high school

My English teacher's parents were killed in a car crash two school-years ago Memorial Weekend. This past Memorial Day weekend, she stood up in front of the class and told us. We all knew, of course we all knew, but she told us. My English teacher used, "murdered", not "killed". She said that she might not be able to hold it together the following week and that we might have a sub. My English teacher was usually this very light, calm person whom I admire to this day but when she was giving us a heads up, she was solemn and removed. I could almost see tears starting to form in her eyes but perhaps it was the light reflected off her glasses. She was in pain and all of us as students were noticeably uncomfortable. Was she going to start bawling? What should we do if she did? As a human being, I wanted to go hug her, comfort her, but as a student, that would have been inappropriate. As a human being, I was in pain just listening to her be in pain. It was horrible.

Why does everything have to suck all at once?

I mean:

I know life isn't all bad. I have friends who make me smile; I have the best S.O. in the world; my family loves me; my teachers care; we have Barack Obama for freakin' president elect!

But I can't ever focus on those things - not when all the sucky things just mob you and take you down. It's like they shield you from all the good things in the world so that you... I don't know.

Damn it.

This is absurd - I have so much homework.

The list:
- Scan and translate 26 lines of the "Aeneid" for AP Virgil
- Study for French exam
- Write AP English essay defending, challenging, or qualifying a quote from MLK Jr.'s "Letter From Birmingham Jail"
- Finish the knight's tale from "The Canterbury Tales" for Early Brit. Lit.
- Pg. 885, lesson 5-1, #1-15 odds; Pg. 886, lesson 5-2, #1-5, 7, 9, 15, 16, 21, 25, 29 for Algebra IIA
- Write out vocab on pages 76-77, 80-81 for Spanish Chapter 3
- Complete decision sheet for Health
- SQ3R (take notes) Chapter 9 in American Government textbook

Dazed and dreaming
Float away
Watch the world
With an empty face
They call you beautiful
They call you smart
They say "your future's bright"
And that you have a big heart

So why does it feel
Like you're on your own
Even when you laugh
It's like you're all alone
They laugh along with you
They talk and they share
But still sometimes
It's like they aren't really there

Not on the same page
Not even the same book
They've got the right one
And you don't know where to look
Because everything you say
Just comes out wrong
And now you're wondering how long
You can play along

Before they can see through you
To call your bluffs
Before they realize what's happened
And say that they've had enough
How long will it take
til they figure it out?
How long will you last
Once they've figured you out?

Not long, probably...
You that's its true
And when all's said and done
They can laugh at you
On your own
Because
You already know
How to survive alone

You irritate me

You
With your promises
With your "maturity"

With your lies

You irritate me

You
Pretending to try
Pretending to be responsible

Pretending to be truthful

You irritate me

You
When are you going to stop?
When are you going to grow up?

When are you going to become dignified?

You irritate me

Stop being stupid

language alert --gg

Lies

That's all this high school career is

Lies

We tell ourselves we're going to be responsible
We're actually going to try this year
We want to do well and so we're going to try

Best friend

Boyfriend

What does BF stand for nowadays?
It doesn't matter to me
You're the same thing
But more signicant than boyfriend

It's hard for others to believe
But you are
I'm pretty sure only a slight few
Could truly understand
The ones who have gone through this as well

This is special
No one is going to take is away
You're mine 'till the end

You're
The only one
Who I feel will stand by my side
Who won't leave me because they can

You're
The only one
Who can make me truly happy

You're
The only one
Who understands me
The real me
Me

You're
The only one
You

♥

My stomach grumbles but I won't eat; I'm not hungry. All emotion and pain is wiped away because I can't seem to feel anything without you here and therefore, I never feel anything but euphoria. I wish you were here to entwine your fingers in mine, to wrap your arms around me, to gaze and to sniff my hair. I don't feel like a person, more like Bella without Edward - empty. At least you didn't willingly leave me in a poor attempt to save me. Dearest, no matter how many times I tell you this, it will always mean the same thing - I miss you more than I've ever missed (anyone)anything before, I love you more than I've ever loved (anyone)anything before, and I need you more than I've ever needed (anyone)anything before.

