clumsy poem

the sun is rising, and from my
window i can see the way the maple
tree sways in the wind, dancing
along to the earth's howling. 

i look around me and all i am is
tired, tired of the bed that makes my
back ache in morning, tired of the
pills that don't seem to work unless
i go to sleep crying. 

i look around me, and i wish i could feel
love, love for this place that gave me flowers
and frizzy hair, but there is something
else i am feeling, something that makes
my throat hurt and my heart race.

a younger, truer version of myself
would drag me by my hand along the pathway
carved into the woods that i grew up in.

she would be afraid of the change
that seems to happen slowly within me
everyday, but she would love me 
without reason. 

loving without reason, something
i still cannot let go. so why is it
i cannot feel love for this place, 
the place that gave me so much? 

still, i look around me and scream,
scream until there is nothing i can say
anymore, scream until i can shut up and
say i don't want to leave anymore.