leaving

I don't know why red fades before blue- it just does. -Ani DiFranco

If you want answers, you have to ask.
"We don't owe you questions."
Yes, you do. You owe me alot.

For people that seem to love so much,
the two of you look inward the most.
See me as an over hormonal, emotional teenager,
because I am .

I am not sorry that I am.

When you talk to me
and spit rains into the air directly in front of you
I do not see a protector;
I just see an adult.

I am trying to tell myself that growing up
is not that bad; there must be
a point to all this.

You wiped all my tears last night because
you were the closest.
Can't you see,
you are the reason I have given up?

I cried because I am the sorriest excuse for a
feminist I have ever seen.
And because for all the times I thought they were getting better,
they were just pretending.
And because I have over a year of high school left.
And because the human race is selfish.

i. I wonder what will happen once you're gone.
ii. The leaves fell quietly to the ground.
i. What will happen when you're gone?
ii. They floated almost as softly as snowflakes.
i. Will it be like the last time?
ii. They seemed so innocent.
i. Have I changed to encourage a different reaction this time?
ii. They understood their symbology.
i. Will that part of me die?
ii. Fall to winter.
i. How many more times will this happen?
ii. Life to death.
i. Will there be anything left when it's over?
ii. And then they began to decompose.
i. What will happen to me?
ii. Leaving nothing but dust.

Sleep pulls at me
Like a Ford Tundra
I can't resist

I don't want to

I know that
You'll be there
Waiting

Ready
To wrap your arms
Around me once more

But in my dreams
You're not leaving
We have time

The setting varies
Like a set of postcards
They're all beautiful

We can stare
Into each other's eyes
Uninterrupted

We can laugh
As we play pranks
On each other

There's no worrying
About how much longer
We have together

And then dread
Creeps over me
Like bedbugs

I can hear
My mother's voice
Calling

Trying to wake me
From my reverie
As if it's a nightmare

Suddenly
You're leaving
Again

And I'm drowing
In my own tears
Of sorrow

As I wake up
I try not
To let her hear

The pain
In my voice

It's not her fault

Once she leaves
I'm back
Back in my dream

Thankfully

But the phone rings
And jolts me awake
My face still wet

And this time
There's no
Going back

I'll have to wait
Until twilight

I used to wish
That I was Peter Pan

I never wanted to grow up

Drama
Guys
Sticky situations
Paying rent
Holding a job

Yuck

Sure
I wanted to be old enough
To get my license and drive a car

That's about it

I hated change
And everything
That came with it

The pain
The insecurity
The long nights

Wondering
What I'd do without
The teachers that'd
Stuck by me
That held me up

Every time
Change occured
I'd cry and be
Depressed

8th grade graduation
Was the most horrifying
Experience of my life

I didn't want to go
To high school
And leave Elfman

I was leaving Mr. H
Who had become a
Great mentor and friend

I was a mess

I knew I'd have my friends
But most of them didn't
Understand what I
Was going through

I didn't want to talk
With my mom or anyone
For that matter

I curled up inside
And cried to myself

I got to high school
It wasn't too bad
I started enjoying it
A few of my teachers
Were pretty cool

You're leaving and I don't know what to say.
One by one, just falling away.
Like removing an infant's spine,
A single vertebra at a time.
Gone.
You say you're taking a break,
But define break.
Does break mean everlasting?
too long?
Enough that we start to lose
the thumbs, the torso, the legs...
Finally left with the brain?

Well, guess what, I'm stayin'.
So "brain", what's next?

Sorry daddy
Didn't mean for you to walk out that door.
Didn't mean for mommy to yell you out the window.

Should have known when you started laying out a suitcase each morning
On your bed that's now covered in dust.
Should have know when you started giving me the saddest eyes
When I said "Bye Daddy!"
Should have known when you started sitting in the car
For hours and hours looking blankly ahead.
Should have known when you started coming home later and later
each night

Now you're just standing here, all alone.
Mommy's got a new set of pills in the bathroom
And she doesn't bother to look at me anymore.
uneasy silence
Is this the time when I should start worrying?
Is this a fading dream or a creeping reality?

I've given you everything you asked
But nothing satisfys your hunger
And no amount of caring can cure you
Of your slow fall dying
That you plunged head first into
With a splash that left me soaked cold
Tell me what I'm supposed to think of this
Think of you...
Your sinking under in a pool of worthlessness
So how am I supposed to be happy for you
Now that you've thrown it all away
Right in my face
With that self-satisfied smirk
But your only hurting yourself now
Because I've had enough
Of being happy for your mistakes
I'll walk away from your suicidal drowning
And will watch with my own smile
As you wonder where I've gone
So surprising, I know
That I'm finally done being happy for you

A faraway look
in her eyes
and i know
she's
sure.

It seems like everyone's
leaving,
one way
or
another.

Why did you go?
What's your reasoning
There's no excuse
You had everything
That you could ever need
Right here, with us
So why did you leave?
Please, tell me...

You say maybe,
And walk away.

I watch you leave
And wish
With all my heart
That you would turn around

And change your mind.

I take my chances.
I don’t give up,
But when I talk to you
You don’t smile
Anymore.

You say you don’t like me.
Not like that.
Only as a friend.

I want to hate you
And tell you
That I never liked you anyway

Only then

I like you,
and you like me,
thats all I've ever wanted,
simplicity.
and just as it all works out,
it all falls apart.
life, money, and jobs,
has gotten in the way.
and it seems that me,
and you,
could never be true,
because i have to leave,
even though,
I've finally found you.
so while im off,
with a different life,
you'll be here,
forgetting about us.
As im thinking of you,

I felt a little
As if I were drowning that day
The small blossoms of the flowers
Formulating rhythmic hypothesis,
(Like bad footnotes in a chemistry text book)
Sighing their white fragarence into the air,
As if they were the doves we had bought from a downtown market last summer,
Then released into the air to the surprise of the vendor.
The small Italian man had smiled at us,