I've never been this emotionally screwed up and I've never enjoyed life more. Thank you for everything.

This day is going by slowly
We've only finished two blocks
It feels like forever

And then after school
I'm not going to be there
I won't be signed on to talk

Why do I need you so badly?

Sweatshirt scents fade
Tears wash them away
Over-sniffing causes neutralization

Etched memories are worn away
I can't remember your eyes
I'm dying

Why do I need you so badly?

Little things I hear in the halls
Other people's voices
Echo like yours

Where we first met, an empty memory
Because you're not there
We're not waiting

Why do I need you so badly?

I'm sitting here, waiting
I know that you're sick
Why am I still here?

Holding on to the slight chance
You'll show up
I want to pour out everything

I love talking about this
There are so many people
Bored to death with me

It's nice to have someone
Someone else going through
Almost the same thing

So, where are you?
Why aren't you here?
When can we talk?

Running through the woods,
Searching through my dreams,
The sun's about to rise,
My life to begin.

The stars beining to fade,
Their guidence starts to leave me,
I'm on my own, running,
The thrill of it, fleeting.

Opitions staring to open,
The trees thining,
I can finally see the sky,
As the sun begins it's rise.

What will I do between it's rise and setting,
Where will I be when it ends,
Will I be satisfied with my setting sun,
Or will I be left with anger, bitterness,
Blinded; unseeing in the light.

All of this opens up,
As the sun begins to rise.

My fingers brush
Over the keys
As I softly
Create a chord
Which transitions
Into the rhythm

With the other hand
I compose a melody
And suddenly
I'm reminded
Of that last day in June

We played a duet
Our hands caressing
The enharmonics
When all they really wanted
Was each other

Tears come to my eyes
And trickle down my cheeks
When I remember
How we used to play tag
Or golf
We didn't care
As long as we were together

And then
That day came
When everything fell apart
There was no going back
And I knew I shouldn't do it
But it happened
I did scribble that letter
Ending it
Once and for all
Thinking we could still be friends
I suppose
You had other obligations

Not a week later
I see you with her
Fingers entwined
A privilage never offered to me
Not in public

It hurt
But I didn't cry
I was too far beyond crying
The waterworks had broken
With the rest of the factory

Some engineer came
And started to design a new building

The first day
I felt like an idiot
I couldn't remember
Anything
Which was more frustrating
Than a creamee
Sliding from its cone

It seemed like
I was an outcast
' didn't want to talk
' seemed to be
Pushing me away
It was unnerving

' hard tone
When ' spoke
Like ' just wanted me
No where near '

It was a little better
Day two
But not by much
Especially
The knowledge I gained
From ' friend

And now
I don't know
I guess
It was a little
Better
Today

But I can't say

I do miss the old one
What a joke
But maybe ' still there
And I'm too blind
To see

