agony

So much sadness
and anger
is balled up in my throat
too hard for me to swallow
too hard for me to let go

"why did this happen?"
I ask myself.
"how on earth, did this become such an issue for me?"
hmn...
"Is this all really my fault?"
The quesitons roll around in my thick skull
Forcing the ball to become sufficatingly big.

with each question,
came another tear, followed by one more
With the questions left unanswered,
I remained in silence
as the ball in my throat
grew larger
than what I had planned

"is there a reason why, I let this go on ignored?"
the pain comes as I try to swallow the ball,
and tears are rushing
down my smooth, soaked, cheeks
"it's all my fault...isn't it...?.."

Can't see,
through my flooded eyes
too much is happening
too many thoughts
too many questions without answers
too much time left in my life to get answers

my lungs are burning up,
like a forest fire
I can't breathe
I can't concentrate
I can't think
I can't do anything,
right now

darkness seems to eat me up
as the ball grows larger,
in my throat
the light in the room I'm in slowly seems
to be dropping down to almost a black
which only makes me cry harder,
making the tears come faster,
the ball in my throat doesn't release itself
there is no way for me to get rid of it

there is still,
way too much going on
I seem to be floating in the blackness
of pain,
agony,
sadness,
anger,
it tries to comfort me somehow
but all I do is try to ignore it
get rid of it
but ending up
hurting me worse than the ball in my throat
it sits there as if I swallowed a piece of iron,
metal, or steal,
but otherwise something that would still hurt
and not care to be causing pain

as the darkness seems to get darker, blacker
I close my eyes,
pushing out all of the tears of my eyes,
pouring them down my red cheeks
and in my attempt to shove away all of the blackness,
I end up blacking out, myself,
and going into a
deep,