ALLEN
No.
BOB
If you are quite finished, I would like you to look these over.
ALLEN
I have a dream!..
BOB
Oh Jesus.
ALLEN
That there will be a day when I will not have to look over budget plans! Where there won’t be witches! Where Russians will never take us alive! And we can have a barbecue at Tim’s house!
BOB
Are you finished?
ALLEN
Uh I don’t know Bob…is the work ever really finished? The road to freedom is long indeed…
BOB
Since when was this about equal rights? What about equal responsibilities? I just want you to look this over!
ALLEN
Tim can look it over. I’ve been assigned a special task. To hunt down thy demon witches and slay them! Thus destroying the influence of Lucifer the unholy angel! The Dark Prince! He who shall burn in eternity for his sins!
BOB
You’ve been watching the “Christians United” channel haven’t you?
ALLEN
Repent heathen! Repent!!!
BOB
Why can’t you just throw out your TV like last time?
ALLEN
That was a one-time thing! Jersey Shore came on and I panicked!
BOB
Can you please just cut down on the TV? Look Allen if you don’t clean up your act…well, this just isn’t going to work out…
ALLEN
What do you mean?
BOB
I’ll…I will have to let you go.
ALLEN
What are you saying?
BOB
YOU WILL BE FIRED!!!
ALLEN
But Bob….we’ve been through so much together…
BOB
I’ve only known you since last week!
ALLEN
…feels like a lifetime doesn’t it Bob?
BOB
Oh it sure does. But let’s be clear here, I do have the power to fire you.
ALLEN
Oh yeah? Well I will just have to have a little talk with Tim then.
BOB
Who the hell is Tim?
ALLEN
Oh just a friend of mine. He works at McDonalds’…management track.
BOB
How could Tim possibly help you?
ALLEN
Oh he gives really good advice! His keen insights, his amazing business acumen…and he makes a mean M+M swirl. He’s like a sage! I honestly think he may be the smartest man in the world.
BOB
A guy who works at McDonalds?
ALLEN
Hey, he’s on the management track! He’s going places! Why don’t we have a management track, Bob?
BOB
We do, you’re just not on it. In fact you’re on the soon to be fired track.
ALLEN
Is that injustice I hear you uttering? Is that intolerance I hear in your voice?... Or is it demonic possession? I have so many skills that would be fit for management! Like….Motivational speaking!
BOB
You’re just motivating me to fire you.
ALLEN
Bob is all this hatred coming from your boring name? You know that was your parents’ fault right? Though there is a high chance they could have been possessed at the time. Maybe you should see a therapist or something. You know… work it out. Maybe get in touch with your raging insecurities. You could see Tim if you wanted. That’s what I do. He works miracles!
BOB
I don’t think I’m the one who needs to see a shrink here and what do you mean a “boring name?” Bob is a very interesting name!
ALLEN
Whatever you say Bob, but just know there are 800 million other Bobs out there who think the same thing.
BOB
There are not 800 million Bobs!? Oh to hell with it! Now will you please, please look over these budget plans?
ALLEN
Bob I’m afraid you may be uninformed of what is going on right now…
BOB
Oh yeah, that’s my problem!
ALLEN
Bob did you know that every sixty seconds….a minute goes by?
BOB
Wow Allen I had no idea! Now will you PLEASE look these over?
ALLEN
I will look over your plans if you answer this riddle..
BOB
You’ve gotta be kidding me.
ALLEN
What does man love more than life
Fear more than death or mortal strife
What the poor have, the rich require,
and what contented men desire,
What the miser spends and the spendthrift saves
And all men carry to their graves?
BOB
Let’s see…knowing you, it is something really obvious and yet not in your face. Is it….nothing?
ALLEN
(Gasp) Oh you’re good, you’re very good! Alright, you’ve won this round Bob, but don’t expect to be so lucky next time!
BOB
Are you going to look over those plans now?
ALLEN
Indeed I shall Bob but first I must say farewell!...ahem, my journey hath taken me through time and space…
BOB
Oh here we go…
ALLEN
I hath slain man, machine and beast! I hath sung songs of incredible triumph in kings’ halls! I hath rescued a fair maiden from thy tallest tower!..
BOB
Oh for Gods’ sake Allen!..
ALLEN
And all this I do not for myself but for those treated unequally, unfairly and unjustly!
BOB
You’re a saint. Now, are you finished?
ALLEN
Yea, tis finished. Tis time to depart,, try not to miss me too much for I will be back! Damn, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.
BOB
ALLEN… LEAVE… NOW!!!
ALLEN
I’m just gonna go and look these over …
(ALLEN exits)
BOB
I can’t believe he went through all that just to get out of looking over the budget plans. That’s admirable…in a way, well; it’s a good thing I’m here to make sure things get done.
(Answers ringing cellphone)
Yes this is Mr. Smith, he’s looking them over now, no he has no clue. Look comrade, I will make a full report when I return. Hail Magneto!
The Crashing of Lives
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THE CRASHING OF LIVES
A ten-minute play
By
Grace W
Lamoille Union Middle School
CHARACTERS: CLAIRE: 14 years old, girl, blond hair, pretty, very
serious, wants to become very successful, smart,
parents work in the Twin Towers.
SCOTT: 14 years old, boy, black hair, good at
sports, class clown, funny, doesn’t care about
school, parents work in the Twin Towers
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Voice that gives updates
PHONE VOICE: Claire’s Dad’s voice
INTERCOM ANNOUNCER: Works at school, voice that is heard through intercom
LIBRARIAN: Teacher who is in Library
SCENE: Library at school in NYC September 11, 2001
SCOTT and CLAIRE sitting at same desk. LIBRARIAN sitting
on other side of room reading.
AT RISE: CLAIRE is trying to study very hard, SCOTT just
messing around and being loud, sucking on a lollipop.
They are listening to music on the radio. LIBRARIAN on other side of room, reading.
CLAIRE
Oh my god. You’re so immature. Let’s go on to the next question, if you can handle that. Do you want to do Silver, Boron, or Calcium?
SCOTT
Let’s do the one that reminds me most of you? BORON SINCE YOU’RE SUCH A MORON!
CLAIRE
Whatever. Do you want to add more or less neutrons? I personally think that having mo-
SCOTT
Hate to break it to you Claire but um no one cares what you personally think.
CLAIRE
Alright, Scott, BE QUIEEETTTT!!!
SCOTT
If I quiet down any more I'll pass out.
(Laughs.)
CLAIRE
We have our big biology project due in two days and you’ve been as great of a partner as a goat. Hey, that was alliteration.
(CLAIRE laughs at her own joke.)
SCOTT
Was that supposed to be humor? Because I found that more hilarious than your cat dying.
(SCOTT laughs. CLAIRE goes back to her work.)
CLAIRE
You’re sooo mean.
SCOTT
(In fake announcer voice, as he goes in to shoot the paper wad into the trash.)
And number 25 goes in for the shot, he jumps, he shoots, AND HE SCORESSS!!!
(CLAIRE looks at Scott and gives him a “Who do you think you are?” look. SCOTT smirks and shoots more baskets)
CLAIRE
Scott, I’m asking you nicely. Please. Stop.
SCOTT
(Mimicking CLAIRE)
Scott, I’m asking you nicely stoppp.
CLAIRE
Oh, that’s right. Stopping would involve brains--something you clearly don’t have.
SCOTT
You should be one to talk.
CLAIRE
Um, excuse me but I'm the one who is on high honors. I was also nominated for Top Academic Student at my parents’ company in the World Trade Center.
(CLAIRE points towards window)
SCOTT
Blondie stop bragging and get back to your habitat.
CLAIRE
Shut up, Scott.
SCOTT
Not today...not tomorrow...and next week ain't looking so good either.
CLAIRE
That isn’t even proper grammar. It should be “is not”. Even preschoolers can speak better grammar than YOU.
SCOTT
(SCOTT says “preschoolers” in baby voice)
I’m pretty sure not alotta preschoolers are as amazing as I am. I ain’t caring about no grammar.
CLAIRE
Well you should. You’re never going to become a famous basketball star and you need to face it.
SCOTT
Sorry I don’t listen to liars.
CLAIRE
Scott, all you do is cheat. Even your mother agrees with me.
SCOTT
Um, first of all she so does not agree with you. And I'm the cheater here?
CLAIRE
Remember in 5th grade when I wrote that research paper about Russia and you stole it and got credit for it? As I was saying YOU, CHEAT.
LIBRARIAN
Claire, Scott. Please keep it down. It’s only 8:15 in the morning and my ears would rather listen to silence.
SCOTT
(In a Whisper)
Like you don’t. Claireeee.
CLAIRE
(Says in whisper)
Also, you’re straight up mean. Two years ago at my birthday party, which my parents made me invite you to, you put my brand new bike in front of my Dad’s car so he would run over it.
SCOTT
(Says in whisper)
I was putting the bike out of its misery. I would be pretty sad if I had to be near you 24/7.
CLAIRE
And that summer when I was working on my art piece for the museum? You and your family came over for lunch and you ripped it to shreds.
SCOTT
God, do you think I have amnesia or something? I think I remember these things. You really don’t have to keep repeating them.
CLAIRE
What I'm getting at is that you need to do something nice for me for once in my life. No one likes mean people so you seriously need to change.
(CLAIRE closes binder with a slam)
SCOTT
You don’t think that eating all those cookies you made for the homeless shelter was being kind? I saved all them homeless people from The-Horrible-Cooking-Of-Claire disease.
CLAIRE
SHUT UP!
(LIBRARIAN gives CLAIRE a “look”. CLAIRE goes back to her work)
SCOTT
I’ve got some good news for you.
CLAIRE
Is it that you're going to be quiet and actually HELP ME ON THIS GROUP SCIENCE PROJECT?
SCOTT
No, you’ve officially been awarded Scott’s Most Hated Person. Here’s your award.
(SCOTT chucks the lollipop he was eating in her hair)
CLAIRE
(Trying to take lollipop out of hair, getting increasingly upset)
I just got a new hair cut yesterday. I’m going to have to cut it out. And it’s going to mess up my whole hair cut! I’ll have a bald spot and it’s going to take forever to grow back. Scott. David. Anderson. I. Hate. You.
SCOTT
Yesss mission accomplished!!!
CLAIRE
(Still trying to unstick the lollipop from her hair)
It’s not coming out. It’s all your fault! (beat) Just because in 2nd grade I accidentally tripped you so you broke your ankle and couldn't try out for the State Pee Wee Team…that doesn’t give you room to be so horrible.
SCOTT
Actually, I think it does. If my ankle had been OK, I would probably be in California right now on the All Stars team.
(SCOTT gives look with eyebrows raised.)
CLAIRE
Well nothing you say is correct. Everything you do is wrong, so I hope you die this very second.
SCOTT
If you died right now this planet and this whole universe would be a better place!