20 chins

You lay
On my back

Stare at
The ceiling

Say penis
Like a child

Talk about
Poop sticks

Sigh
And say
Your eye
Is twitching

Grab my
iHome

State
That you'll
Plug it in

Finally do

I just
Write
Everything down
Laugh
At your reactions
To everything

So blunt
So out there

Not always
The best choice
Just always

You

I love
How we've
Become
Best friends

We tell
Each other

Everything

Laugh at
Each other's
Thoughts
Perceptions
Circumstances

And yet

We're always
There
And ready
To be
Understanding
Compassionate
Uplifting

I watch
Us

And smile
Loving how
We're opposites
North and south
Pulled together

Super magnets

Hope
We'll always
Be bestest friends

We always
Will be

Bike
To the playground

Walk
To the middle

Lay
On the structure

Stick
Headphones in your ears

Pass
One to me

Press
In my ear

Listen
To the soundwaves

Dismiss
The beauty

Stop

Wonder
About the world

Think
About the sun

Contemplate
The rain

Remove
Music from aural orifice

Smile
To myself

Remember
The last two years

Growing

Maturing

Becoming
Who we are

Smirk
At life

Know

This is how it should be

I used to wish
That I was Peter Pan

I never wanted to grow up

Drama
Guys
Sticky situations
Paying rent
Holding a job

Yuck

Sure
I wanted to be old enough
To get my license and drive a car

That's about it

I hated change
And everything
That came with it

The pain
The insecurity
The long nights

Wondering
What I'd do without
The teachers that'd
Stuck by me
That held me up

Every time
Change occured
I'd cry and be
Depressed

8th grade graduation
Was the most horrifying
Experience of my life

I didn't want to go
To high school
And leave Elfman

I was leaving Mr. H
Who had become a
Great mentor and friend

I was a mess

I knew I'd have my friends
But most of them didn't
Understand what I
Was going through

I didn't want to talk
With my mom or anyone
For that matter

I curled up inside
And cried to myself

I got to high school
It wasn't too bad
I started enjoying it
A few of my teachers
Were pretty cool

I should be
Studying

For Geometry
Latin
English

I should be
Writing out
All the things
I should know

And going over
And over
And over them

I should be
Doing something
More productive
Than sitting here
Typing
Hoping someone will
Read this and give me
Feedback

I should be
But I'm not

I'm wasting away
My little grey cells
Not worrying about
Knowing everything

And yet
I should be

I look over
What I wrote
Yesterday

Depression
Gloom
Hopelessness

And it was all
Wrong

None of the things
I thought
Are actually
True

Regrets?
No
Just lessons learned

Stupid?
No
Just human

Sorry?
No
And I'm not
In trouble with myself
Anymore

Forgive
But don't
Forget

The chat really
Helped
And I've decided
What to do

I'll be the moth
That knows when
To burn up
And how much
Of myself
To burn

That way
I can be
Part of the beauty
Multiple times

And now
Everyone's cool
I'm zen
Too
Zen with the entirety
Of life

I thought talking
To you
Would be awkward
Was it?

Hell yeah!

But it helped
So much

I'm glad you guys
Are here
And I'll be sad
When we
Depart

But I thought
I wouldn't make it through
The first time
Or the second

Yet here I am!

I'm as awesome
As I've ever been
And I'll get awesomer
As I go

I'm sorry it was
Uncomfortable
And I'm sorry it was
Awkward
But I'm glad
It happened

I wrote this poem in April (I think):

stressed
been working
so hard

the pain
it's almost
unbearable

my life
a drawing
erased
redrawn
started over

switching interests
can't make up
my mind

nothing stays the same
everything keeps
changing

i learned that
she's leaving
soon

no word on
whether or not
he'll stay

the emotion
the drama
too much
all at once

i need things
not to change
all the time

i'm growing up
getting older
my body tries
to catch up with my brain

everyone says
i'm mature
they trust me
to be perfect

but i'm still
learning
believe it
or not

they both
trust me
i need
them both

help

she said
she'll give me
her email address
but that's
not enough

i pray
they'll always
be there

and they won't

already
i've lost him
once

will i be able
to recover
if he's lost
again

we're closer now
than ever
before

we think each others
thoughts
we speak each others
words

They sat directly across from me, both seniors, a brunette with a wide smile and a pink coat next to a musclebound and blue-eyed boy with a neatly groomed goatee. The hoodie he wore covered most of his head, leaving only the essential parts for the act to be shown.

I couldn't hear a word they said for the ruckus on the bus, but I knew what he said. They always say the same things.

For more newsblogs
NYTIMES article on Principal who works on stress of his students.

I think that this article had some excellent insight to teenagers and stress during the four most important years. Not only is high school a transition into the real world, but the teenage years are crucial health times in terms of eating, sleep, and excercise. We are supposed to be getting about ten hours of sleep at night...some of us barely manage five between doing homework after sports and waking up early to go to school.

Trying to find my next class
in the maze of
cold lockers
and hallways that
seemed to squeeze me,
I suddenly changed,
broke away from
my confident self
and sunk into
uncertainty
and shyness.
Everyone looked like giants,
and
I was drowning in the crowd,
and still didn't feel
like I belonged at that school,
and I deflated so suddenly,
all the warm-happy-excited air