pain

My English teacher's parents were killed in a car crash two school-years ago Memorial Weekend. This past Memorial Day weekend, she stood up in front of the class and told us. We all knew, of course we all knew, but she told us. My English teacher used, "murdered", not "killed". She said that she might not be able to hold it together the following week and that we might have a sub. My English teacher was usually this very light, calm person whom I admire to this day but when she was giving us a heads up, she was solemn and removed. I could almost see tears starting to form in her eyes but perhaps it was the light reflected off her glasses. She was in pain and all of us as students were noticeably uncomfortable. Was she going to start bawling? What should we do if she did? As a human being, I wanted to go hug her, comfort her, but as a student, that would have been inappropriate. As a human being, I was in pain just listening to her be in pain. It was horrible.

Do you realize,
that for everytime you
left me hanging on the internet,
everytime you said nothing to me,
everytime you didn't reply,
you managed to totally
tear,
break,
and
shatter
my heart,
throwing the tiny bleeding pieces
like you would a baseball.
Do you realize,
that your actions
speak louder than your words.
You no longer look at me,
but at her.
Do you realize,
That it wasn't what you said,
but what you didn't say,
that breaks me,
and hurts me,
and brings the tears.
The fact that you didn't care
about my feelings,
you still ignored me.
No matter what I said,
towards me,
you were still quiet.
The silence
cuts through my heart.
The lack of words,
whether spoken,
or written,
kills me.
And that's what you must realize.
But do you?

I Am The One

I am the one who will see you for who you are.
I am the one who will be there for you when you fall, always helping you stand tall.
I am the one who will make you laugh when nothing else works.
I am the one that will be there for your cry from pain, emotionally and physically.
I am the one who will make you feel confident and strong.
I am the one who will see your dreams as possibilities, and not something unrealistic.
I am the one that doesn’t care about your abilities, disabilities, race , gender, or anything that people will not accept.
I am the one person who is your best friend.

I don't want you to be lonely.

Your cheeks were puffy and swollen, and your eyes watery, void orbs.
You saw right past me for the first time.

Do you remember when we decided to run away together?
We packed extra socks, a blanket, Ritz crackers and apple juice into a duffel bag and headed down across the alfalfa field behind our house. The afternoon sun beat down on us as we slowly plodded towards the woods, the world...towards everything we thought we wanted.

But something called us back home .
Maybe it was physical hunger, or the feeling of alienation among the deafening silence of the open field, or maybe it was fear.

I grew up after that point believing that we would always come back to where we grew up, if only to feel warm and safe again.
I was wrong.

A little harsh word at the end, cave!

He's getting surgery
Again

His stupid job
Has hurt him
Too many times
In too many ways

He flexes his
Right hand
His muscles rippling
With little effort

This might be
The last time
He can do that

It's his shoulder
A worker's comp thing
Putting him
In physical pain

That's nothing
Compared
To not being able

To play catch
To manhandle a four-wheeler
To run a chainsaw
To stir dinner
To start a lawn mower
To shoot a gun
To chop wood

To hug his daughter tight

All the things
That make him
Who he is

I can remember him
Wincing in pain
As he put on his sling
Every morning

Dutifully squeezing
His physical therapy ball
To bring his muscles
Back into function

His right arm
Which once did reps
With my 10-year old body
May no longer work

What the fuck?

So much sadness
and anger
is balled up in my throat
too hard for me to swallow
too hard for me to let go

"why did this happen?"
I ask myself.
"how on earth, did this become such an issue for me?"
hmn...
"Is this all really my fault?"
The quesitons roll around in my thick skull
Forcing the ball to become sufficatingly big.

with each question,
came another tear, followed by one more
With the questions left unanswered,
I remained in silence
as the ball in my throat
grew larger
than what I had planned

"is there a reason why, I let this go on ignored?"
the pain comes as I try to swallow the ball,
and tears are rushing
down my smooth, soaked, cheeks
"it's all my fault...isn't it...?.."