CLAIRE
JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE MOM LIKES ME BETTER...well for obvious reasons you know...
SCOTT
UMMM FIRST OF ALL SHE DOES SOOO NOT LIKE YOU BETTER. I’M HER SON YOU’RE JUST HER FRIEND’S DAUGHTER!
(SCOTT chucks pencil at CLAIRE. It hits CLAIRE in head)
LIBRARIAN
Scott. Claire. Be. quiet. This is your second warning, and I WILL kick you out. I am stepping out for a few minutes. I am, trusting you Mr. Anderson and Ms. Brown, to be smart. None of this funny business.
(LIBRARIAN leaves)
CLAIRE
OUR PARENTS HANG OUT EVERY SINGLE DAY! I’M PRETTY SURE I’M MORE TO HER THAN SOME FRIEND’S DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!
(CLAIRE rips lollipop from hair and throws it across room)
SCOTT
I BEG TO DIFFER CLAIREEEE!!! WHEN I TOOK A TEST IN 3RD GRADE AND GOT A B+, MY BEST GRADE OF THE YEAR, DID SHE GIVE ME ANYTHING? NOOO INSTEAD SHE GAVE YOU A NEW PUPPY FOR GETTING AN, A+.
CLAIRE
Next time get a better grade. And I've received many gifts from your Mom--the puppy was just one gift. Did you see that new iPhone I have? Ya she gave me that last week!
SCOTT
SERIOUSLY?! I TRY MY BEST AT EVERYTHING I DO AND IT’S STILL NEVER ENOUGH. EVERY SINGLE STEP YOU TAKE IS ALWAYS “Oh isn’t Claire just so amazing, she’s so perfect and great! We should just go out and get her a bazillion gifts.”
(SCOTT slams hands on table)
CLAIRE
I’m sorry that you got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out.
SCOTT
You know what? YOU’RE SO UGLY THAT WHEN YOU WENT TO THE DOG SHOW, YOU WON!!
(A loud NOISE is heard from outside)
CLAIRE
YUP...UH....UH...That’s definitely why I have won beauty pageants, and your Mom throws a party for each one!!
SCOTT
YAAAA? WELL I’VE WON 13 OF MY SPORTS’ TOURNAMENTS AND MY MOM THREW A PARTY FOR...for...only one of them... SEEE IT’S NOT FAIR. YOU ALWAYS GET PRAISED FOR EVERYTHING AND YOU’RE ALWAYS THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. You know what....why don’t you use your brain? There’s a first time for everything.
CLAIRE
( CLAIRE gives him a “Wow, you’re dumb” look.)
SHUT UPPP NOW. And I know that your Mom only gave you one “sports party”. I was invited if you don’t remember.
SCOTT
Um ya no one can forget your performance there. Where you got rid of the cake and the chips because they were “unhealthy” and ya the soda, how you filled that with “health medicine” and everyone got sick. THAT was GREAT! YA I’M DONE DEALING WITH YOU. DON’T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN.
CLAIRE
OK, whatever! I’M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU EITHER. AND DON’T DO ANYTHING TO ANNOY ME BECAUSE, I WILL HURT YOU.
(CLAIRE goes back to doing project.)
SCOTT
(Singing, pounding hands on desk to the beat.)
We will, we will rock you…
CLAIRE
SHUT UP NOW!!!
SCOTT
(Continues singing)
You got mud on yo' face. You-
(SCOTT is interrupted by a serious VOICE on the radio)
RADIO
This just in. We have unconfirmed reports that the World Trade Center in New York City has just been hit by a plane. Citizens are asked to remain inside. Access to the towers must remain open for rescue crews.
(CLAIRE and SCOTT are frozen. The radio cuts out. SCOTT and CLAIRE rush to the window and stare at the fire coming from the WTC.)
CLAIRE
What?! Oh my god! Oh! Uh, I can still see my parents’ floor… they…they must be safe…
SCOTT
(squinting, trying to see)
My mom’s floor…I think it’s covered in smoke. (Beat) What…what do you think that means?
CLAIRE
I...I..I don’t know… (Beat) They…must have good safety evacuations in the towers…they have to be OK.
SCOTT
My, my, my dad is…coming back…from his military training today. He’s been in Korea…I haven’t seen him in three years. Me and my mom—dinner…tonight...
CLAIRE
It’s…um…you guys will be okay…
(BOTH keep their eyes locked on the window)
SCOTT
Why is this happening?! What is going on?!
(Freaking out)
CLAIRE
I...I...I don’t know!
(Tears running down both of their faces)
SCOTT
I can see fire. Oh, god, are people getting burned alive? (Yells at window) …Mom?! In my whole entire life I've never loved anyone but my mom.
INTERCOM VOICE
I need everyone’s attention. Quiet, please. Attention, everyone. There has been an explosion at the World Trade Center. We have limited information right now, but students are to remain in their classrooms until further notice. I repeat: students must remain in their classrooms at this time.
CLAIRE
(exchanges look with SCOTT)
There’s so much smoke…it’s completely covering the top of the tower.
SCOTT
Where’s my mom? I need my mom!
CLAIRE
What floor is she on?
SCOTT
(in shock)
The 97th…her desk is the 3rd to the right. The lady who works in the cubicle next to my mother’s is so nice…whenever I visit…she always had a Hersey Bar waiting…
CLAIRE
My parents…they work on the 86th floor.
SCOTT
(grabbing CLAIRE)
We need to leave this stupid school and find our parents!
CLAIRE
There’s so much smoke…(Beat.) They’re all that matter to me. Let’s go.
INTERCOM VOICE
I repeat: students are to remain in classrooms until further notice.
SCOTT
We need to leave! We need to find our parents!
CLAIRE
(looking out window)
Look at all the dust! Oh my god. I don’t know what to do!
SCOTT
I don’t care what the principal is saying…I just need to find my Mom. I need to…I need to make sure she’s safe!
(SCOTT pushes the door. It is locked. CLAIRE grabs his arm, turns him around and gives him a tight hug. They stay like that for seconds)
CLAIRE
Your mom will be OK... my parents will be OK.
(BOTH cry.)
SCOTT
(Back to window)
Oh my god! Is that…? Was that…a person?! They…they just JUMPED from the World Trade Center. What?! Why…? Is there a rescue crew on the ground? Is…
CLAIRE
What if that’s my Mom, or my Dad? (Beat.) What if it’s your Mother?
SCOTT
Let’s call them! Can we call them on their cell phones?
CLAIRE
Maybe they’ll pick up. Maybe they’re safe.
(Walks over to phone. They start dialing)
It’s ringing...it’s ringing.
SCOTT
Have they picked up yet?
CLAIRE
No. no. Not yet. It just went to Dad’s voice mail. (Responding to voice mail) Hi, hi, this is Claire I really want you to answer. Are you OK? Are you safe? Please call me back. I’m at school in the library. Please call. (Hangs up phone)
SCOTT
No answer...
CLAIRE
No.
(CLAIRE sobs. SCOTT hugs her.)
Let’s call your Mom next.
(Scott dials the number.)
SCOTT
She’s not picking up…It’s voice mail. (speaking to voice mail) Mom! Are you safe? I’m still at school and I'm fine. I love you so much and I really hope you’re OK! I’ll see you after school? Please call! I’m in the library…Love You…
CLAIRE
Look at all the smoke…I can’t even see out the window.
SCOTT
Wow.. this is.. this is....
CLAIRE
Crazy… (Stands there dumb founded)
RADIO
(coming back on, in spurts)
…towers have fallen. Dust …over the city…dead…urging people to stay inside. Reports are un…
SCOTT
What are we going to do?
CLAIRE
I....I don’t know.
(Phone rings. BOTH get up and rush to phone. They put it on speaker phone.)
PHONE VOICE
Claire? Claire, are you there?
CLAIRE
Dad?!
PHONE VOICE
Yes I don’t have much time.
CLAIRE
Time?...Where’s Mom?
PHONE VOICE
(labored, loud sounds in background)
She was up on floor 95 when the explosion happened. I can’t get in touch with her, Claire. I…I can’t get up there. Nobody can get up there…
(Beat)
SCOTT
(aside)
That...that...that means my Mom’s...
(Slowly sits as shock sets in.)
PHONE VOICE
Listen, sweetie…I love you so much. Mom and Dad—we are so proud of you…you’re the best…the best thing that’s ever happened to us…So smart…funny…Claire, I don’t…I don’t know what’s going to happen. Listen, call Grandma. She will… I love you, Honey. (Yells in pain) I love you…
(Phone goes dead.)
CLAIRE
Dad? Dad?! Are you still there...? Dad?! NOOOOO!
(She throws receiver down. Freaks out.)
SCOTT
(Trying to calm her)
Claire! Shhh, shhh…It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.
(They comfort each other. Crying. Stay there for moments)
INTERCOM ANNOUNCER
Will the following students please report to the office immediately: Hannah Inning, Rachel Voyer, Scott Anderson, Terence Gill, and Claire Brown. Please report to the office immediately.
(SCOTT and CLAIRE slowly stand up. Look at each other than walk towards door. After 4 steps grab each other’s hands and hold hands the rest of the way as they exit.)
A Date For Four
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A Date for Four
By Carl A
Patricia Hannaford Center
Characters in order of appearance:
DAVID - 21 years old; he is a college student waiting for his date.
WILLARD - 35 years old; a local drunk that comes to the bar every night.
DANTE – 20 years old; a bitter bartender.
VERONICA – 21 years old; she is David’s date for the evening.
At Rise:
DAVID sits impatiently at a bar stool and constantly checks the time on his watch. Every time he checks he grows more impatient. And every second seems slightly more painful than the last.
DAVID
Alright, maybe I should go. She's obviously not going to show up. Man, why did I ask her out on a date? She probably doesn't even like me. She just said yes to get rid of me... How could I be so stupid?
(Suddenly WILLARD enters from behind DAVID and taps his shoulder; DAVID doesn't respond.)
WILLARD
Excuse me, you seem to me like you require some mental guidance.
DAVID
(Sighs) Yeah... Yeah I do, actually-
(DANTE pops up from behind the bar and begins to clean some glasses.)
DANTE
Sup David!? How are things at your one man party? Thought you were gonna have that girl come here for dinner... If I had it my way, she'd be at my house making me a sandwich. Yeah...
WILLARD
How rude! You really have no respect for women do you?
DANTE
Well what do you want from me? Do you want me to tell the kid that he needs to become a sweet-hearted little wuss that is going to be wrapped around a girl’s finger?
DAVID
Hey, don't act like I can't hear you-
DANTE
Quiet kid, don't you know I'm trying to help you. That's all I've been trying to do. You know deep down that I'm always right.
WILLARD
Are you kidding me? David, listen to him, this is the same person who told you that walking out on thin ice last week was a, and I quote “Manly and ballsy thing to do that would get you to conquer your stupid fears.” And where did that get you? Thankfully only waist deep in freezing water; but any deeper and you would have died! Died!
