Suicide

Winter Carnival
A biting wind silently roars
A subtle knife tearing through me
Like cutting open a bursting net of dead fish
It spills into the now skeletal Carnival stalls
Aging them, to wash away the bawdy memories
while the empty colors fade
into a deeper haze of gray.

An arbitrating judge,
The Ferris wheel stands
High above the tumultuous hoards
Of confused and desperate emotion.
It deflects the sun’s pleading rays
Letting them fall rejected and useless
In the crisp sterile air.

You always said that life was a like a Ferris wheel
And I thought you meant it had its ups and downs
A roulette of good luck and bad
I thought you knew
You would always rise again
Under a golden crown of sunshine.
I thought that even in your sea of self
Pity, misery and shame,
You would still remember the smiles
Of crimson poppies, and eager crocuses,
The slobbery kisses of concord grape
A scent I thought impossible to forget

I waited until midnight, just like we'd planned. I tossed my blankets to the bottom of my bed and switched on my light. Heavy silence and summer heat slowing my every motion, I laced my chucks and grabbed my tattered backpack. I was already fully dressed, so I turned off the light and headed for the door. Once in the hallway, I turned again to face my room.

I waited until midnight, just like we'd planned. I tossed my blankets to the bottom of my bed and switched on my light. Heavy silence and summer heat slowing my every motion, I laced my chucks and grabbed my tattered backpack. I was already fully dressed, so I turned off the light and headed for the door. Once in the hallway, I turned again to face my room.

I watched, waiting
drifting so smoothly,
downwards, fading,
melting intensely,
I was hoping
you could see inside of you...
You're so beautiful
Dangerous,
You were,
so unfamiliar to me,
as you pushed me away.
Your
Voice
Shook.

"I see in my dreams the same things
People claim to see in life,
It's a torture I can't bear.
You're there floating here on your wings,