Can't see,
through my flooded eyes
too much is happening
too many thoughts
too many questions without answers
too much time left in my life to get answers

my lungs are burning up,
like a forest fire
I can't breathe
I can't concentrate
I can't think
I can't do anything,
right now

darkness seems to eat me up
as the ball grows larger,
in my throat
the light in the room I'm in slowly seems
to be dropping down to almost a black
which only makes me cry harder,
making the tears come faster,
the ball in my throat doesn't release itself
there is no way for me to get rid of it

there is still,
way too much going on
I seem to be floating in the blackness
of pain,
agony,
sadness,
anger,
it tries to comfort me somehow
but all I do is try to ignore it
get rid of it
but ending up
hurting me worse than the ball in my throat
it sits there as if I swallowed a piece of iron,
metal, or steal,
but otherwise something that would still hurt
and not care to be causing pain

as the darkness seems to get darker, blacker
I close my eyes,
pushing out all of the tears of my eyes,
pouring them down my red cheeks
and in my attempt to shove away all of the blackness,
I end up blacking out, myself,
and going into a
deep,

"I don't love you
And I don't want you."
You have no idea
How those words
Affected me
At first they didn't
Make any sense
Nothing did
But eventually
It all sunk in
And my will to
Have a life
Of any sort
Disappeared completely
But I eventually decided
That I wouldn't
Move foreward
So that there
Wouldn't be a past
Filled with hurt
But you eventually
Came back and
Apologized
And I forgave you
And managed to
Move on with my life

No one can
Really help me
As much as they
All say that
They can
They really can't
No one understands
The suffering that
I endure
The pain that
I tough out
They all think
That I'm strange
For embracing darkness
But the truth is
Darkness is the
Only thing
That has kept me safe
All these years
So I will continue
To embrace it
Until it swallows
All of my pain
And gives me

It seems that
lately,
the only poems
flooding the inescapable pages
in my head
are either about
love
or
pain.

And I wonder:
is there a connection somewhere between them
that I have been blatantly ignoring?
My shelter is made of
frail mica and
shards of bottles,

so why has it taken me this long
to learn to see through it?

(For those of you wanting just the pain, feel free to skip down the page a bit.)

He brings back photographs from his travels:

children with bulging bellies that eat themselves,
with skin that is pulled taught against
sharp, painful ribs,
with black, watery eyes like marbles
that stare hungrily through the lens,
asking for
something,
with tiny,
shaking hands
outstretched.

And another:
a woman lying in the street,
leaning against a wall
behind

I lay locked in my head
All because of you
I sit alone and cry at night
All because of you
I hope that you're happy
Because my life is miserable
All because of you

Oh…
My head aches…
“All the way home!!!”
“Did yours turn on?”
“Please sit down!”
I am on a bus
Little kids all around
Sprinkled with elders.
Shopping,
That’s where I came from.
And now,
We are on the way home.
“Round round, round!”
“Did we have supper yet?”
“I said to sit down!!!”
I wish
That everyone would just be
Quiet.
“HA HA HA!”

Do You Remember?

By Sarah Levine
The Grammar School, Grade 8

I am small
and you are big
and powerful
but bigger isn't always
better
some man with knowing blue eyes
taught me that
I miss the grass
whispering sweet nothings in the warm August wind
calling out
to insects, couples, and human feet
back then we were equal
I never thought of you
as something that I had to
form to
only as someone
who was to be loved
there are so many
so many
but I will find my way
through this labyrinth of loss
and come out on the other side
glowing.

Find me.
Follow your past.
Follow your old love.
Find me.
Follow the blood as
black as coal.
Find me.
Ask a friend.
Ask yourself.
Will you let your old love die?
I know you.
I know your heart.
Do you know me?
Do you know my heart?

Sestina Korrina Dunbar

What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger.
I am strong because I push through the pain.
What makes me the happiest seems to only stay for a short period of time,
But this short period of time leaves a lasting impression.
What makes me sad is usually the thing that made me happy.