growing up

My fingers brush
Over the keys
As I softly
Create a chord
Which transitions
Into the rhythm

With the other hand
I compose a melody
And suddenly
I'm reminded
Of that last day in June

We played a duet
Our hands caressing
The enharmonics
When all they really wanted
Was each other

Tears come to my eyes
And trickle down my cheeks
When I remember
How we used to play tag
Or golf
We didn't care
As long as we were together

And then
That day came
When everything fell apart
There was no going back
And I knew I shouldn't do it
But it happened
I did scribble that letter
Ending it
Once and for all
Thinking we could still be friends
I suppose
You had other obligations

Not a week later
I see you with her
Fingers entwined
A privilage never offered to me
Not in public

It hurt
But I didn't cry
I was too far beyond crying
The waterworks had broken
With the rest of the factory

Some engineer came
And started to design a new building

The first day
I felt like an idiot
I couldn't remember
Anything
Which was more frustrating
Than a creamee
Sliding from its cone

It seemed like
I was an outcast
' didn't want to talk
' seemed to be
Pushing me away
It was unnerving

' hard tone
When ' spoke
Like ' just wanted me
No where near '

It was a little better
Day two
But not by much
Especially
The knowledge I gained
From ' friend

And now
I don't know
I guess
It was a little
Better
Today

But I can't say

I do miss the old one
What a joke
But maybe ' still there
And I'm too blind
To see

click

And where's my
Knight in shining armor?
Where's his white horse?
His polished saddle?
His valiant beast-slaying?
His eyes as blue as sapphires?
His voice like a dream?

And where's my
Golden braid?
Where's my gorgeous vocals?
My bread and cheese?
My soft, feather bed?
My favorite novels?
My impossibly high tower?

And where's your
Story book?
Where's your colored pictures?
Your bedtime tale?
Your comfy pajamas?
Your mother's soft voice?
Your father tucking you in?

And where's my
Head gone?
Where's my sagacity?
My maturity?
My sense of realism?
My textbooks and dead, white men?
My 10-page essay?

It's gone.

Just for this moment
When I can remember
Wishing as a young girl
In my teddy-bear pajamas
That someday
My prince would come.

Let's just
Get one thing
Straight:

We can't
Fall
In love

You'll be
Back in
Japan
In a week

I'll be
Back to
My life

We'll never
See each other
Again

It's not
A good
Situation

I'm supposed
To be teaching
You

You're supposed
To be listening

Why is this
So complicated?

You're
Who I thought
I was looking for

And just a note, I'm listening to my iPod and "All I Ask Of You" just popped up on shuffle.

I think
We'd be
Amazing
Together

But you
Remind me
Too much
Of the last

Begging me
To take
Down my hair

Staring
Into my eyes
And laughing
At me
As I laugh
At you

Asking me
If I'm
Okay
When I
Disappear
On to the deck
Where
It's pouring rain

On the same boat
Where he said
"I love you"
To me
For the first time
Two years ago

Like I said
We'd be
Awesome

But you're
Going back
And I'm
Staying
And you're
Just like him

But better

She wobbles in
With her husband
I guess
Late 70's

Her glasses
Big and red-rimmed
Ugly on anyone
But her

Bright red hair
Not yet greyed
By age
Or stress

I'm surprised
I can see where
She's smiled
For all those years

Some of her teeth
Are missing
She's got wrinkles
Everywhere

The husband's lower lip
Juts out in an underbite
His lopsided smile
Is contagious

It's obvious they were
A beautiful couple
In their
Younger years

Technically
They still are
You can just feel
Their radiating love

Years and years
Of being together
Probably since
Late teens

Amazing
Inspiring
Hard to
Comprehend

I wonder
If I'll spend
Most of my life
Like that

Or if I'll
End up
Getting divorced
More than once

Be careful
Choose with caution
Don't be hasty
Think it through

Hope for the best
Because you've seen
The little old lady
Love her little old husband

And you wish
For a relationship
That will last
Just like theirs

I'm amazed
At myself
At how much
I've written

A little over
Two weeks
And I'm
A freakin' poet

I can't stop
Poetizing everything
That comes to mind

That I think
That I feel
That I see

I'm an artist

My paintbrush
A blue ballpoint

My canvas
100 sheets of
Lined paper
In a spiral notebook

I'm a musician

Playing notes
With my keyboard
Keeping in time
With my heart

Screw the conductor
This is all improv
I don't need boundaries

They're restrictive
They're for starters
They're not for me

I like who I've become
I like who I'm becoming
I like who I am

I may not inspire others
Just by writing
But I'm inspiring myself
And trust me

That's the hardest of all

A paper crane
On my bookshelf
Reminds me
Of you

I see
The old
Origami
You made me

Back when
We were
Going out

The butterfly
Made from a
Worksheet we
Had
In Spanish class

The first
And most
Beautiful

It's dusty
From sitting
In my car
From Eighth grade
Science class

From not being
Looked at
Or touched
In a year

There's
The shell
The two
Dinosaurs

The star box
That you
Gave me
When we went
And saw
The Pirates
Of Penzance

The gargoyle
That someone
Drew eyes on
In pink pen

A yellow
Paper airplane
And some neat
Little ball
That probably
Took you hours
To make