DANTE
Ok, calm your estrogen over there. That was a onetime thing, not going to happen again. But seriously David, you got some man points that day-
DAVID
Alright let's get back to the current problem at hand and stop partaking in the age old battle of who's right and who’s wrong. Sometimes I swear you two sound like a broken record.
WILLARD
Well that's simply because we are exact opposites Dante and I.
DANTE
I think he knows that. (Whispers under his breath) You dumb ass.
DAVID
Seriously guys? Come on, I need some help and I don't want to listen to you two bicker back and forth!
DANTE and WILLARD
(Both look at each other) Fine...
DAVID
Ok, so what should I do about Veronica? She’s fifteen minutes late and I have no way of reaching her. Ahhh, what do I do, what do I do?
DANTE
Wait, you mean to tell me she’s fifteen minutes late and you’re still here? Bro take a hint, she’s not into you.
WILLARD
Don’t be so harsh on the boy; I’m sure there is a reason for all of this. Have you ever heard of someone having misfortune and being late? It happens all the time…
DANTE
Stop sugar coating things for him man, you’re gonna make me sick. Kid, you got to realize that there are more fish in the sea than this one girl. I mean come on, with the right training you’ll have hot and gorgeous women bashing down your door to get with you.
(While the DANTE and WILLARD banter on about the situation at hand. DAVID notices VERONICA off stage.)
DAVID
(Crossing the stage) Veronica?
VERONICA
David! Oh thank god you stayed, I was worried you would think I stood you up and leave… (Catches her breath) Well I’m just glad that’s not the case.
WILLARD
(WILLARD gives DANTE a look.) Told you so…
DANTE
Shut up, no one loves you.
DAVID
(To VERONICA) So anyways, at least you made it here. So what happened that caused you to be late?
VERONICA
Oh right! It was the craziest thing. I was getting ready to come over here and my car wouldn’t start! I figured out later that I had left my lights on all night last night by accident. I swear to god it was the biggest blond moment of my life. So… Yeah, it took forever to get my car started, as you could probably tell… Sorry. (Smiles weakly, then laughs to herself a little) You forgive me don’t you?
DANTE
Bro, you should totally tell her that she owes you. Know what I mean?
WILLARD
No, don’t do that, you should-
DAVID
Um… It’s nothing, really. Here let me get your chair for you… You look spectacular by the way.
DANTE
Kid, please stop sucking up that won’t get you anywhere.
VERONICA
Aw, you’re too kind. You look great yourself.
WILLARD
How romantic…
DAVID
Thanks, so any who, how are things with you?
DANTE
That’s a weak way to start off a conversation man…
VERONICA
Great actually, I’m really glad you asked me here. I can’t remember the last time I was here.
WILLARD
What a bummer…
DAVID
That’s not fair, this place is great; and not to mention pretty chill.
VERONICA
I know right? I use to hang out here a lot, but then I stopped coming here for some reason.
DAVID
Why is that?
VERONICA
(Hesitates a little) Holden... My ex said it was a “shitty” place to go to. He had said that Ray's Tavern was a cooler place seeing as though their TV was always streaming “Jersey Shore.”
DANTE
Sounds like my kind of guy personally. Maybe you could learn a thing or two from him kid.
DAVID
Oh... right, Holden. I heard you broke up with him last week. How are you holding up?
VERONICA
Fine… I mean things have been ok. It's easier seeing as though I broke up with him, but still.
DAVID
At least on the bright side you’re feeling better right?
VERONICA
(Nods) Yeah.
DAVID
Can I get you a drink?
VERONICA
A chardonnay would be nice.
DAVID
(Crosses to bar)
(Laughs a little) I almost feel bad for Holden.
VERONICA
Why's that?
DANTE
(To DAVID) Because he can't get in your pants no more! That's why! (Raises hand for a high five for WILLARD, which is rejected)
DAVID
(To DANTE while growing impatient) Chardonnay. (To VERONICA) Because he won't be able to spend as much time with you anymore.
WILLARD
There you go David, honesty is the best policy.
(DAVID crosses back with the drink)
DANTE
Hey, Willard, you're really obnoxious. And kid, you wish you could be like Holden.
VERONICA
Ha, he brought that on himself. And I think he can deal seeing as though he's already hooked up with some other girl.
WILLARD
Dante, that's not very nice.
DAVID
Really? What a man whore.
DANTE
I'm just being honest.
VERONICA
That he is. Just one of many reasons that I dumped him.
DAVID
(Getting nervous) Umm, so anyways... Veronica?
VERONICA
Yeah? (Realizes her phone is ringing)
DAVID
I got a question...
VERONICA
Wait, can you hold that thought for a second, I'm getting a call. (Stands up) You mind?
DAVID
Not at all.
VERONICA
Thanks. (Walks off stage)
DANTE
(Starts clapping) Bravo David, getting 'em when they're single and lonely. For a second there I thought you were just going to try to date this Veronica chick with no advantage on your side.
WILLARD
He doesn't need an advantage to win her over. He just needs to be honest and sincere.
DAVID
(Gets up and crosses back to bar) Actually Willard, I think Dante has a point. I mean about having an advantage; because if I have a little leverage over her I might have more of a chance of her saying yes to being my girlfriend.
DANTE
Now for once you're thinking kid!
WILLARD
You two can't be serious. David, listen to yourself. You sound like the kind of person that Veronica just dumped not too long ago!
DAVID
I think this time you might be wrong. It makes perfect sense in my head.
DANTE
That's the spirit!
WILLARD
Don't encourage him!
DANTE
(Takes DAVID aside) Think about it like this kid, Veronica is probably outside talking to her best friend about how she hopes that you'll grow a pair and ask her to be your girlfriend because A: Your single and she knows you enough, and B: She's now single and wants to show her ex that she is fine without him. But here's where it gets good for you, because you not only get to be her boyfriend, but there is no way that she's gonna get back with her ex because he's already got some one. And if that guy is anything like me he's already forgotten about a girl like Veronica. So you might as well pop the question and save me three hours of lovey dovey hard-to-get BS. And if you play your cards right tonight, you might get lucky tonight. (Winks) So if you think about it you could be sitting on the best night of your life.
DAVID
You really think that?
DANTE
Man, have I ever been- (Hesitates) Yeah I'm sure.
WILLARD
That's all nice and great but what if she says no and you end up making the rest of the night awkward for the both of you? I don't mean to-
DANTE
Are you saying this kid can't do it?
DAVID
Yeah, are you saying I can't do it?
WILLARD
No, no, no, I don't mean it like that. I just don't want to get your hopes up and then be disappointed.
DANTE
Kid, listen, this all you have to do to get her to be your girlfriend. Just compliment her on her outfit, then her body, and then compliment her on something like her eyes. After that wait until you can hold her hand and then ask her out. It's fail proof.
WILLARD
There isn't a fool proof set of instructions to the heart woman. Have you learned anything over the years?
DAVID
(Sits back down) Oh man, here she comes...
DANTE
(Begins to massage DAVID’s shoulders like prepping a boxer for a fight.) Don't screw it up. Remember the steps and don't screw up the chance of a lifetime.
WILLARD
I sure hope this ends pleasantly.
(VERONICA enters)
VERONICA
I'm sorry again. Ugh, my friend just wouldn't shut up on the other end. She's the kind of friend that needs to know everything and anything that's going on in your life. (Sits)
DANTE
Told you they were talking about you kid.
WILLARD
Oh brother.
DAVID
I know exactly what you mean.
(Both DANTE and WILLARD look at each other.)
VERONICA
Ha-ha, so as you were saying before. You said you had a question for me?
DANTE
(Bringing DAVID another drink to the table) Remember the steps.
DAVID
Um... Well actually I wanted to make sure that I said that you look lovely tonight.
VERONICA
Yes, you did cover that I look really good.
DAVID
And on that note... Have you been working out? Because you look really good tonight. Um...
VERONICA
Sure? What are you getting at?
DANTE
What are you doing! This is supposed to be fail proof!
WILLARD
The key phrase in that statement is, “supposed to.”
DAVID
Well um... I don't really know all of the sudden.
DANTE
(Crossing behind VERONICA) You're losing your confidence!
VERONICA
It's obviously something. What's on your mind?
DAVID
You just have some really pretty eyes. (Smiles weakly)
VERONICA
Thanks? You sure you’re ok?
DAVID
Yeah! I’m fine… (There is a long awkward silence)
VERONICA
You're totally trying to ask me to be your girlfriend aren’t you?
DAVID
Um... Yes, yes I am.
VERONICA
(Laughs a little) Somehow I had a feeling you were going to ask that.
DAVID
(Shocked) You did?
VERONICA
(Crossing to bring back glasses to the bar) Nope, but I know now. (Glares at DANTE) And even though this is a pathetic way of asking me to be your girlfriend, it’s cute. I don’t know; it’s just something about you.
DAVID
Awesome! I don't know what it is about me either. So I guess that's good?
VERONCIA
You’re funny, you know that?
DAVID
No I never knew that.
VERONICA
Well, what do you say about leaving this bar and go hang at my house for a bit?
DAVID
Sounds good to me.
(VERONICA turns away long enough for DAVID to do a dance of excitement)
VERONICA
What are you doing? (Laughing)
DAVID
(Embarrassed) Ha-ha… Um I’m just excited because I’ll be able to change my Facebook relationship status…
(The two exit while DANTE and WILLARD continue to congratulate themselves on a job well done. They then shake hands and then realize that they’re alone)
WILLARD
(Motions with glass) More tea please.
DANTE
(Grunts and gets tea for WILLARD as lights fade to black)
END
Double Dog Dare You
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Double Dog Dare You
A ten minute play by Barbara T
Edmunds Middle School
CHARACTERS: FRANKIE, a 3rd grader-- manipulative of Brian
BRIAN, a 3rd grader-- dorky, easily taken advantage of
SHIRLEY, a 4th grader-- sucks up to Stella
STELLA, a 4th grader-- popular, sort of a “mean girl”
SCENE: An elementary school playground with children milling about. Two slides are visible: one plain and plastic, the other gaudy
and fun-looking.
AT RISE: Lights up on FRANKIE and BRIAN, two relatively dorky third graders. They have just gotten onto the playground and are deciding what to do first.
FRANKIE:
Ah, recess. Isn’t it so cool to just chill out after lunch and do whatever?
BRIAN:
Uh, yea.
FRANKIE:
I just love the sandbox! It’s my favorite. How about you, Brian?
BRIAN:
I dunno Frankie, I kinda wanna go beat my record on the monkey bars...
FRANKIE:
But...the monkey bars, Brian? That’s by the slide....where the fourth graders hang out.
BRIAN:
There’s no rule that says we can’t go on the monkey bars! It’s just the slide that’s fourth grade territory.
