Jasmine Carpenter

I watch the flames rise in to the night sky.
Higher and higher.
The kindling everything that reminds me of you.
Watching the pictures of smiles and laughs curl and crumple.
The love poems crack and blacken.
I'm closing the story of us,
and tossing it in to the fire.
Tonight I'll burn away my memmory.

Pulling at my hair,
as I inched closer to the glass.
Watching my reflection watching me.
This is not who I am,
this is not me.
I cant see the side I want to show.
All I can see is the sad look in my eyes.
Not the fiery spirit I know that is inside of me.
Why cant that come out?
Why cant I be me?

I couldn’t breath, my head was spinning, and I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. Jack was here, where I worked.
“Amelia?” He whispered in the voice I thought of as a lullaby. The tears gathered at my tear ducks, ready to slide down my face.
I turned my body to face him. He looked the same as I remembered, the same curly brown hair that hung to his shoulders, the same faded band tee shirt and ripped jeans, the big dark brown eyes that made me feel like he knew me in side and out, like I was part of him also, and the same half smile he gave when he was torn between something. I felt my heart melt.
“Why? Why are you here?” whispered. I wanted to yell, run, cry, hold him and ask him to take me back.

I watched the glow of the taillights start to fade. I wanted to run after her, I needed to get her back, but my legs wouldn’t move. I wish the two evil lights would stop glowing. The tears slipped as I walked back to the house, picture of Amelia and I lined the walls. I looked at the smiling faces, kissing, laughing, being goofs, and just being in love.
"Where did that go?" I asked my self. The minutes passed slowly, my heart sinking faster and faster with each tick of the clock. I couldn’t take it any more, the pictures made it hurt even worse. I ripped one off the wall and chucked it against the wall across the room. When the hour was over every picture was smashed, ripped and destroyed, same with my heart.
~

I slammed the door of the car in my ex boyfriends face.
"Amelia, please, don’t do this!" he shouted trying to open the locked door. he was pleading now but he lost me, he hurt me to much for me to stay.
"Jake, I need to go." with that the car roared to life. I slammed on the gas and left him, standing in the middle of the muddy driveway watching me leave.
The tears slipped down my cheeks slowly, I could feel my heart sinking each mile I drove, and each second that passed I wished I could go back.
~
Five years passed and each day I asked my self why did I leave Jake, the guy I was in love with and still did? And each day I told my self that he was never there for me and this is what I had to do. I had to get out of the relation ship I cried in, but if that was the reason why did I cry more now, after i left him, left my hometown and "moved on" with my life?

I gave you my heart,
it was at your feet.
You said you would take it,
but then you walked away.
I dont know why.
I'll let the week pass with out saying,
how i feel the distence more each day.
I'll let the week pass with out saying,
how sad i am when your not there.
We let the months pass,
with secret nicknames that were never so secret.
We let the months past,
with long conversations about the future,
but then you walked away.
you never said goodbye,
but you pushed me away.
So here I am,
in the rain.
makeup running,
saying what you never did.

Hello to the girl looking back at me.
Why do you have rivers of black running down your red cheeks?
Hello to the girl who knows me best.
Why is your hair a mess?
On the night you should be living your life?
Hello little miss death.
Why are you cursing to the celling?
Saying you'll never fall for him again?
Even though you want to still.
Hello myself,
your hands are runnign throught your hair.
Your crying, and your make-ups running.
He left you for her, on the night of your anaversery.
You know you'll always love him, because he still has your heart.

Maybe it was the way,
the colorful lights danced on your face.
Maybe it was the song,
pounding with my heart.
Maybe it was how you looked,
in to my eyes,
as we twerled around the dance floor.
Around and around,
so just maybe,
thats when I fell inlove with you.

Why does it feel like,
your not the same man I loved with my heart?
Why does it feel like,
I'm a ghost to you?
I no longer exsist in your world.
Why do i feel like,
I dont know you any more?

it's like a slap when you say that.
but worse
it's a knife though the back.
pearcing my lungs and it gose deeper and deeper.
i cant breath all.
i want to cry out, i just cant any more
so i take it in.
you open up the old scars of my past life.
as the blood drips down my soul.
like the rain drops on my face.
i put on a fake smile and you beleve
that i'm not dieing in your eyes.
you didnt kill me by these words

I wish you where here,
just to see me smile again.
You thought you broke my heart.
You thought you left me to die.
I was stronger then you thought.
I wish you where here,
to see me dance with him.
To see that I moved on.
I got over the fact,
that you left me with a beaten heart...
And now your here.
Wishing you never let me go.
Wishing you could get me back,
but I'm gone

You have me sitting here,
waiting and waiting.
Watching the clock,
just for you.
All of the plans I had put a side,
just for you.
Every dream put on hold,
just like that.
Just for you.
Just for broken hearts,
and too many tears shed.
So this is for you,
...Goodbye...

Alone I sit,
with the cold darkness all around me.
You told me I was your only,
but now I know other wise.
From a box of pictures,
hidden under old fur coats.
Of you and her,
at our spot.
On the rivers edge.
Kissing and smiling.
Of you and her,
at the fair,
laughing and pushing.
Of you and her in this house,
that we had made our own.
...You lied to me

Can you?
Can you see me?
Standing in the rain?
Letting the tears fall?
…Yes.
Can you see me?
Waiting in the tall grass?
Watching the sun kiss the stars goodbye?
…Yes.
Can you see me?
Leaving you?
To get rid of this pain?
…No

Growing Pains
By Jasmine Carpenter
Montpelier High School, Grade 10

Child promises broken
Oaths of love gone
Secret hand shakes forgotten
Spy names stolen
Play games left to die
Toys broken
But they’ll never be mended
Now it’s all no more
Thoughts of boys come
Teen-age troubles have invaded
Make-up and gossip
Broken hearts and crushes
Fashion and new friends
But then it all changes again.
Then college comes to an end
The real hardship begins
No summer vacation
No teacher’s pets
No more jungle gym
To swing on at recess
Time for work little one
That’s how the real world is

Questions

By Jasmine Carpenter
Montpelier High School, Grade 9

Looking at him wondering…
He talks about life.
Does he know…
He laughs at our childhood memories.
I feel this way?
He leans over and hugs me.
Does he know…
He says he's happy we're best friends.
That I dream of him?
I hug back and try to not look him in the eyes.
Does he know…
I tell him I'm happy we're friends also.
I'd die for him…
"good" he whispers.
…he doesn't know