happiness in a way

happiness is the ache in
my muscles at 5:32 in the afternoon,
the gentle reminder that i am real
and i haven't faded
(yet).

the gold specks in someone's eyes
that come out in the sun, the warmth
of a hot shower that i can finally cry in,
the release of emotions.

the soft strumming of guitar strings,
the sound of singing, and anything that makes
me smile at this point really.

hot tea, and food, with its twisted
form of satisfaction for my greedy body,
the food that keeps us from fading.

happiness isn't happy, really, but at least
it's not sad.

happiness is relief, happiness is not
feeling like your falling from the sky every
time that you get out of bed, not wanting
the world to fall apart around you.

happiness is someone's thumb
brushing tears off your face, happiness
is the bandaid on a nasty cut, the
one that's been bothering you for,
oh, so long.

there is a line between feeling happy,
and being happy, and i have been caught
in a bloody war between the two, crawling
towards the finish line until i finally give up.

we cannot control happiness, and
though they take more and more, nothing
can be given back without a price, 
because the fight for happiness has never been a fair one.

no one can grab my hand when i reach out,
but they can pat it and tell me that it'll be okay,
it'll be okay because someday my will to stop
being a leech on society will return.

someday i will change,
and happiness will be a promise,
happiness will be guaranteed.

but the war goes on,
and happiness continues to
love me and leave me,
a romeo to my damaged juliet.