FRANKIE:
You wanna go over there? Fine. I DARE you to take the monkey bars all the way over to the slide, then...go down it.
BRIAN:
No way! That’s crazy! On the slide...that’s Stella and Shirley!
FRANKIE:
So what? They’re just two...y’know...fourth grade ladies.
(winks at Brian)
BRIAN:
(half-whimpering)
Frankie! They...they might have cooties! I can’t risk infection.
FRANKIE:
(slowly, dramatic)
I double dog dare you.
BRIAN:
(gasps)
That’s...that’s important stuff.
FRANKIE:
Yea, Brian. You can’t not do a double dog dare.
BRIAN:
(stunned)
Wow....Frankie, I gotta go over there.
FRANKIE:
(manipulative)
Yea Brian, you bet you gotta go. Otherwise, the demons who oversee double-dog-dares will haunt you for the rest of your life.
BRIAN:
(frightened)
Really?
FRANKIE:
(slowly nodding)
Really. Sorry bud.
BRIAN:
(taking a deep breath)
I gotta do it.
(BRIAN slowly stands up and begins to walk over to the fourth grade slide. FRANKIE chuckles to himself. BRIAN gets over to the monkey bars, but STELLA and SHIRLEY notice him.)
STELLA:
(to SHIRLEY)
Hey, Shirley, who’s that dweeb coming over here?
SHIRLEY:
I don’t know.
(to BRIAN)
Hey, kid, what do you want?
BRIAN:
(frightened, intimidated)
I....I’m just going on the monkey bars...don’t mind me...
STELLA:
Alright, dork, just don’t come near our slide. Fourth graders only!
BRIAN:
(talking fast, mumbling)
Don’t worry about it...
(BRIAN quickly climbs across the monkey bars and ends up on the platform of the slide. SHIRLEY and STELLA move to block him.)
SHIRLEY:
Hey pal, you’re real close to our territory. NO third graders allowed on the fourth grade slide.
(BRIAN is red-faced and sweating. He looks around desperately for FRANKIE.)
BRIAN:
(hopeful)
Uh....I’m already up here, so...er...I was thinking...maybe I could just go down the slide?
(SHIRLEY and STELLA exchange a look, and start laughing at BRIAN.)
STELLA:
Ok, bud, you just stepped over the line. We already told you-- NO THIRD GRADERS. Period.
SHIRLEY:
Yea. So, back off. Or...or we’ll do it for you!
STELLA:
(to SHIRLEY)
That doesn’t make any sense, stupid.
SHIRLEY:
(embarassed)
Well....what I meant is...just go away.
(BRIAN blushes.)
STELLA:
Yea, or we’ll make you!
SHIRLEY:
But...that’s what I just said, and you called me stupid!
STELLA:
(rolling her eyes)
Ugh. No, that’s completely different from what you just said. You really are dumb.
(to BRIAN)
But seriously, kid, get outta here.
SHIRLEY:
Yea! What she said.
STELLA:
(ignoring SHIRLEY)
I’ll count to three. One....two....
(STELLA and SHIRLEY begin to advance on BRIAN, cornering him on the slide platform. At this point, FRANKIE notices what is going on an immediately runs over to help his friend. He hops up to the slide and the two girls exchange and exasperated look.)
STELLA:
Another one? Who is this twerp?!
BRIAN:
Frankie! You’ve come to rescue me!
STELLA:
Shut up, “damsel in distress”.
(to FRANKIE)
And what do YOU want?
FRANKIE:
(stuttering)
Just...just leave Brian alone! He n-never did anything to you!
SHIRLEY:
Oh really? Well for your information, this dork over here was trying to use OUR SLIDE.
FRANKIE:
W-who says it’s “your slide”?
STELLA:
Uh, I do?!
FRANKIE:
I don’t think you have any right to claim this piece of playground equipment, missy!
(STELLA walks toward FRANKIE.)
STELLA:
Oh yea?
BRIAN:
Please don’t hurt him! I only came over here because I got dared to go down the slide!
SHIRLEY:
Pshh, you were only bothering us on a DARE?
BRIAN:
I didn’t mean to bother you! Double dog dares are serious stuff. You know...with the demons?
STELLA:
Yea, whatever, smarty.
(to FRANKIE)
How can you stand this guy?
FRANKIE:
(panic-stricken, appalled)
Best friends forever? Haven’t you heard of it? It’s....the bro code!!!
(STELLA gives him a look.)
FRANKIE:
I mean...the friendship code.
STELLA:
Whatever, twerp. Can’t you guys just leave us alone already? Recess is almost over and we haven’t even had girl talk yet!
BRIAN:
Ok, ok, we’ll leave, just...please don’t hurt us!!
FRANKIE:
(getting an idea)
Hang on a second. Brian, these ladies have really put our friendship to the test these last few....minutes. I think we should help them understand what started this all.
SHIRLEY:
I’m confused...
STELLA:
That’s new.
FRANKIE:
Ahem, as I was saying...do you wanna play a game?
SHIRLEY:
What kind of game?
FRANKIE:
Oh, just one called... I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU TO GO STEAL THE FIFTH GRADERS’ SLIDE!!
(SHIRLEY and STELLA look at each other and groan with understanding.)
FRANKIE:
I hope you’re not..scared, or anything!
BRIAN:
Hahaha, Frankie, that was a good one! Haha...a good one...you’re funny...
STELLA:
(clearly flustered)
I cannot believe you! Come on Shirley, let’s go. These guys definitely aren’t worth our time.
(STELLA and SHIRLEY quickly descend down from the slide, very un-gracefully. STELLA manages one triumphant hair flip before the girls bustle off.)
BRIAN:
(shouting after them)
Awww, come on! You guys know what will happen if you don’t do the dare! There’s demons!!
FRANKIE:
Hey Brian....you know there aren’t actually double-dog-dare demons, right?
BRIAN:
(embarrassed)
What? Yeah! Of course. I was just playing along. You know me! Just playing along.
FRANKIE:
(relieved)
Well that’s good, you almost had me convinced there. I just said that to make you go over to those girls. You know, Shirley...I really like her. The braces, they work.
BRIAN:
(shocked)
Frankie! You...like her?!
FRANKIE:
Uhmm... nevermind. But you know what Brian? I’m glad that we didn’t play in the sandbox today. This was way more fun!
BRIAN:
Yea! Let’s go shoot spitballs at some second graders!
FRANKIE:
Sounds awesome!
(Lights down.)
Crazy Love
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CRAZY LOVE
A ten-minute play
By
Sofia C
Camels Hump Middle School
CHARACTERS: MARCUS, clown in love with MARIA, 32 MARIA, crazy lady, thinks she’s a princess, 30
SCENE: Beginning of NYC 4th of July parade
AT RISE: Lights fade on. MARCUS is looking around frantically. Sees MARIA standing there looking into space, and walks over to her.
MARCUS
Excuse me. Um, Maria.
(taps MARIA to get her attention)
Hi! Um, are you supposed to be he...
(gets cut off)
MARIA
Eh! Disgusting! A peasant! I am a PRINCESS! Don’t you know that? OF COURSE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!
MARCUS
Oh, no! Not again! Maria! Don’t you remember me? It’s Marcus! Remember? I’ve been your best friend since high school, I’m always the one to take you to the doctor for your treatments, and...
(lowers voice to a stage whisper so that MARIA doesn’t hear)
I’ve loved you since the day we met. Please don’t forget me!
MARIA
WELL! To hear such words from a PEASANT! Best friend? And what was that about… MEDICATION?? I have never been so insulted! As if I had something wrong with me! As if my truly SUPERIOR mind was damaged in some way! I should have you executed!
MARCUS
You and I BOTH know that you won’t do that. You’re intrigued by me. You think that a ‘silly man dressed as a clown’ should never even THINK to speak to a ‘princess’ such as yourself, and yet I do. Tell me, your, um, royal highness. Do you recall ever speaking to a peasant such as myself during any other time?
MARIA
Of course I have, you STUPID man! Do you really think that you are the only peasant with a tongue made of silver, and that that makes you OH SO SPECIAL?!!! Idiotic men and their foolish minds!
MARCUS
Oh, please! I don’t think I have a silver tongue! Who even talks like that any more? Maria, do you realize that you are in the 21st century? Do you even know where you ARE?
MARIA
I shall not answer such an UNDIGNIFIED question from a peasant!
MARCUS
See! You don’t know! Maria, you are at the 4th of July parade in New York City! GOD Maria! I don’t know what to do with you! You CERTAINLY need to go to the doctor! Do you have your medication with you? I can take you right now if you need. There are plenty of other clowns! They don’t need me, but you do! We should go.
MARIA
Honestly, you keep saying I need medication and I’m ILL or something, but YOU are the one in the BOW TIE! If this IS the 21st century, as you say, then you should know that bow ties have NEVER been and NEVER will be in fashion!
MARCUS
Yeah, it’s cool, bow ties are cool. And you know, you ridiculing my clothes is really showing that you’re coming back to your self. Maybe we don’t have to go to the doctor!
MARIA
I don’t get why you keep talking about going to a doctor. Who is this doctor? DOCTOR WHO?? Why do I need one? WHY AM I TALKING TO YOU LIKE THIS??
MARCUS
(calming voice)
Because deep down, though your conscious mind might not know it, I will always be your best friend. It’s easy for you to talk to me because you’ve done it so many times before! You need to go to the doctor because you hit your head when you were in a car accident in junior year in high school. Ever since then, you have had memory problems and very strange spells such as this one where you can’t remember me and think you’re a princess.
(MARCUS suddenly looks very serious and sad, as if wanting his life and MARIA’s just to be normal)
Do you remember ANY of this Maria?
MARIA
NO! I don’t remember any of that and I don’t understand how you know my name! You should not be addressing me so informally as just Maria! You shall furthermore address me as your royal highness.
(MARIA extends hand for MARCUS to kiss)
MARCUS
Yeah, right!
(MARCUS pushes hand away, shaking his head, laughing)
Like I’m ever going to call you that in this or any other lifetime! Honestly, you really ARE crazy! Maybe you should fill that big pretend castle of yours with all
the other loonies around! Then when you all go out for dinner or something, you would scare all the waiters into doing whatever you want! It’s just like ACTUALLY being royalty!
MARIA
(stifles laugh, tries to regain composure but still has a trace of a smile)
Well, I suppose that would work if I WAS CRAZY!! And I don’t have a castle here! I’m only visiting politically for the parade. My castle is in a far away kingdom surrounded by the most amazing royal gardens anyone could ever see.
MARCUS
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight… um, you know, I think when I get home tonight, I’m going to google search that. In the mean time though, maybe you should go back to your party of people you came with. I could walk you back! Come on, no crazy lady’s allowed in the parade!
(starts ushering MARIA towards exit but she is fighting him)
MARIA
You have no power over me peasant! I am a princess and you must obey my command.
