cancer

I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean it. I thought it was gone for good! I’m confused. I need you. You can’t just die. No I wont let you. Please. I can’t do this all on my own. If you go, I will pull the trigger. If you leave, I will jump off the stool. If you die, my blood will paint the bathroom floor. I don’t want you to leave me. What will I have left? Your memories? Pictures? It isn’t the same! I need to smell the perfume I bought you for Christmas on living skin. Not a pale white coffin victim. I need to see your face, hold your hand, here your laugh. I need the fights we have each morning. I need to wipe my tears on your warm shoulder, need to feel your hands putting a blanket on me late at night as I dream. I need you to stay. I need you. I need you. The cancer can wait to have you, but I can’t. I need you.

Going on 7 years
You are still my entire life
You are something to
Cry about
Think about
Talk about
Why You left
No surprise
For a horrible year and a half
my 9 year old self knew
We all knew
But pretended to hope
and how would that help?
When the prayers
Thoughts
surgery
Radiation
And chemo didn’t
I was only nine, my sister 7, my brother 5
But you left

I don't get
Why you smoke
Waste away your life
In embers and ashes

Sounds stupid to me

Are you trying
To kill yourself?
Whether or not
You were addicted
Before or after

I don't care
She died of cancer
Which you can cause
By inhaling
By exhaling

That alone
Should make you
Want to stop

So it's not easy
Life's not easy
You've gotten through
Half of yours
And you've probably
Leaned on friends and family

Well
That's what you
Need to do

There are people
Who care about you
Why won't you care
About yourself?

Too many great people
Pass away
From things they can't
Control

Wouldn't it be a waste
To pass away from something
You can control?

Life has purpose
If you feel like
You have nothing left
To offer
You're pretty stupid

You're a role model
For me
For her
For so many people

You were there for us
Let us be there for you

I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean it. I thought it was gone for good! I’m confused. I need you. You can’t just die. No I wont let you. Please. I can’t do this all on my own. If you go, I will pull the trigger. If you leave, I will jump off the stool. If you die, my blood will paint the bathroom floor. I don’t want you to leave me. What will I have left? Your memories?

In 2002 my mom found out that she had cancer. At one point, she couldn't take care of me anymore. So I was sent to live with my cousins in Biddiford, Maine. At first it was really scary, but then I got used to it. It was really stressing to know that my mom was suffering and I couldn't see her for two months.

For most people, nightmares happen during the night.
These nightmares are only figments of their imaginations,
Dreams gone wrong.

I am not most people.

For me, night is the only time of peace.
The only time when I can escape the horror chasing me everyday.
I can’t outrun it, I can’t hide from it.
It is a part of me.

An evil part,
Robbing me of my strength and dignity.