Looking at
The origami
Reminds me
Of the letter
You sent me
When I went
To conservation camp

The one
Where you say
We should hang
At the Block Party
Where you write
"I Love You"
In a secret code
You made up
Yourself

The one
Where you drew
Tic-Tac-Toe
With more Xs
Than Os and
Drew a big X
By connecting
The little ones

Scribbled

Bike
To the playground

Walk
To the middle

Lay
On the structure

Stick
Headphones in your ears

Pass
One to me

Press
In my ear

Listen
To the soundwaves

Dismiss
The beauty

Stop

Wonder
About the world

Think
About the sun

Contemplate
The rain

Remove
Music from aural orifice

Smile
To myself

Remember
The last two years

Growing

Maturing

Becoming
Who we are

Smirk
At life

Know

This is how it should be

I used to wish
That I was Peter Pan

I never wanted to grow up

Drama
Guys
Sticky situations
Paying rent
Holding a job

Yuck

Sure
I wanted to be old enough
To get my license and drive a car

That's about it

I hated change
And everything
That came with it

The pain
The insecurity
The long nights

Wondering
What I'd do without
The teachers that'd
Stuck by me
That held me up

Every time
Change occured
I'd cry and be
Depressed

8th grade graduation
Was the most horrifying
Experience of my life

I didn't want to go
To high school
And leave Elfman

I was leaving Mr. H
Who had become a
Great mentor and friend

I was a mess

I knew I'd have my friends
But most of them didn't
Understand what I
Was going through

I didn't want to talk
With my mom or anyone
For that matter

I curled up inside
And cried to myself

I got to high school
It wasn't too bad
I started enjoying it
A few of my teachers
Were pretty cool

I remember
Sitting on
The frame
Of the barn
Your dad was
Building
40 feet up
In the air
We'd stashed
Sour Cream
And Onion Pringles
In the back
Of our pants
And grape
Warhead spray
In our pockets
So we could
Clamber up
The side of the barn
And watch everything
The chickens
The goats
Cows on the next farm
I remember
Going up
To your room
You'd just got
A 2000 computer
With a Tarzan game
We'd play with trolls
In a dollhouse
Or shoot darts
Or laugh a flies
Trying to unstick
Themselves from the
Flypaper
I remember
You showing me
How to tell if
A snowboard was
The right height
I remember
Wanting so badly
To be able to
Balance on your
Voodoo board
And working on it
While you conquered
Another town in
Your dumb computer game
That I always
Wanted to watch
I remember
Smashing black walnuts
With your mom
On a chopping block
By your fireplace
You'd hit your thumb
With the hammer
And white tape
Was wrapped around
Gauze
I remember

I look over
What I wrote
Yesterday

Depression
Gloom
Hopelessness

And it was all
Wrong

None of the things
I thought
Are actually
True

Regrets?
No
Just lessons learned

Stupid?
No
Just human

Sorry?
No
And I'm not
In trouble with myself
Anymore

Forgive
But don't
Forget

The chat really
Helped
And I've decided
What to do

I'll be the moth
That knows when
To burn up
And how much
Of myself
To burn

That way
I can be
Part of the beauty
Multiple times

And now
Everyone's cool
I'm zen
Too
Zen with the entirety
Of life

I thought talking
To you
Would be awkward
Was it?

Hell yeah!

But it helped
So much

I'm glad you guys
Are here
And I'll be sad
When we
Depart

But I thought
I wouldn't make it through
The first time
Or the second

Yet here I am!

I'm as awesome
As I've ever been
And I'll get awesomer
As I go

I'm sorry it was
Uncomfortable
And I'm sorry it was
Awkward
But I'm glad
It happened

I am just to old for this world.
Too grown up?
Too mature?
I close my eyes, and hope that when I open them,
I will be young again... my youth restarting.
I never asked to turn 18.
I never wanted to grow old.
You are "too young" for only once in your life,
but after that... you're always "too old"
I still have the heart of a child...
but that matters little in a world

Looking through a portfolio
of pretty,
simple
fifth grade artwork,

back when I painted
beaches
and
smiling stick-figures,

I wonder:

what was the trigger
that provoked me to start
inserting
pain,
into each
image?

When did I
forget how
to paint
happiness?

(For those of you wanting just the pain, feel free to skip down the page a bit.)