(MARIA pulls her arm away from MARCUS and turns to face him, fuming)
You know, even if you WERE all those things you called yourself; best friend since high school, you take me to the DOCTOR, and so on! Even if you were ANY of those things then that still wouldn’t change the fact that, one, I don’t know
you! And, two, You will always be a conceited, foolish, stupid, idiotic man with a silver tongue, big shoes, a BOW TIE, riding a UNICYCLE!! I want nothing more to do with you… you…
MARCUS
Marcus, my name is Marcus! I told you that! You know what? I don’t care if you don’t remember my name anymore! I don’t care if you think you’re a princess! If you think that you’re better off without me, than maybe you’re right! Maybe I’m better off without you! without dragging behind you like a dog!! I’m so sick and
tired of waiting for you Maria! If you want me out of your life than FINE! But just warning you, when you push away your last resort, your last friend, the only person who really cares about you. When you push that person away for the last time and he walks away, you will march across the side walk, and I won’t be there to keep you from walking STRAIGHT into the road and getting hit by a car! If I were you, I’d be more cautious about who I push away.
(Stares at MARIA for a few long seconds then looks over his shoulder and turns back to MARIA)
The parade’s starting, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you around.
(MARCUS walks away but before he’s off stage, MARIA starts walking towards him and trips on her long gown and hits her head. MARCUS turns back around and rushes back to her side)
Maria! Maria are you alright? Come on! Open you’re eyes! Don’t leave me Maria! Not again! Um, 911!! SOMEONE CALL 911!!! Don’t worry! Maria, you ARE going to be okay! Come on, come ON!! OPEN YOUR EYES YOU STUPID, BOSSY, CRAZY, AND ABSOLUTELY INSANE AND WONDERFUL, AMAZING, SMART, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!! WAKE UP!!
MARIA
(opens eyes and slowly looks at MARCUS)
Marcus? Is that you? I had an awful dream that you were so angry with me that you were never wanted to see me again!! Please don’t leave Marcus! I feel so dizzy!
MARCUS
I won’t leave, Maria! I’m right here! You’re going to be okay! Everything is gonna be FINE! I’m gonna make SURE you’re alright, just don’t go ANYWHERE Maria! Okay?
MARIA
Okay
(pause. MARCUS looks around impatiently, then turns to MARIA)
Thank you Marcus. For always being there. I don’t have any idea what I would do without you. You save me Marcus.
MARCUS
No Maria, you save me. You save me everyday by just being alive and there. You make my whole life better by just being yourself. Don’t take that away from me please Maria! You have to stay with me. I don’t think I could live without you.
MARIA
Marcus, I don’t think I ever got around to telling you how much… well, Marcus, just remember that I love you.
(MARIA faints in MARCUS’ arms)
THE END
When I Grow Up
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When I Grow Up
By Hannah W
Bellows Free Academy St Albans
CHARACTERS: ALICE: 7 year-old girl in second grade
DANA: 7 year-old girl in second grade
TEACHER: Age 30, patient
MOTHER: Late 20’s early 30’s, caring, sweet
SCENE: A 2nd Grade Classroom
AT RISE: ALICE and MOTHER are offstage. There is a table with a
There is a table with a large tablecloth and two chairs. On
The other side there is a teacher’s desk. TEACHER is
Looking at papers on her desk.
(ALICE and MOTHER walk onstage near TEACHER. TEACHER looks up from
Her papers and smiles and stands up to greet the pair.)
TEACHER
Good afternoon Mrs. Havers. Alice.
(MOTHER nods toward the teacher and leads ALICE toward the table. ALICE sits in the chair closest to TEACHER’S desk and mother moves to block the second chair from view.)
MOTHER
Okay Alice, I’m going to talk to your teacher for a minute.
(ALICE nods. As MOTHER walks away, DANA is revealed in the second seat.
MOTHER sits down next to TEACEHR and they begin conversing. ALICE eyes
Crayons, paper, and pencils laid out on the table and quickly picks up crayons and
Paper. DANA picks up a piece of paper and a pencil and begins to write.)
ALICE
Hi.
(DANA looks startled)
DANA
Hello.
ALICE
(Smiling) My name’s Alice.
DANA
My name’s Dana.
(DANA returns to her work. ALICE begins coloring but soon grows restless.)
ALICE
Do you want to play a game?
(DANA stops writing)
DANA
Like what?
(Alice thinks for a moment)
ALICE
Ummmm….Superheroes?
DANA
We can’t be Superheroes.
ALICE
(Looking rejected). Why not?
DANA
(matter-of-factly) Superheroes aren’t real.
ALICE
(Getting defensive) They are too! (jumps out of her chair.)
DANA
Are not. Have you ever seen one?
ALICE
Well….no…
(ALICE sits down)
DANA
Why do you want to be a superhero anyway?
ALICE
They have cool capes, and powers, and they save people.
DANA
But they don’t make a lot of money.
(DANA returns to writing and ALICE sits silently for a moment.)
ALICE
(Looking at DANA) What do you want to play?
DANA
(DANA stops writing to think.) Lawyers.
ALICE
Lawyers? (Shocked) Why do you want to play that?
DANA
They make lots of money.
ALICE
But…they’re really boring.
DANA
So? Money is important.
ALICE
Why?
DANA
You need money to live.
ALICE
(Thinks for a moment) My mom says that happiness is more important.
(The two girls pause for moment.)
DANA
Your mom is worried about you.
(Both girls turn to look at the mother and teacher. ALICE returns to her coloring
after a moment.)
MOTHER
(A little shocked) She doesn’t know how to write?
TEACHER
What I mean to say is, she can write…she just doesn’t like to.
MOTHER
I don’t understand.
TEACHER
Yesterday I asked my students to write about what they want to be when they grow up and….(takes paper off desk depicting a child’s drawing of Superman) she drew this instead.
(MOTHER laughs upon seeing the picture. ALICE hears her mother laughing and
looks up from her drawing.)
ALICE
(To DANA) She doesn’t look worried.
DANA
Why else would she be talking to Mrs. Tracey? You must have done something wrong.
ALICE
But…she’s smiling. Maybe they’re just friends, like you and me.
DANA
She’s holding up your drawing.
ALICE
It’s a very nice drawing…
DANA
Mrs. Tracey isn’t smiling.
ALICE
She didn’t like it. (ALICE begins coloring again.)
DANA
She doesn’t want you to be a Superhero.
ALICE
So…I should be a lawyer?
(ALICE looks at DANA seriously. She has stopped coloring in anticipation of
DANA’S answer.)
DANA
Of course. You’ll have a bigger house.
ALICE
But will I have fun?
DANA
Maybe.
ALICE
I like art. Maybe I could make art and be a superhero.
DANA
You wont have any money.
ALICE
But I’ll be happy.
DANA
Without any toys?
ALICE
(Unconcerned) I’ll make my own toys. (Begins coloring again.)
DANA
You wont have food.
(Alice twists her mouth in thought)
ALICE
I’ll live off the grass and other things.
DANA
You’ll probably have to live in a box.
(By now DANA has taken on the role of fortune-teller and is trying to scare
ALICE into agreeing with the Lawyer route.)
ALICE
I will have the prettiest box on the street.
DANA
You might even die.
(ALICE stops drawing)
ALICE
Die? (ALICE’S eyes become wide and she takes on a frightened look.)
DANA
Maybe. Would you still be happy without toys, or food, or a house?
ALICE
I don’t know.
(Silence. DANA looks smug as she begins writing. ALICE does not color.)
MOTHER
That seems a little bit harsh.
TEACHER
Not at all. I think it’s just what she needs.
MOTHER
All of her friends would move on without her.
TEACHER
Well, yes. But I believe it’s what’s best for her future success.
(The conversation between MOTHER and TEACHER quiets down as ALICE looks up. DANA is still writing.)
ALICE
Dana?
DANA
(Absentmindedly) Hmm?
ALICE
Do ALL lawyers make a lot of money?
DANA
Well…(stops writing) not always. But mostly.
ALICE
Why not?
DANA
Some are better than others. They make more money.
ALICE
What about artists?
DANA
You have to be very good to make money as an artist.
(ALICE looks like she’s had an idea and smiles excitedly.)
ALICE
I’ll be the best artist ever. Then I wont die.
(ALICE smiles and returns to her coloring.)
DANA
(Looking horrified) That’s not how it works.
ALICE
Why not?
DANA
Art is hard work.
(ALICE looks a little disappointed.)
ALICE
So is being a lawyer.
DANA
Lawyers help people.
ALICE
Lawyers can’t fly.
(DANA looks frustrated and begins thinking of a new argument.)
DANA
How do you even know you’re a good artist?
ALICE
I…I don’t
DANA
See.
ALICE
How do you know I’ll be a good lawyer?
DANA
If you’re good at being a lawyer, you’ll make money. You’ll be good because money is important.
ALICE
(Thinking) I don’t want to be good at being a lawyer. I want to be good at drawing and painting and-
DANA
-What happens if you’re not good enough?
ALICE
I will be.
DANA
But how do you know?
ALICE
Because art makes me happy. I’ll work hard because I want money, but my art will be good because I’m happy.
DANA
(Interested) Show me.
(ALICE takes a new piece of paper from the desk.)
ALICE
Alright. I’ll draw…(ALICE looks around the room before settling her gaze on DANA) You!
(ALICE begins to work as DANA watches)
MOTHER
My daughter is only in second grade. You said she knows how-
TEACHER
-yes, but-
(MOTHER holds up hand)
MOTHER
It is not my place to tell Alice that drawing is unacceptable. She’ll write when she has something to write about.
(ALICE is drawing fervently before stopping. She adds one final touch before
holding it up for inspection.)
ALICE
Done!
(ALICE turns to show the picture to DANA.)
MOTHER
(To TEACHER) I believe we are done too.
(Mother stands up and calls to ALICE. TEACHER shakes her head and goes back
to examining papers. DANA takes the picture and looks at it in wonder. Seeing
that ALICE has ignored her, MOTHER walks over next to ALICE and in front of
DANA.)
MOTHER
Alice. It’s time to go.
ALICE
Okay.
(ALICE stands up and grabs her mother’s hand. As they move to Exit it is revealed that DANA is gone.)
MOTHER
Are you ready?
(ALICE pauses before they exit to look at the spot where DANA had been sitting.)
ALICE
Yes.
(MOTHER and ALICE exit.)
This Last Farewell
You may need: Adobe Flash Player.
THIS LAST FAREWELL
A ten-minute play
by
Patrick T
U32
CHARACTERS: JASON, Sarah’s dead fiancés, 26
SARAH, Jason’s grieving fiancés, 24
PAM, a friend of Sarah’s, 24
SCENE: Sarah’s apartment
AT RISE: Sarah walks through the front door of her apartment, followed closely by Jason. She proceeds to put things away while Jason paces through the room.
Sarah can’t see, hear or touch Jason for he is a ghost in the scene.
