Ellie Laukaitis

Let's say
it happens.

[Please don't, please don't...]

All my fault, but not my fault at all....

a lesson on taking the blame:
I didn't do anything; I did everything.

I miss/need/love/hate/care

If it doesn't:

[Please, please!]

whatever horrible, disgusting, inhuman part of me that wanted,
for the drama,
for the emotions,
for whatever horrible reasons my frazzled brain could possibly present me with...

maybe that tiny brain cell
would feel sad.

That
life is good.

Literally.

No one knows why
No one knows how

and I know least of all.

[Please, please, he didn't do anything. Please.]

Selfishly, I'd be lonely
at NEs.
Selfishly.

Selfishly, I'd be angry
for his choices
and beliefs
and policies.

and maybe a little less selfishly,

I'd be mad that it was never
me.

Selfishly,
I sit here
and feel underprivileged
because I'm not up there with them
on faith. love. healing. family. values.

Please. Please. Please.

Let's say
it happens.

[Please don't, please don't...]

All my fault, but not my fault at all....

a lesson on taking the blame:
I didn't do anything; I did everything.

I miss/need/love/hate/care

If it doesn't:

[Please, please!]

whatever horrible, disgusting, inhuman part of me that wanted,
for the drama,
for the emotions,
for whatever horrible reasons my frazzled brain could possibly present me with...

maybe that tiny brain cell
would feel sad.

That
life is good.

Literally.

No one knows why
No one knows how

and I know least of all.

[Please, please, he didn't do anything. Please.]

Selfishly, I'd be lonely
at NEs.
Selfishly.

Selfishly, I'd be angry
for his choices
and beliefs
and policies.

and maybe a little less selfishly,

I'd be mad that it was never
me.

Selfishly,
I sit here
and feel underprivileged
because I'm not up there with them
on faith. love. healing. family. values.

Please. Please. Please.

Your thoughts on my thoughts

By Ellie Laukaitis
Williston Central School, Grade 8

Have you had a time
when you imagine every conversation,
every last word,
and then
they never get said?
When something's planned to go one way,
but then it backfires
and the getaway car turns left
instead of right.
And that's when you realize windows are two-way.
and maybe every feeling
is two-way also...
so you look at it the other way
and imagine speaking about that
Like with the archery target...
and the sharks and minnows
and the fact that
you didn't drown
on your 200 breaststroke.
Did you even watch me?
I'm sorry, but I believe I'm at the point
where you can't remember where conversations end
and thoughts and emails
begin.
Did I ever tell you about that day?
Did you know
being spontaneous
is actually planning,
then forgetting
(or forgetting to forget
and actually remembering,
and then you're not spontaneous at all but you have to still make it look like you haven't been planning this conversation for the past week or so, which of course you haven't, so maybe really
the people who are good at being spontaneous
are actually just really good actors).
Did you read
everything I said? Everything I wrote?
Can you hear all the unsaid words
I hung in the air
with fishing line
last August?
Maybe I underestimated you,
my great rambling friend
Maybe, by some freak chance,
you understand
and you can read this
even though you'll never read this
and you feel the same way
and maybe you could hear the whole time

and now you're left standing there
wondering where
all those unsaid words
go.