ellenb

I go outside –
I fear the strangers
staring 
watching
judging
waiting.

I stay inside –
I fear my father
staring
watching
judging
waiting.

It seems like it will never end.

I am the annoying weed that sticks out through the pavement,
that messes up perfectly paved sidewalks,
and makes you trip when you are not looking down.
I am pretty-
daffodils and dandelions and appealing and funny.
I am ugly-

Did you make me not believe? 
By design?
By anguish?
You, the divine creator,
how could you make me this way?
Question
after
Question.
And yet you never answer because
I know
you do not exist,

it's a photocopy of a dream,
stolen from my mind.
but this one's in black and white,
deceptive, and hard to find.

lately, you've been colorblind.
changing right in front of my eyes.
the worst kind of butterfly.

Breath smells like red wine and cigarettes
Sliding doors, midnight strolls, place your bets
Disappear like smoke in rain change your mind
Coffees out, walls down, and words confined

Cards down, when were you ever around

I want to hold you,
but I can't.
I want to kiss you,
but I can't.
I want to love you,
but I can't.
so I will cherish every moment
I have with you,
until it's gone.