JASON
You have no idea how long I waited outside for you to come along and open that door for me.
SARAH
I just couldn’t find anything I was looking for today.
JASON
Shopping was never your gift.
SARAH
Crap, I forgot to bring those clothes to the thrift store.
JASON
Who’s clo-
(He stops himself when he realizes whose clothes she is referring to)
Oh… right.
SARAH
Oh well… I don’t mind having them around a little longer.
JASON
Well might as well sell them eventually. They’re not doing you any good.
SARAH
Well Pam should be here soon.
JASON
Pam… I miss her.
(A knock is heard at the door. Sarah rushes over to open it and greets her friend Pam who enters the room. Jason sees Pam, hangs his head, and walks into a different room. All the while Pam and Sarah never notice he was ever there.)
PAM
Hey! How’s it going? Oh, it’s good to see you.
SARAH
Oh, it’s good to see you too. I’m alright, just haven’t had much of any company over this past month.
PAM
Well you should come over sometime. We’ll invite some people over. I hear that Kim and Beth are going to be in the city next week.
SARAH
That sounds nice.
(Pam and Sarah both make their way over to the couch. On the couch sits a photo album. Sarah picks it up and sets it on her lap as they both sit down.)
PAM
How many times have you looked through that photo album now? You were holding it last time I saw you.
SARAH
I don’t know. It just helps me remember him.
PAM
I miss him too.
SARAH
I’m just not having an easy time moving on. I was going to go sell some of his clothes today, but forgot to take them with me when I went out.
PAM
Well they’re not doing any harm sitting in their drawers for right now. You will decide what you want to do with them when you’re ready.
SARAH
Thanks for coming over today.
PAM
Of course.
SARAH
I really needed a friend.
PAM
Sarah, you have been like a sister to me since we first got to know each other back in college. You can always call on me.
(Pause)
SARAH
How can I go on? Jason was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How can my life ever feel complete again without him here?
PAM
Oh Sarah.
SARAH
It’s all my fault.
PAM
Sarah you shouldn’t blame yourself.
SARAH
Why shouldn’t I? It’s because of me he was driving that day. He wasn’t planning on going anywhere. If I hadn’t been so busy that day… he wouldn’t have offered to take that stupid package to the post office.
PAM
It’s not your fault. He offered to take that package because he loved you and he knew how caught up you were in the wedding plans. No one could have predicted what happened.
SARAH
I just keep thinking about the last thing I said to him. He was putting on his shoes and I hollered from the other room “See you later.” No I love you, not even a good bye.
(Sarah’s eyes begin to tear up. Pam gets up to get Sarah a box of tissues.)
PAM
Here’s some tissues.
SARAH
Thanks. I’m sorry. I haven’t really talked to anyone in a while.
PAM
Hey don’t sweat it. Just let it all out, it’s what I’m here for.
SARAH
I’m going to be ok. I just need more time.
PAM
I agree. You two were together for three years.
SARAH
Three and a half.
PAM
Feelings like that don’t go away easily. I wish I could say I know what you’re going through but…
SARAH
I know.
(A beeping sound it heard coming from Pam’s bag.)
PAM
Oh crap!
SARAH
What’s that?
(Pam reaches into her bag and pulls out her beeper to shut it off.)
PAM
It’s my beeper for work. I’m on call and they’re saying they need me at the hospital now.
SARAH
Oh.
PAM
I’m sorry.
SARAH
No, no. It’s fine.
PAM
Well, call me later, I should be home around eight, and we’ll make plans to get together later.
SARAH
Alright.
(Pam turns to leave)
SARAH
Pam.
PAM
Yes?
SARAH
Do you believe in… life after death?
PAM
I don’t know. I believe that sometimes spirits linger.
SARAH
Why would they linger?
PAM
I don’t know. I think the reason probably changes depending on the person. Perhaps something is unfinished in their minds and they hope to finish that before they move on.
(They both pause.)
Get some rest tonight. You look tired.
(Pam walks out of the apartment. Shortly after Sarah sits back down, Jason reenters the room.)
JASON
Pam didn’t stay long.
(Short pause)
Looking through that photo album again? I remember that. Our vacation to Hawaii. You got so sunburned that week.
SARAH
You were so sexy on that trip.
JASON
Wait, did you hear me?
SARAH
And I got so sunburned.
JASON
Oh… I guess not.
SARAH
We were quite the sight to see.
JASON
Yeah we were.
SARAH
I remember we were so happy that day.
(Sarah turns the page)
Oh darn, this one is starting to fade.
JASON
That was always my favorite picture of us together. It was when we had all those people over last New Year’s. You stood over there, looking out the window. I snuck up on you to give you a hug. Just as I did Pam snapped that picture. A perfect moment. Pam would always comment and say how beautiful we were together.
SARAH
But now it’s nothing more than a fading memory.
JASON
(Jason walks around the couch and sits beside her. He reaches to comfort her but his hand is unable to come any closer than a few inches.)
I wish with every ounce of my being that I could touch you right now. Even if only for a second.
(Suddenly the phone rings, Sarah takes the photo album and places it open, on the coffee table in front of her.)
SARAH
Who would be calling me?
(Sarah walks upstage to answers the phone, and speaks quietly in the background.)
JASON
(Jason looks at the photo album. He tries hard to turn the pages but still is unable to touch it.)
Move. Move… Move God damn it!!!
(Jason gives up.)
Even if I could speak to you, what the Hell would I say?
SARAH
Good bye.
(Sarah hangs up the phone and sits back down.)
JASON
I wrote a poem to you that day. It was what I planned to read to you at the altar. I think I had it in my pocket when I died. It was probably destroyed in the wreck though. Don’t suppose it was ever recovered.
(Pause)
I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to keep doing this. Each day my memory fades a little more. Some days I struggle to remember my own name, but when I’m here with you… I start remembering again. But each day I feel like I’m a little more translucent. My body is dead and I feel my soul is beginning to die as well. If there is an afterlife, I don’t think I’m going there.
SARAH
This is my favorite picture of y-
(She stops herself.)
Why do I keep talking to myself? As if you’re still here.
JASON
I am here.
SARAH
I’m so pathetic, I couldn’t even bring myself to throw his tooth brush away in the bathroom. Everything in this apartment reminds me of him. Maybe I should just throw it all away.
JASON
Sarah… Sarah wait, I’m here! With you… I’M HERE!!!
(Sarah holds the photo album over the garbage to throw it away. Instead she ends up crying as she holds it to her chest.)
SARAH
I don’t want you to go on without you.
JASON
But you have to. Sell my clothes, sell this place. Move on with your life, because I can’t do anything for you now. You’re going to have to go on living for the both of us.
SARAH
I’m sorry Jason. If you’re here, with me, I’m sorry. I know it’s my fault you’re gone.
JASON
What?
SARAH
If I hadn’t been so caught up in my work, you would have never left the house to go do one of my errands.
JASON
(Jason pauses.)
It wasn’t your fault… I knew the package wasn’t all that important. I knew it could have waited a day or two. No, I left the house with the package so you wouldn’t question where I was going. About three weeks before I died, I met someone. Her name was Jasmine. I don’t know what the hell I was doing. You and I had been together for a long time and you were my first girlfriend. I guess I did it because; I wanted to experience someone else. I didn’t really care about her, and I never would have left you for her. We met up a few times over those weeks. But, the day I died, I left the house to go tell her it was off. But on my way to meet her, somebody cut me off on the highway and I went off the road. That part was no one’s fault. I’m so sorry. Even now I know I’m saying all of this in vein, for you will never know the truth. And I will never forgive myself for that.
SARAH
I feel you Jason.
(Pause)
I’m, probably talking to myself right now, but if you can hear me Jason… I miss you.
JASON
I miss you too.
SARAH
I miss you, but… you have to move on. If this feeling really is you, then you have been with me since you died. And you need to move on, just like I need to.
(Sarah gets up, goes over to the couch, and lays down)
I’m tired Jason. I’m going to sleep and when I wake up… you should be gone.
JASON
(Jason finds the poem in his back pocket.)
I thought I had lost this. This is my last chance to read this to you.
As I watch the day turn to night, I know nothing lasts.
The things that remain are the hauntings of our past.
But as I look forward, and away from our dark past,
I see nothing but light, and we will be happy at last.
(Jason stands behind the couch and reaches his hand toward Sarah’s face. He finally is able to touch her. He strokes his fingers against her cheek.)
I love you Sarah.
SARAH
Jason?
(Jason stops walking and turns towards her. Sarah puts her hand to her cheek where Jason had touched her)
I love you Jason.
JASON
Goodbye Sarah.
SARAH
Goodbye Jason.
(Jason walks off stage as lights fade out.)
Road Trip
You may need: Adobe Flash Player.
Road Trip
By
Cullen B
St. Johnsbury Academy
Characters:
Jim, 48, husband of Joan
Joan, 46, wife of Jim
Madison, 16, their daughter
Jackson, 12, their son
At Rise: Lights up revealing 4 chairs on stage, representing seats in a car. Jim, Joan, Madison, and Jackson are in the car.
Jim
We are going to have such a great time at the Cabot Cheese Factory! They have samples! Samples!
Jackson
Oh boy, Dad! Do you think they have Gouda?
Joan
Oh, Jackson, I’m sure they have more than just Gouda…Just imagine the variety of cheeses…Feta, Gouda, Sharp Cheddar! And probably tons of other cheeses that we’ve never even heard of!
Jackson
Wow!
Jim
And we’re not just going to the cheese factory everyone. I wanted to keep this a surprise, but… We’re going on a Cherry Tree Hill Yarn Factory Tour!
Joan
Oh, Jim that sounds so exciting! You are so great at planning vacations! (Hugs Jim)
Jim
I knew you’d love that. Listen to the description in this here brochure you are going to flip out! (Opens a brochure and reads) Join us for a tour of the modern production facility where Cheryl Potter handpaints the world famous yarn.
(pause)
Jackson
Oh boy, Dad!
Jim
Madison, you’re awfully quiet, you angsty adolescent, you! Aren’t you excited?
Madison
…Thrilled.
(pause)
Jim
Uh-oh, Joan.
Joan
What is it Jim, dear?
Jim
I do believe I hear some sarcasm in this car…
Joan
Yes, well…now that you mention it, I heard it too.
Jim
I wonder where it came from?
Joan
Hmmm…I wonder…?
Jim
Hmm…
Joan
Hmmm…
Jim…
Hmmmmm…
Joan
Hmmmmmm…
Jackson
I know! I know! It was—
Jim
Shut up, Jackson! Your mother and I are playing a game! Now…if I were sarcasm, where would I be…?
Joan
Hmmm… (points to the backseat at Madison)
Jim
Ah ha! Ding, ding, ding! You found the sarcasm!
Joan
Yayy! Yippee! Wow… What an exhilarating game, dear!
Jim
Thank you, honey. Believe it or not, I just made that up off the top of my head.
Jackson
Wow, Dad! That’s so impressive!
Jim
Well, Jacky boy, one day you just might be lucky enough to be just like your old man, here.
Jackson
I sure hope so, Dad!
Jim
Now, Madison…I’m not starting this car until you drop your sarcasm off right outside.
Madison
What?
Jim
You heard me. Drop it right off. Now go on. Open the door.
Madison
This is friggin’ ridiculous.
(pause)
Jackson
She said friggin’! Mom, Madison said friggin’!
Madison
Shut up!
Joan
You know what that means, don’t you Jackson?
Jim
Sounds to me like someone needs the swear chant!
Madison
NO…Please. Not the swear chant. That’s honestly got to be one of the weirdest things—
(Jim, Joan, and Jackson all begin get in Madison’s face, slowly moving closer and closer. They are still seated in the car, so they lean over their seats and into her space with their heads. They all begin chanting in unison)
Jim, Joan, Jackson
Friggin’! Friggin’! Friggin’! Friggin’! Friggin’!
(They begin making animal noises now. Cats meowing, dogs barking, cows mooing, etc. Jackson and Joan continue with the animal sounds through Jim’s next line)
Jim
You want to swear, we’ll all swear! Not just human swears, but animal swears, too! Meowww…purr…hiss!
Madison
Stop! Stop! Please! I’ll do anything! I’ll drop my sarcasm off outside if you’ll just stop!
(Jim signals for them to stop chanting)
Jim
Well, go on, hurry! We still have a four hour drive ahead of us!
Madison
Four hours?! Ughh…I can’t believe I’m driving four hours in this car to go to some stupid cheese factory, and some stupid yarn factory, when I could be at Jamie’s sweet sixteen!
(Opens the “door” of the “car” and gets out. She stands outside the car for a moment, then gets back inside)
There.
Joan
Thank you, honey.
Jackson
Let’s get out of here!
Jim
(starts the car)
And…we’re off! Woohoooo!
Joan, Jackson
Yayy! Woohoooo!
Madison
Mom, can you pass me my ear phones?
Joan
Doesn’t look like your ear phones are up here, sweetie.
Madison
Yes, they are… I put them right on the dashboard this morning so I wouldn’t forget them when we left the house.
Joan
Well, they must be around here somewhere…ear phones can’t just get up and walk away!
(Laughs hysterically at her own joke…Jim joins her in laughter)
Jim
Good one, honey! Let me just enhance the humor of your joke now…here goes…what has no legs and can’t run away?
Joan
What?!
Jim
Ear phones!
(Laughs hysterically)
See what I did there? I took your joke, and made it funnier by putting my own spin on it!
Madison
Wasn’t funnier…
Jackson
I sure thought it was, Dad! You are so funny!
Jim
Well if you liked that one, you’ll love this one… Okay… What does have legs, and took the ear phones off of the dashboard and buried them in the backyard before we left?
Joan
What? What?!
Jim
Me!
(They all laugh except Madison)
Madison
You did what?!
Jim
It was for your own good, honey.
Madison
Please tell me you didn’t actually do that!
Jackson
It was for your own good!
Madison
Shut up!
Jackson
You shut up!
Jim
Both of you shut up! Listen… I’m trying to protect you from hearing loss! I read somewhere, some guy was saying that future generations are going to be deaf from those things…or something.
Madison
You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you?
Jim
I don’t need to have an idea of what I’m talking about, I’m your father!
Jackson
You tell her, Dad!
Jim
Not to mention this is a family vacation. I didn’t want you to be disconnected from the family. We are a family!
Madison
Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong in this family!
Joan
Now dear, don’t say such things…of course we’ve all noticed you’re a bit strange, but—
Madison
I’m strange?!
Jim
Darn tootin’ you are!
Jackson
You’re a freak!
Madison
I would say judging by this car ride alone that you three are the strange ones here!
Jackson
There’s one thing that makes you strange! You think we’re strange!
Madison
Just because I don’t do half of the weird stuff that you guys do does not make me the strange one!
Jackson
Name one weird thing that we do!
Madison
(pause)
How about your reaction to this? (pause) Friggin’.
Jackson
Swear!
Joan
Swear!
Jim
Swear chant!
(Just as they are about to begin the swear chant again they stop suddenly. The car has run out of gas.)
Jackson
Why’d you stop the car, dad?
Jim
Well, son… it appears that something is wrong.
Joan
(Genuinely concerned) What gives you that idea Jim, dear?
Jim
Well honey, the car… stopped going.
Jackson
What?
Jim
The car… has stopped… moving.
Joan
Is it angry?
Jim
If I had to guess…I would say it felt uncomfortable hearing a 16-year-old girl swearing like a sailor. It didn’t know how to react.
Madison
Cars do not have feelings, Dad, are you kidding me?
Jim
How dare you say such a thing!
Madison
I’m sure it just ran out of gas, I told you that the gas light was on before we left.
Jim
Well, since we have no clue what caused that car to stop, I guess we have no choice but to stay here until we figure something out.
Madison
Dad, I just told you, we probably just—
Jim
So to pass the time, I guess we’ll just have to think of something to do.
Jackson
Let’s play find the sarcasm again!
Jim
It doesn’t work like that son, and besides, that’s a game for me and your mother.
Madison
Guys, seriously, all we have to do is call—
Jim
I know what we can do!
Joan
What dear?
Jim
(Begins to sing the song ‘tomorrow’ from Annie in an overly-dramatic manner) The sun will come out! Tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrowww!
Madison
Guys, this is ridiculous, come on—
Joan, Jackson
(Joining him) There’ll be sunnn!
Madison
We just have to call—
Jim
Very good! (Becoming increasingly more dramatic) When I’m stuck with a day—
Joan
A day!
Jim
That’s gray—
Jackson
That’s gray!
Jim
And lonely! I just stick out my chin—
(There is a pause as no one in the car echoes the word chin. Jim, Joan, and Jackson all look at Madison in anticipation. Jim sings directly at Madison at an increased volume.)
I just stick out my chin…my chin…my CHIN!
Madison
(Yelling) I’m not going to sing the stupid song!
(There is an awkward silence as the family stares at Madison in shock.)
Jackson
But…but, that’s your part. It’s always been your part. You have to sing it.
Madison
No, Jackson! No…the thing is, I don’t have to sing that part. I don’t have to do any of the weird stuff that you guys do! I’m not a weirdo like you (points to Jackson) or like you (points to Joan) and especially not like you! (points to Jim).
Jackson
(Sniffling) But without you the song—
Madison
I don’t care about the stupid song!
Jim
What type of person doesn’t care about the song “Tomorrow” from the hit Broadway musical Annie?! You know what I think? I think we’ll just have to call you Mrs. Hannigan!
Madison
Ahhh! Oh my God, you just don’t get it, do you?!
Joan
Inside voice, dear.
Madison
No! I will not use my inside voice! I will not sing your stupid show tunes, or do your stupid swear chant, or use my stupid inside voice! I can’t take it anymore! (Points to Jim again) How did I end up with a dad as weird as you?!
Jim
(Quietly, hurt) What are you trying to say, Madi—
Madison
I’m trying to say that I wish I could just have a new dad, even just for one day! A dad who doesn’t make weird animals noises, and sing annoying show tunes off key, and—
Jim
(Burst into tears) Okay! I get it…no need to say more!
Joan
Oh, Jim—
Jim
(Through his tears) No! Just let me cry! Ahhhh I can’t (gasp) even (gasp) breathe right now! (gasp, gasp)
Jackson
Way to go, Madison!
Madison
Shut up! (Trying to hide the guilt she feels from making her father feel this way) He’s probably not even really crying…
Jim
(Turns around quickly to face her) Do these tears look fake to you?! (Leans into his wife’s shoulder, crying overdramatically. There is an awkward moment of silence as Joan comforts Jim enough for him to finally calm down.) You know…when you were little you used to beg me to sing show tunes. We used to sing “Tomorrow” from the moment you woke up in the morning until the moment you went to bed. I guess I never realized that someday you wouldn’t want to be little orphan Annie anymore. (Starts crying again, as if the thought is too much to bear.)
Madison
Dad… I’m… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to make you cry. I didn’t mean to upset you like this.
Jim
Well, did you think it would make me feel good to hear you say that you want a new dad?!
Madison
I didn’t mean… no… Dad. Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean I want a new Dad. I just said it without thinking. Please don’t cry, I really didn’t want you to cry. I don’t want any Dad but you.
Jim
(Stares at her for a moment) You mean it?
Madison
Of course I mean it…You may be totally crazy, and do some really…strange…things, but you’re also the kindest, most caring man I know. And I wouldn’t trade you for the world.
(Madison reaches over the seat and hugs him tight. Joan and Jackson join them and they all group hug.)
Jim
When I’m stuck with a day—
Joan
A day!
Jim
That’s gray—
Jackson
That’s gray!
Jim
And lonely! I just stick out my chin—
Madison
(Pause, the whole family looks at Madison, she hesitates then sings very loudly) MY CHIN!
Jim
And grin! AND SAYYYYY!
Jim, Joan, Jackson, Madison
The sun will come out, tomorrow! So you gotta hang on ‘till tomorrow! Come what may! Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow! You’re always a day awayyy!
(Lights fade on the family singing the end of the song. The end.)
Tiger Lily Eulogy
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TIGER LILY EULOGY
By
Kiana LF
Spaulding High School
CHARACTERS: Sasha McAllister: 18. A girl in mourning.
Ross McAllister: 45. The single Father of Sasha.
Ryder Wells: 19. A childhood friend of Sasha.
Patricia Shepherd: 65. Pastor at the Whitland Episcopalian Fellowship
SCENE: A memorial service in a church.
AT RISE: Sasha walks into a room dimly lit, with four chairs set in a row. She walks over to the third chair and sits for a moment, exhibiting no expression. She rests her head in her hands and lets out a jaded sigh.
ROSS
(Offstage)
Sasha?
(Pause)
Honey?
(Pause)
Are you in there?
(Walks in slowly, stage right, with an urn in his hands)
I couldn’t find you anywhere.
SASHA
Well, I’m right here.
ROSS
(With hesitation he walks a few steps closer to SASHA)
Almost everyone from the Fellowship is here. Everyone is out in the lobby, would it be okay with you if I opened the door and let them in?
(Short pause)
If you need some more time, you can have it.
(Long pause)
(Walks and sits next to SASHA)
Can I let them in?
SASHA
It doesn’t matter as long as you don’t make me move.
ROSS
You’ll have to line up with me once the doors open.
SASHA
Do I have to?
ROSS
Yes. Try to be social for once.
SASHA
(Standing up)
Said the man to his recluse daughter.
ROSS
(Places urn on the first seat)
(Walking up stage to a set of double doors)
Try to keep your “charming” attitude in check. Please and thank you.
SASHA
(Walking to stage right)
I’ll try.
(Stops and turns towards ROSS)
So I just stand here?
ROSS
(Opens the doors)
Yup.
(Walks over and stands next to SASHA)
People are going to line up and give you their condolences. I figured you would know that.
SASHA
I was just making sure.
(Guests begin to walk in and talk to ROSS and SASHA)
ROSS
(Shaking hands of guests)
Hello Mrs. Abrams, thank you for coming.
SASHA
(Shaking hands of guests)
Yes, thank you.
(To ROSS)
Dad…
ROSS
(Shaking hands of guests)
Dave! I haven’t seen you in ages. How is the wife doing?
SASHA
(Shaking hands of guests)
We got the casserole, thank you so much.
(To ROSS urgently)
Dad, I really…
ROSS
(Shaking hands of guests)
Sasha and I miss her terribly, but we’re doing okay. Thanks for showing up.
SASHA
(Shaking hands of guests)
Yes, thank you for coming.
(RYDER enters, with a bouquet in hand)
RYDER
(Walks to ROSS)
Mr. McAllister, I am so sorry for your loss. It is such a shame that she passed.
ROSS
Thank you for coming Ryder.
RYDER
(Walks up to SASHA hesitantly)
Hey Sassy.
SASHA
(Looks up in disbelief)
Oh my god.
(Starts to cry)
Ryder.
RYDER
I wouldn’t miss this.
(Starts to tear up)
I’m here for you Sassy.
(Lets go of the embrace, and holds up the bouquet)
I knew that you and your mom loved tiger lilies, and I saw them at the florist. I figured you would want something to remind you of her.
SASHA
Thank you so much Ryder.
They are beautiful.
(Still crying, kisses RYDER)
RYDER
I know that is going to be a really hard time for you, and I’m going to be here every step of the way.
ROSS
(Glaring at SASHA)
Sasha, we have guests that you need to greet.
SASHA
Dad.
ROSS
(Shaking hands of guests)
It still hasn’t sunk in fully. Thanks for being here.
SASHA
(Shaking hands of guests)
We got the card, thank you very much.
(To ROSS)
Dad…
ROSS
(Shaking hands of guests)
(Does not make eye contact with SASHA)
Honey, I’m busy.
SASHA
(Shaking hands of guests)
Dad, please.
ROSS
Sasha.
SASHA
(Shaking hands of guests)
Dad. I need…
ROSS
You are being rude, stop it.
SASHA
(Stops shaking hands of guests)
(To ROSS)
Will you listen to me!?
ROSS
Sasha, I’m talking to someone.
SASHA
(Starting to tear up)
Dad!
ROSS
What is wrong with you? I was in the middle of a conversation!
SASHA
Dad, I really don’t think I can do this.
ROSS
You have to do this. There is no option.
SASHA
Dad, I can’t do this.
(Begins to cry)
I can’t.
ROSS
You are going to stand in that line and help me greet people, do you understand me?
SASHA
I don’t want to!
ROSS
I know you don’t want to, but it is something that needs to be done.
SASHA
Can I please just sit down? I don’t know any of these people. I don’t want to cry anymore. I already feel like I’m going to be sick.
ROSS
No Sasha. Mourning is a hard process, and it takes a long time, but it will all get better.
SASHA
I know that Dad, but I need a break.
ROSS
Fine, but you are reading that eulogy. No excuses.
SASHA
(Walking to the third seat)
Fine.
(Sits in the chair and rests her face in her hands)
(PATRICIA enters)
PATRICIA
(Walks over to ROSS)
How are you and Sasha doing? This has been a rough year for you two.
(Hugs ROSS)
ROSS
I’m doing okay. I’m not quite how well Sasha is holding up. She doesn’t talk very much anymore; tensions have been running high since the divorce.
PATRICIA
She’ll come around eventually; she has a lot of emotions to work through right now.
If you need any help, I’m here.
ROSS
It’s certainly not easy, thanks for being here Patricia.
PATRICIA
It’s no problem at all, once you’re ready to start let me know.
ROSS
I think we’re ready to start.
PATRICIA
Okay, I’ll be up in a minute.
ROSS
(Walks up to the podium)
We’ll start the sermon in a moment. But before the sermon, I would like to thank you for being here and for everything you have done for us. We are so lucky to have such a large support system.
PATRICIA
Alright, let’s start the sermon. Everyone sit down. Sasha, please hand me the urn.
(SASHA walks to PATRICIA and gives her the urn)
(PATRICIA puts the urn on a side table next to the podium)
(ROSS, RYDER, and SASHA all sit in the row of chairs)
PATRICIA
(Standing at the podium)
I will take nothing away from the grief that you feel today. I will not say that everything is all right; because it’s not, and you know it. You’re hurt, and we know you will hurt for a long time. God made us so that we can have relationships with one another and when that relationship is lost we feel pain. You have lost a loved one and it hurts.
SASHA
No shit Sherlock.
ROSS
Be quiet, this is your mothers sermon.
PATRICIA
The thought of comfort is that God has prepared a place for us. The Bible tells us that in six days God created the heavens the earth, but just think, Jesus has been preparing a place for us for over two thousand years. What a place that must be. A room for Kimberly, a room for you, and room for me. Isn’t that a comforting thought? God has prepared a place for us.
RYDER
(Whispers to SASHA)
I hope mine has room service.
SASHA
(Whispered)
I hope mine has a hot tub.
ROSS
Do I have to separate you two? Be respectful. Shut your mouths.
SASHA
Sorry Dad.
PATRICIA
Ross, would you like to say a few words?
ROSS
(Stands up)
Sure.
(Walks to podium)
Kimberly was an amazing woman. She was very loving and always saw the silver lining. Every day that passes by I miss her a little bit more. Today is a day for mourning, and celebrating her life. I’m happy that so many of you could come. Now Sasha is going to read the eulogy.
(Long pause)
RYDER
Don’t back out now. You have to do this.
SASHA
It’s easier said than done.
RYDER
You can do it sassy. I know you can do it.
SASHA
(Walks up to the podium)
Well, I knew my mom for 18 years. She was the most beautiful and caring woman I knew. She touched the hearts of many, she was always honest, and she would always tell the cheesiest knock-knock jokes.
(Smiles, tears coming to her eyes)
She had a huge heart, and she loved with all of her being.
(Wipes here eyes)
She never wished pain upon others, and she always stayed positive. No matter what was in her way, she always saw the upside. Nothing was too much for her to deal with on her own.
(Starting to improvise, not looking at her paper)
She never asked for help, she was always self reliant.
(Starting to lose control of her emotions)
She was so depressed. She felt alone, and she couldn’t get control.
ROSS
(Standing up)
Honey, let’s go get you some tissues.
SASHA
My mother was the bravest person I knew. She didn’t know what to do, and she didn’t get help.
(In complete hysterics)
She was sick of the pain and she left me.
ROSS
(Rushing up to the podium)
Sasha! Honey, we’ll get you some tissues and you can calm down.
(Starts to walk with SASHA to the bathroom)
SASHA
(Pulls away)
Don’t touch me!
ROSS
(Looks around)
Honey, I know it’s hard. It’s just as hard for me as it is you, but you need to get your emotions in check. That was not appropriate.
SASHA
(Pulls away from ROSS, still mildly crying)
What? Just as hard for you as it is me? You’re the one who left!
(Raises voice, begins to become hysterical)
You’re the one who decided you didn’t love her anymore! I knew Mom for who she was! I loved her for who she was and she would want everyone to know the truth! Not this bullshit that you’re feeding everyone. She wasn’t okay. This wasn’t an accident. She wanted out because of you!
(Silence)
PATRICIA
(Walks up to podium)
Well, it looks like the family needs some time….
There will be some refreshments in the basement for all of you to enjoy.
ROSS
(Steps towards SASHA while yelling)
You know I still loved your mother. You know that I will always love your mother.
(Starts to tear up)
You know I didn’t mean to hurt her.
SASHA
Whether you meant to or not, you did.
ROSS
(Interrupts)
Don’t you think I feel responsible for her death?
PATRICIA
(Still standing at the podium)
There will be some refreshments in the basement for all of you to enjoy.
ROSS
(Raising his voice)
Don’t you think I know that I caused her depression?
(Starting to yell)
I tried to get her help Sasha!
(Full on hysterics)
I Tried!
I tried, and she wouldn’t listen.
(Long pause)
RYDER
(Stands up, walks over to Sasha and hugs her)
Mr. McAllister, I’ll stay with her and you can get yourself some tissues.
(ROSS Exits)
RYDER
(Hugs SASHA)
Let it out Sassy.
SASHA
She’s gone. She is never coming back. She’ll never see me get married; she’ll never see me graduate. It’s like she never existed.
RYDER
Sasha.
(Puts his hands on SASHA’S shoulders, and looks her in the eye)
(SASHA is slightly calmer. Still crying)
Look at me.
(Puts his hand on SASHA’S cheek)
She is never going to be gone. I know that is the cliché crap that everyone says, but it’s true. She will never leave you; she loved you more than anything else in this world. She sees you, from where ever she is.
(Embraces SASHA again)
It wasn’t any one’s fault that she didn’t get help.
(ROSS enters)
ROSS
I got you some tissues.
(SASHA lets go of RYDER)
SASHA
I’m sorry Dad.
(Walks over to Ross)
(Silence)
ROSS
(Hugs SASHA)
I just wish I could tell her that I love her.
(PATRICIA enters)
PATRICIA
I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?
ROSS
No. You’re not.
(Wipes eyes)
(Lets go of Sasha, walks to PATRICIA)
What do you need?
PATRICIA
I need with some of the food platters in my car. Everyone is in the basement if you want to come down.
ROSS
Yeah, I’ll be right out to help you.
(To SASHA)
After I help Patricia we’ll head down, okay?
RYDER
(Walks over to ROSS)
Mr. McAllister, these are for you and Sassy.
(RYDER gives ROSS the bouquet)
ROSS
(Hug RYDER)
Thank you for coming Ryder, the flowers are beautiful.
(ROSS picks up the bouquet, and exits)
RYDER
Do you want to go down for the crappy snacks and punch?
(Long pause)
SASHA
(Quietly)
I love you Ryder.
(Embraces RYDER)
RYDER
I love you too.
ROSS
(Offstage)
Honey, are you coming down?
SASHA
(Yelling back to ROSS)
In a minute Dad!
RYDER
Let’s go.
(Kisses SASHA on the forehead)
(RYDER slowly exits the room, until she sees that SASHA isn’t leaving)
What are you doing? I thought you wanted to go.
SASHA
I need a little bit more time here.
(RYDER exits)
(A spot light goes up on SASHA’S chair. There is a single purple tiger lily on the seat. She walks over to the chair and picks up the flower. She sits in the chair and begins to examine the flower.)
SASHA
A lot can change in a year.
(The lights go down and you can hear SASHA sigh)
